I put the GRRRR in SWINGER baby!

Rating: 1/10 (12 June 2000)

Where to begin? There aren't enough cliches for filmmakers to rip off it seems. Tom Cruise plays the dashing spy with a knack for bagging the ladies (a la Austin Powers, hence my summary), of course, and the fate of the free world rests on his *very* self confident abilities to put a stop to some capitalist pharmaceutical pigs who have taken their profession to the next step: create your own market by introducing a pandemic and make *millions* (picture Dr evil holding his pinky up.) The arch nemesis, Douggie Scott, who IMHO looks waaay too much like Tom Cruise to begin with (in the all too predictable and stereotypical final showdown slap fight at the end, it was difficult to tell who was who), and I'm not kidding when I say this, actually gets it into his head that 'why make millions when we can make...billions?' After Austin Powers, how can anybody put out a film like this? The doe-eyed damsel who sleeps with Tom Cruise roughly 5-10 minutes after meeting him (movie time) disappears inexplicably from the plot towards the end when she is 'dumped in the middle of a crowded city' about which Douggie says 'the more crowded the better' all the while, dollar signs lighting up in his eyes, either from the paycheck he'll get from this flaming bag of dog crap movie, or from his new set of stock options at Evil Co, Inc. which are going to shoot through the roof when the big bad virus (a virus which they grow in a Petri Dish, mind you) starts ravaging the Universe. Somewhere along the line Anthony Hopkins shows up and helps Jodie Foster find the alien message at the Seti listening station or something. This movie shouts 'I wanna be the Matrix!' and 'I wanna be the Phantom Menace!' as the endless slowmotion action takes bore you to death with very loud and very overly dramatic choir-type music blaring madly at the most inappropriate times. The numerous ludicrous action sequences with Tom Cruise's sweaty and 'finely toned' physique will make you want to do nothing short of vomit as he bares his sunken chest at you. In short, wait until it becomes a tv movie, don't pay money. You'll only encourage them. Treat hollywood like an unruly child: when it holds its breath, just ignore it and it'll pass out. What lesson have we learned today? There is something more pathetic than an aging hipster: an aging heartthrob.