Big disappointment

Rating: 3/10 (3 September 2015)

I remember how excited I was when I first heard that they are going to make a Minions movie. Since the moment friends of mine dragged me into Despicable me 2, I was in love with those movies. It makes me actually sad to talk negatively about this movie but I feel that those yellow tic-tacs not only stole the crown but also my money and all the fun that I was expecting to have.
I wonder what I really thought I was going to see in a movie about walking Twinkies, laughing about words like butt, which have limited ways to express themselves verbally and were never meant as main characters. In Despicable me it works because we see their relationship with Gru. It was something fresh and new, seeing a bad guy/villain treating his henchmen with such care and respect. Their work for Gru felt genuine. The minions movie doesn't really contain any heart that made the previous movies so beloved and popular.
Kevin, Bob and Stuart are not real characters in the way you expect them to be. They are certain stereotypes and thats where it ends. Kevin is the leader, Stuart a rebel and Bob is cute. The movie never slows down and really goes into detail about their relationship with each other (with the exception of Kevins care towards Bob but I really wished there were more scenes like that). There is no character arc, nothing to be learned for them. They go from A to B and in between we have inappropriate adult jokes in a supposed "kids movie".
Thats another point that bugged me. I really don't mind movies that are mindless and stupid because sometimes you really need that. I grew up with Tom and Jerry, Looney Tunes, Animaniacs and I agree, children sometimes just need slapstick and humor, instead of lectures all the time. Yet, do we really think it is funny to throw in minions in a thong, indicating a threesome in a whirlpool? Or that these cute, innocent, actually nice creatures want to do evil instead of good? Or do children really need to see grown up man, half naked, slapping each others asses? People who defend this don't seem to realize how big of an influence the minions became for small children. I see children running around with minion clothing and toys all the time. As a parent I would be ashamed to let my children watch something like that.
Interesting enough, for a kids movie, no child laughed at the "funnier" parts. The humor wasn't even that great and sometimes I was thinking "Wait.....was that a joke? Am I supposed to laugh right now? I am confused." I didn't get the soup joke (or was this a reference? or was that even a joke at all?) for example. The only clever jokes in my opinion where the Beatles reference and the moon landing but what kid would actually get that?
Yet, the weakest point is the story itself. For a movie that is about the minions past we don't really get to know these guys. Their journey to villain con was the only interesting part of the movie. Once they move to London everything gets mindless and incoherent. The writers seemed to have no idea what to do next with them (again, that's why they work a supporting characters, not as main heroes).
The writers seemed to be so unsure of their own product that we never get explanations for anything that happens:
Scarlet gets smashed by a chandelier and lives (seeing how long it took her to activate her shield/dress in a later scene I just have to assume it wasn't her armor protecting her). Kevin shrinks down again after the bomb instead of being killed. The queen honors the minions (for what exactly? They were the reason all the bad stuff happened in the first place) Why didn't they mess up with Gru like with all the other masters before?
I really wish I could love this more but there wasn't really anything for me to love and enjoy. Instead, I will be waiting for Inside out to finally air in Austrian theaters and hope that at least this one doesn't disappoint me too.