Idiotic.

Rating: 7/10 (5 September 2009)

It's hard to know which pejorative to open with to summarise this movie. Suffice to say that during the moments we were supposed to take seriously or be stunned by the choreographed action the people left and right of me were giggling, shaking their heads, or shielding their eyes with their hands. Sometimes all three things at once. And it's hard not to feel sorry for them: it's so embarrassing to have sit there and watch actors make fools of themselves. This movie is an excellent example of how it all goes wrong when you hire a director who doesn't premise his action scenes on real life, but on real life as portrayed in action movies. You basically get a double-dose of sickening unreality. Top five objectionable points: 1. During a hand-to-hand combat sequence, it apparently helps to leap into the air and rotate your body several times before planting a boot on your opponent's jaw. Ten times out of ten your opponent will not have ducked out of the way and despite having spun around several times for no reason, you will be able to land a perfectly accurate kick. Punching him may be quicker, but then the polaroids wouldn't look as exciting. 2. It's lazy. The movie makers have suited themselves at every turn and tossed any sense of reality out the window. Action movies were never meant to be true to life, but they knew where to stop before alienating their audience. This movie has no respect for its audience. 3. The film oozes the arrogant attitude of: 'Who cares about character development? The terrific action scenes will keep them happy'. Ahem. It's impossible to give a fig about the hero getting killed if you don't give a fig about the hero. So all suspense sequences instantly fail. 4. Leading on from that, the action sequences were *not* terrific. They were bombastic, self-satisfied and self-impressed. They looked ridiculous. You can tell the pivotal moment - you always see it replayed three times from different angles in slow motion. 5. The lovey-dovey scenes had about as much chemistry as an Arts exam. Thandie Newton has an annoying 'bloody' English accent and tries to look like one of the Corrs. Tom Cruise's slo-mo action moments could have been for a shampoo advert. Plus a plot that makes no sense, a villain who could equally have played a tax inspector, and not one - imagine - not one attempt at a one-liner. Take it from me: any movie that makes me want to get this off my chest to the tune of seven paragrpahs is not worth checking out.