Chicken Discrimination

Rating: 5/10 (14 March 2017)

Here's my two-cents and a collection of nitpicks. First and foremost, I didn't go into this movie knowing it was a musical. When the first musical song chords hit, I knew I was going to be in for a long droll of a film. Every song in this film is forgettable. There weren't enough memorable or catchy phrases in the choruses of the songs to hold onto, and the melodies were lackluster at best with basic chord progressions to invoke a feeling of false excitement in the average viewer.
I will say, though, that I enjoyed the mythology and lore behind the movie, and since "Moana" isn't set in the real world, I could find myself getting invested into the adventures Maui had. That was one reason I didn't dock the movie's rating as much as I would've. Another reason was because I liked the design of the Kakamoras' ship(s). The little contraptions that split the ship into multiple parts and the consideration of tying the drummers onto ropes as they bounced up and down were pretty thoughtful. One other reason I didn't dock the rating was because Moana's stupid non-aging pet pig didn't come on the voyage. Thank. Freaking. Goodness. Pigs grow up rather quickly. Even if it was a pygmy pig, it shouldn't have been a dwarf the entire time.
Speaking of animal sidekicks, the main reason I didn't like this movie was because of the portrayal of Heihei, the literally retarded chicken. I've worked with chickens and kids with moderate to severe mental and physical disabilities (yes, I've worked with handicapped chickens), and the way Heihei is portrayed is insulting to all of the mentally disabled. It's not funny when Heihei doesn't do something you'd expect a chicken to do. It's not funny when they give it eyeballs the size of golfballs. It's not funny when they don't depict any aging of Heihei, even as Moana grows up, similarly to the pig, because the chicken's feathers never appear to molt or bleach in the sun. Or maybe it's not funny because I have a stubborn sense of humor and take offense to movies that depict my favorite farm animal in a poor light. "Ha ha! It's funny because the chicken looks ugly and is dumb!" He didn't have any redeemable qualities; he was just there to hold the kids' attention because the rest of the movie was so boring.
From the very beginning of the movie, the characters were out of touch with reality. Kids don't cry because they sense impending doom based on possible mythology. They care about getting their snack fix and making boom-booms in their pants than the inevitable demise that is their deaths. Infant Moana not being scared of death isn't a sign of courage; it's a sign of naive curiosity.
A lot of the reactions in this movie bring up several questions, too. Why would the village suddenly consider they were voyagers in the past just because Moana said so? Why wouldn't they do something to ensure that their lives would be preserved instead of simply take the word of their chief--unless they were ruled under supreme dictatorship? How come it was okay to listen to the slightly cooky granny just because she was eccentric? You don't do that with the schizophrenic, do you? Do you stop on the street and listen to what a babbling homeless man on drugs has to say and take it seriously? No.
The ocean's character isn't clear in this movie. This isn't water-bending like in the "Avatar" show, and it's not telepathic waves from Te Fiti. It's its own thing. So, yeah, why did it choose Moana? Not only that, its motivations are inconsistent since sometimes it helps Moana, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe it's an allusion to how the ocean can be both benevolent and relentless, but as a kids' movie with weak concrete evidence, I'm going to say it's because the writers were lazy.
Maui's tattoos also freaked me out because while their origins are cool, the way Maui's sprite animates and reflects his conscious (?) makes me wonder if the sprite is a shoulder angel type of character or his inner thoughts worming through his skin. It wasn't really funny, and it would have been better if we could have seen some character development between Moana and Maui instead of having the tattoos doing the projection.
I will say: one of my few appreciations for the film is how there wasn't any hint of romance or platonic intimacy between Moana and Maui. It isn't like "Frozen" where you have a feeling something's happening between Kristoff and Anna, and it isn't like "Pacific Rim" where Raleigh and Mako were forced to work together and maybe chemistry would ignite between them. Moana and Maui were their own people. They weren't terribly interesting people with good chemistry, but they worked off each other in ways that didn't have me any more annoyed than I was bored with the setup.
Overall, this is an average movie that I went into with high expectations from the initial concept design, but the songs, the offensive nature of pandering to kids, and the dull transition of plot made this a very forgettable experience. I can't even quote a full sentence from this film. That's how bad it was.
Oh, and closing thoughts: that was a desperate move for jokes trying to pull "The Little Mermaid" into the post-credits.