One of the worst movies I've seen in a long time

Rating: 1/10 (28 June 2012)

I went into this movie with high expectations; I assumed it would be charming, humorous, engaging. All those talented actors in it: Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Ed Norton, Bruce Willis, Tilda Swinton, Harvey Keitel...surely this must be a quirky, enjoyable movie. But oh my God, it was terrible (the person I saw the movie with thought so too).
The dialogue was witless and dull and hard to understand because all the characters speak in low monotones. They all seem quite depressed and dulled. There was not one single likable, interesting character in the film, with the possible exception of Ed Norton's besieged scoutmaster. Even the children are unlikeable, especially the two 12 year olds "in love." Suzie and Sam are not what you'd call a sympathetic pair of protagonists; they're both, as the film makes clear, very mentally disturbed children and are so remorseless, expressionless and lacking in affect as to appear nearly sociopathic. It doesn't seem like their relationship is based on anything resembling "love"; love brings happiness and contentment and even when they're together they seem listless and depressed and rarely even smile. Maybe they're drawn to each other simply because they are both such strange, damaged children. The scene where they tentatively engage in sex play is supposed to be amusing I suppose. But I found it cringe-worthy; these two are still CHILDREN and to watch them french kiss and hear that the boy got "hard" is grotesque, not funny.
The other children in the film don't come across much better; they all have the curiously flat, toneless voices that seem more suited to a jaded adult than a child (the children in this movie ALL seem more like adults than children) and none of them exhibits much in the way of personality, except for the "bad" (he might as well have "THE BAD KID stamped on his forehead) scout that gets seriously injured (he's stabbed near the kidney) by Suzie. The heroine of the film stabs another child with a pair of scissors...what a sweet girl! And then there are the things that make no sense at all. Why does Suzy immediately want an odd, unprepossessing boy that she doesn't know at at all to write to her? How did the bicycle get up in the tree? Why do the scouts, who previously had no liking for Sam at all, abruptly feel compassion for him (just because he's an orphan? these scouts don't strike me as a particularly sensitive and filled with empathy bunch) and band together to help him run away with Suzie again? How can Sam get struck by lightning and pop up with no ill effects at all? How is it possible that Sam, Suzie and Captain Sharp all survive intact after the church steeple they are on is completely demolished? Why is it so easy for Sam and Suzie to continue to see each other; all Sam does is sneak in and out of a window with the help of his now foster father (why does Sharp suddenly want to be a foster parent to a disturbed child?) Captain Sharp? Wouldn't Suzie's parents be very vigilant about her not having any more contact with Sam? It all makes no sense.
I thought about walking out on this movie, which is something I rarely do. I wish I had; this movie made me literally SICK! I left the theater with a pounding headache and a queasy stomach. Really, it was THAT bad.
Some people adore this film. All I have to say is that people who like this movie must like bad movies. Because this one really stinks.