Worse than The Human Centipede

Rating: 2/10 (11 March 2018)

When I watched The Human Centipede I thought that I had hit cinematic rock bottom. Who would make a movie about a mad scientist who sews faces onto bungholes and then feeds the faces through the bungholes? Why did those three poor souls have to be sewn together into a centipede? Why did they have to suffer such a fate? Why was no one able to save them? Who would even make a movie like that? I wished that the end of the movie would be a cheap it-was-all-a-dream plot scheme where the mad scientist wakes up after having a nightmare about his aspiration to turn humans into a centipede after his failure turning three dogs into a dogipede. Alas, that wasn't the case, so I was disappointed.
I was disappointed with The Human Centipede because it was a disgusting movie with a ridiculous plot. But, a plot it had. I can't say the same for Mother. Mother is the epitome of sitting through two hours of Jennifer Lawrence grunting and panting and running around barefoot and then, when it is all over (thank God), you are left wondering what just happened. Among the things that make more sense than this movie are North Korea's foreign policy, flat earth theory, and the fact that Donald Trump's hairdresser still has a job.
To briefly summarize this....er, movie...I'll say that it opens with Jennifer Lawrence looking like she is in the Saint Barnabas burn unit. You then spend the next hour and a half watching Jennifer Lawrence watch Javier Bardem entertain strangers who watch Jennifer Lawrence watch Javier Bardem in their house while the strangers prostrate themselves before Javier Bardem. Michelle Pfeiffer and Ed Harris randomly show up as...well, nobody knows who they are because it's never explained, just like pretty much everything else in this movie. Michelle tells Jennifer Lawrence that she needs to spice up her underpants wardrobe, Ed and Michelle boink in a guest bedroom, and then they leave. The movie climaxes with poor Jennifer Lawrence trying to kick pacifier-sucking electronica fans out of her house while being chased around by said electronica fans. The denouement, if you can even call it that, is ridiculous and is never explained. I know it doesn't make sense now, but don't worry, nothing will make sense if you decide to sacrifice two hours of your time to watching this debacle.
Instead of watching this movie, I highly recommend that you spend two hours trying to set a pile of bricks on fire with a cigarette lighter. It will be more entertaining and you will feel more fulfilled afterward. The two stars I awarded this fart of a film are for the sound editing.