Don't listen to any of our stupid reviews, just watch it yourself.

Rating: Null/10 (14 February 2018)

It's baffling to me that so many people seem to have completely missed the point of this movie. Stop. Before you start slapping me with your go-to label of "pretentious", this is NOT a complicated movie. This isn't some David Lynch movie where every frame needs to be dissected for hidden psychological meaning. It couldn't be more simple. It's a retelling of the most commonly known Bible stories. The ones that are so common that they're comparable to knowing who Santa Claus is. You don't need to be a genius or a theology major or even to have read the Bible in full to have heard the most basic elements of the Christian creation myth such as Adam and Eve.
If you feel that such an simple concept is trying to condescend to you or insult your intelligence somehow, that says a lot more about your level of intelligence and insecurity than it does about this movie. You know what intelligent people do when faced with something they don't understand? They ask questions. They seek answers. They even do something as simple as a Google search.
What they don't do is lash out and mindlessly rage against something because they felt it threatened their intelligence. Let me tell you, the only thing threatening your intelligence in that situation is your behavior. If you spent half as much time just swallowing your foolish pride and looking up theories on a movie like this as you did writing a sad excuse for a review that does nothing but parade around your own willful ignorance, maybe you could have enjoyed this movie for what it was instead of making yourself miserable out of pointless stubbornness.
I guess it could be worse though. You could be on the other end of the spectrum, throwing "pretentious" at this for the opposite reason, because you think you're so far above this kind of thing, and somehow completely blind to the irony of you calling something pretentious while you preen about you're so much more clever than it. Hey, maybe throw "self-indulgent" in there a few more times while you're at it, without ever stopping to think how ridiculous it is to use that as a derogatory term in reference to art. Only thing worse than a fool is a fool that's convinced themselves that they're clever...
Anyway, watch this movie and decide for yourself. Don't let any of these misguided sourpusses with personal hang-ups lead you astray (myself included, make up your own mind). I almost listened to them and skipped this movie myself, and I would have missed out on one of the best movies of 2017.