The Eyes have it!

Rating: 4/10 (10 September 2009)

"Minority Report" is a glossy, glimmery, gossamer, ultimately empty little flick: use it as a pretty screen saver on your 65" Plasma HDTV while you're waiting to watch a better film. It's the cinematic equivalent of Japanese food: looks nice, smells nice, goes down easy, and 15 minutes later you'll be hungry again. There is, however, a slight catch. Like uber-Filmmeister Steven Spielberg's other mega-flop "A.I.", "Minority Report" has already been done better, faster, smarter, and wiser: see "Blade Runner" for the soul-crushing dilemma of whether it's moral to use a machine to do things no human would do, or even "Kafka" for an incisive study into the guts of a society that would judge a victim guilty before a crime even occurs. So why give this pretty, shiny, happy, but empty movie even two stars? Because it has a singularly impressive, very nasty sick joke, played (best of all) on Tom Cruise. At one point in the flick, Detective John Anderton (Tom Cruise playing Tom Cruise) goes to a black-market eyeball surgeon for a little much-needed wetware transplant. I love Peter Stormare: I usually relish his insanity, and in "Minority Report" he's in top form. That alone earns the flick gets one star. One extra star goes for the rotten ham sandwich in the refrigerator. Dr. Eddie leaves some milk and a fresh sandwich for his patient when he ultimately comes to his senses, then scoots: Cruise wakes up hours later, mostly blind, and staggers to the fridge for a little late night snack. Unfortunately for Cruise, Dr. Eddie isn't a very tidy housekeeper. See, there's a bottle of curdled milk and a rotten ham sandwich (evidently intended for an earlier patient), in close proximity to the fresh stuff. Moral: before eating the unidentified and sight-unseen ham sandwich in the underground surgeon's refrigerator, always do a smell-test. Where were we? Ah yes: the soul-crushing ethical dilemma is the new Department of Pre-Crime with its Amazing Young Men (and Woman) in their Psycho-tropic Fluid Machine, who can aid law enforcement in tracking down crime before it actually occurs! Call John Ashcroft! But wait a minute-you're not here to spend two hours wrestling with a soul-crushing moral and ethical dilemma concerning civil rights and free will, are you? Naw, man-you're here to see Tom Cruise and high-tech shiny things! And in that department "Minority Report" fulfills in spades. It's what would happen if "Crate & Barrel" had a movie for a twin sister. Tom Cruise does is spot-on in his one-note role as the obsessive Pre-Crime honcho Jon Anderton, and fingers those psych-profiles like a pro. Samantha Morton (Agatha) is spot-on in her one-note role as the pool-bound female psy-op, and proves girls just wanna have fun. Colin Farrel (Detective Witwer) is spot-on in his one-note role as the obsessive detective. Max Von Sydow (Director Burgess) is spot-on in his one-note role as the cackling founder of Pre-Crime with a deep dark secret (and a ridiculous plot twist). Neal McDonough (Officer Fletcher), as usual, gets no respect in his role as a tough-as-nails soldier, but does get a wild ride up to the top of the city with Tom Cruise, which is more than most can say. The futuristic Lexus Mark-12 is spot-on in its one-note role as the futuristic Lexus Mark-12. Again, it looks really pretty on a high-end plasma TV, and it's got Pete Stormare and a rotten ham-sandwich. You could do worse with your two hours. JSG