I Have No Words, But I'll Try

Rating: 2/10 (14 March 2012)

I really don't know where to start with my criticisms of this godawful movie.
Let me start by saying that I want to suspend my disbelief when I watch something, try as I might I failed with this one.
I think the main problem might be that I'm not 13 any more.
It seemed to me like a big budget live action version of Gerry Anderson's "Stingray", minus the submarine but with all the crude racial stereotypes. Whilst I loved Stingray as a child, that was the mid 60s.
If I have to deal with the facts here goes. The movie seems to exist in a pre-911 bubble (perhaps pre-90s bubble) where apparently an agent can have millions of dollars invested in order to break him out of prison and then have a choice about whether he wants to accept a mission.
There's an unfortunate death due to someone looking at their iPhone. At that point I was obviously supposed to sympathize with the murdered not the murderer but alas no.
The prison guards appear to be dressed in the uniforms of Russian submariners, I thought that clue might lead somewhere but apparently no, someone just felt that it makes them look more Russian.
I have to stop there because this post would end up being too long. There are just too many holes, too many racial stereotypes, the sleazy Indian was a particularly unpleasant highlight... but wait... there's also the cold and calculating Swede (who appears to have a German name).
The cast have zero on-screen chemistry, the set action pieces are nothing new, the plot is ridiculous, the script is retarded, the score is predictable, the editing is lazy and even the product placement fails.
Simon Pegg is good though, essentially adding the same lightness to the movie that he did in Star Trek.
Tom Cruise, even though he was at the center of most of the action seemed almost invisible. Like a poorly rendered CGI recreation of himself.
I think even if I was 13 I'd feel cheated by this very expensive stinker.
It's "Team America" without the satire.
I'm not a hater, I wanted to like it, I failed. I really could go on but I feel there's no point. This movie made me feel diminished as a human being.
The studio and Director really think we're THAT dumb. The box office takings and IMDb rating prove that we are.