Dear Lord, deliver us (CONTAINS SPOILERS)

Rating: Null/10 (14 March 2004)

I needed a Dramamine to get through the first 10 minutes. Words cannot effectively express how much I despised this film. If you looked up "over rated" in the dictionary, there would most definitely be a foot note to direct you to "Moulin Rouge."
**SPOILER ALERT** (not that the inception of this piece of garbage wasn't spoiling enough)
A musical? Depends on your definition, I guess. Oh, sure...there's music. All your favorite songs from the '80s and '90s mixed in with weird colors, different lyrics, sloppy editing and goofy camera angles--complete with Nicole Kidman (completely out of her league, I might add).

All the songs you've heard before, they just changed some of the lyrics around to make them fit whatever visual image they were striving for. Weird Al Yankovic has been doing this for ages, and I haven't heard him called a genius. No song or artist is safe: Nirvana, Madonna, Patti LaBelle, Sting--I must say, their use of "Roxanne" brought about a very audible and none to appreciative groan from the audience when I saw it.
In fact, that's all this was really--one big long music video. There's a love story that ends tragically, but, that's neither original nor a surprise (Nicole Kidman's character starts out bleeding shortly after we meet her, and doesn't stop 'til she's kicked the bucket). I guess I was meant to care, but, since it was an good indicator that this crap was winding down, I found myself feeling more delighted than anything else.
Kidman's voice has been computer enhanced out the wah-zoo, and it still sounds weak and airy. Ewan MacGregor doesn't have a bad voice, but, it's surrounded in mediocrity. John Leguizamo is there for comic relief as a dwarf, but it's as comically relieving as a nosy neighbor from some '70s sitcom that only lasted 1/2 a season. This movie had everything but a tap dancing zebra--and, I'm sure there's one of those hidden in a group shot somewhere.
Teenie boppers will love it because "EWAN'S SO CUTE!" They'll also be amazed over the fact that "NICOLE SANG AND DANCED THROUGH THE WHOLE THINGS--THEN DIED AT THE END. THAT'S REALLY HARD, YOU KNOW?" Seeing this movie and appreciating musicals is like reading reading the Cliff Notes to "To Kill a Mocking Bird" and loving the book.