Cruisin' A Disaster !! Save Your Movie Bucks !!

Rating: 1/10 (7 June 2000)

IF anyone offers to go with you to see this movie. Don't go!
IF someone offers to pay your way to go see this movie! Don't do it!
IF someone offers you cash money, up front, just to go see this movie! Please! PLEASE !! Stay home with Regis Philbin, or re-watch the summer re-runs!!
I would not inflict this movie on my worst enemy! Why would you do this to us, Tom Cruise!
I liked "The Firm!" I liked "A Few Good Men". I've even met people who say they liked "Interview With A Vampire!" [Though they asked me not to use their real names! ]
************************* I confess it!!! I looked forward to this movie.
I have watched the original Mission Impossible (1996) nearly 50 times, and I could not wait for this sequel.
I figured: Oh, let's see more special effects, neat gadgets, great music, great sound effects, beautiful people doing very bad things in exotic locations! Round it off with an intelligent plot with a nice moral at the end. Voila!
I hoped for the best!
But, I confess that I also hedged my bet! I waited till this movie made $80 Million dollars, before I gave them another $8.00 for my ticket!
Well, let me tell you, at $8 bucks a ticket, I figure that means that me and about 8 million others out there were robbed!
You hear me Tom Cruise! I was robbed! I demand a refund!
"Tom Cruise, I want a refund.! E-mail me directly and let me know where I can pick it up. "
Folks, this is absolutely the worst movie, one could have possibly imagined Cruise coming up with.
[ "Tom, the universe is very unhappy with you, boy! ]
+++++++++++++++++
"Mission Impossible 2", as a movie is Tom Cruise's narcissism exposed at its worst! We see Tom Cruise, long-haired, making meaningless tortuous (shirtless) climbs up the side of "nowhere in the desert" mountains, to pick up what ? --- Why, its the video of his next highly secret mission, of course! Which is conveniently dropped to him in a canister from a mysterious black helicopter passing overhead. Why? Because Tom Cruise forgot to take his cell phone ! (I am NOT making this up folks! I actually paid money to see this!).
Real tense, huh?
This movie is also a "Matrix" wannabe rip-off. Realizing this alone, can make it embarrassing for us to sit there and watch all the stolen material. Stolen are the flying kicks, the slow-motion feet-over-head shooting sequences, even the costume Tom Cruise wears looks like it was lifted right from the Matrix wardrobe property room!
The only apparently original footage in this movie, the "impossibly" silly motorcycle chase. Which as it turns out, actually was stolen from another empty Australian waste-land flick from about 20 years ago! -- Mel Gibson's, "Mad Max: Road Warrior."
Yet, even that brief chase in the Aussie Outback was only good for 15 minutes of "wake-you-up!" -- and even IT, occurred WAY TOO LATE in a hopelessly boring film.
This movie will have you sitting on the edge of your seats --- and ready at any moment to lunge for the emergency Exit.
Why?
Okay! So what, if there's NO plot, NO drama, NO comedy!. Nothing much of anything, really, for us to care about.
But, that's okay! Right?
Of course it is! Why? Because you just shelled out $8.00 to see: The "Tom Cruise-A-Thon".
In this movie we get to watch endlessly, as Tom Cruise plays himself -- 'Tom Cruise' -- as he stares down beautiful women, hoping they will go to bed with him, Tom Cruise! And why shouldn't they? Why?? Because it's Tom Cruise ! That's why!!
And what's the secret? How DOES Tom Cruise stare at beautiful women and make them magically WANT to go to bed with him?' (Sh-h-h-h ! It's a secret.... But here it is!!! As demonstrated in this movie! Tom Cruise simply makes sexy "Tom Cruise" style stares, through the dancing legs of very fast flamenco dancers -- and he does it without blinking!
That's it ! We know this method works, and, apparently it works every time! Because is a scene or two later we next get to see Tom Cruise in bed with another young woman who simply could not resist the stare of Tom Cruise!
But wait, there's more!
In this movie we get to see Tom Cruise in several different roles.
First, we have Tom Cruise playing who else? Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise rides around in a new black sportscar, speeding along on lonely mountain roads. Why? Because Tom Cruise has finally FOUND his cell phone, and now Tom Cruise wants to make prank phone calls to the girl in the next car! They spin out of control, of course. But, the near-death experience of it all is just too much for them. So, this leads naturally to ... uh, well to the bedroom, of course! After all, he IS Tom Cruise! And this IS "The Tom Cruise Show" isn't it?
Next, we see Tom Cruise, mournfully gooning into the camera, just as Tom Cruise learns part of Tom Cruise's REALLY impossible mission is. Tom Cruise is to tell the girl -- the same girl Tom Cruise just finished having casual anonymous sex with the night before --[ that if SHE should decide to accept it ], that Tom Cruise needs her to go to bed with one of her former boyfriends!
(Deep Huh?) She does it of course! Why Because she has seen Tom Cruise's stare, and has even been in bed with, well, Tom Cruise! Need we say more?
Heavy, Huh?
But, wait!! It all works out okay! Why?
Because it just so happens that THIS ex-boyfriend of hers just ALSO happens to like to dress up like Tom Cruise, to wear Tom Cruise masks, and even likes to go out-of-doors, fooling people into believing that he's the REAL Tom Cruise ! [ Hey! Just like the REAL Tom Cruise ! ]
Meanwhile, back at the ranch ....
We learn that the 'REAL?" Tom Cruise" (oxymoron?) is pacing back and forth in the midst of Australian Outback, waiting for the director, or writers, or the mysterious black helicopter to please come back and to tell him (and the audience!!) what the rest of the movie is about, because we doesn't have a CLUE!!!!!! And what's more, Tom Cruise has just told the audience that they may have to stay in the theater until Tom Cruise finds out what's really going on!!!! (He REALLY says that folks!!!!!!)
Then some people in the audience started wondering out loud, "But, why doesn't somebody just knock off Tom Cruise??? That way, they don't have to finish writing the script for this move! We don't have to stay in the theater anymore, and the remainder of its hostages can all go home! "
This mindless drool goes on and on, with the rest of the ENTIRE movie.
The camera drags us (some of us are kicking and screaming by now!) from dumb scene to dumb scene, always into situations invented just so the bad guys can provide Tom Cruise (the producer!) opportunities to cameo Tom Cruise (the star!) !!!!!
But, who cares? That's okay! Afterall, it's "The Tom Cruise Show" isn't it?
We see Tom Cruise playing the Good Guy! We see Tom Cruise, pretending to be a bad guy, pretending to be the good guy. We even get see Tom Cruise pretending to be a bad guy, who is really Tom Cruise the good guy, pretending to be Tom Cruise, the bad guy! Follow that? Who cares?
We even have to see Tom Cruise trying his best to look, act, fight, shoot, like ...... Keanu Reeves!! (Fooled ya, huh! ) Well, the audience wasn't.
The high-tech stunts were obviously added AFTER someone had already seen the "Matrix" 30-times. The "Cruise" even embarrassingly wears the same long leather coat, with the same dark shades, strolls around in the same big bad building, to have the same shoot-em-up scene, with the same bunch of all-bad rent-a-cops, using the very same 50 guns Keanu Reeves left in the long-coat.!!!!!!)
And STILL there is NO plot anywhere on the screen ! B-E-L-I-E-V-E me!
But by now, its an hour and a half into the movie, so no one in the audience cares anymore!
But the makers of this movie ruined all the suspense -- and told us what the plot was, anyway!
FINALLY, after an hour and a half into this mindless movie, FINALLY we are told what the heck. this stupid movie is all about, and what is supposedly going on! Are you ready? :
Plot: The bad guys killed a good chemist in order to get his cure for a very bad disease, which they want to spread around Sydney Australia -- just to see what it will do to their company's stock options! ( I kid you NOT! They actually said that to us with a straight face!)
Tom! Tom! Baby! Booba-la!
You've had FOUR YEARS to come up with something better. To come up with ANYTHING! But this, Tom?
It looks like you tried to write the script by cramming for it the night before the movie's national release!!!
Other than that you let your hair grow longer -- to look more like Keanu Reeves in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure!" (which I might add had a much better storyline!) What happened here, Tommy boy?
NO suspense! NO "Mission Impossible" trademark teamwork! NO camaraderie ! NO snappy dialog! Nothing! Nothing but 'Been-there! Seen-that!" clips from last summer's movies!
The only thing "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" about this movie was expecting the audience to sit all the way through it!
I am embarrassed to admit that I was one of the few who made it all the way thru! Too stunned to get to my feet and make my way to the exit!
So trust me, you folks who left after the first half-hour. You didn't miss a thing!!!
By the end of this movie most of the audience's smart money was wagered on the bad guy! Most of us figured he was our best hope that someone --- PLEASE! anyone ! -- would kill off the Tom Cruise character, and put the remaining audience out of its misery!
In the last scene (which incredibly is a fist fight that drags on, without relief, for 15-minutes!), Tom Cruise and the bad guy, do every tired and leftover flying kick stunt --- deleted in the final cut of "The Matrix," but included in EVERY Jackie Chan movie ever made!
At some point someone in the theater should have stood up and rallied us all to march across the multiplex theater to where they were showing "Shang-Hai Noon!" At least that movie honestly wanted to be a comedy!!!!!
If you are reading this, and STILL feel you simply MUST see this time-waster of a movie -- ( just because you've wondered what all the hoopla is about). Trust me! I have seen this movie! By the time the movie is over, you will have left the theater, and you will know no more about why this film needed to be made, than you did before you went in. In fact, you too will feel so cheated you may even demand your money back! Or, exiting the theater you will probably hide your face, sneak out the back door, and run for your car -- to avoid the embarrassment of being spotted coming out of this awful film!!
[ And Tom, I 'm serious, man, Okay? I ain't foolin' with ya, neither! I STILL want my refund! It's $8.00 bucks! You better know I mean it! ]
But, for anyone else who just cannot possibly get out of a promise to go see this dismal failure of movie, perhaps there's a suggestion for you in this very cryptic message:
"Good evening Mr. and Ms. Theater-Goer. Mission Impossible 2 is a Bust!, a Bomb! A complete disaster! We apologize but have to start the movie now. Again, we do apologize! You have only 15 seconds left to put on your very darkest sunglasses! This is an especially terrible film, so just try to sit back, and make yourself as comfortable as you possibly can. Try to relax -- But, Please try not to snore. In doing so you may inadvertently awaken some of the other theater-patrons, who may be more successful at trying to sleep all the way thru this truly terrible, terrible film.
While the awful movie runs about 2 and a half hours too long, please remember also that every bit of this film is very, very boring. So, as an added precaution, and for your own well-being the theater management strongly urges all patrons, that while this movie is playing, for your added safety, until the house lights come up: Please! Keep your 'Eyes Wide Shut!'
Thank you! And enjoy your nap! This message will self-destruct in five seconds. Good Luck!"
("And yes! Regis, That's my FINAL answer!" )