Pretentious, highfalutin snoozefest.

Rating: 1/10 (3 July 2019)

Why, oh why does IMBD not have an option to give zero stars? I was beyond excited to see this movie. I waited for each preview trailer, bought midnight premier tickets, couldn't wait to see it. I enjoyed Hereditary, but I thought the ending was terrible. I should have taken that as a hint.
This movie was horrible-just horrible. It was like watching paint dry. It was way too long, the acting is an abomination, and no matter how good the cinematography is, it can't possibly make up for the ludicrous mess of a film I just saw. DO NOT listen to the critic reviews, or headlines. This movie is not scary, and it's certainly not suspenseful-because there's no climax to lead up to. What's worse, the ending smacks of repeat from Aster's previous film. He's a one-trick pony, and this film seals the deal. I didn't care about any of the characters, despite unresolved and totally unexplored backstory. They are complete idiots for staying for the entire pagan festival. Every activity, every scene is based on drugs, and why would anyone do any drugs while isolated in a village that seems to glorify death?
The entire premise of the movie is predicated on an event that, had it not happened, none of the ensuing events would ever have taken place. Is this a yearly festival, or is it every 90 years? There sure were an awful lot of pictures of May Queens...the plot holes are endless. Out-of-place movie references (apparently this electricity-free village has a TV and access to movies from the 90s!) Rituals and games that make no sense and are never explained. Characters standing around in silence for no reason with bizarre looks on their faces. Gross shots of old naked people. Stupid jokes that made no one in the theater laugh. In fact, the entire audience was laughing at all the parts that were supposed to be serious moments. This is usually an indication that the film director has FAILED MISERABLY.
So many missed opportunities for a good horror film that were totally abandoned. And don't give me this garbage that the movie was supposed to be some sort of metaphor for a failed relationship. That just insults the intelligence of everyone who makes the unfortunate mistake of viewing this film. This movie was a waste of time, money, and my intellect. I would have rather stayed home and played with my dog, or cleaned my bathroom, or bashed my head against the wall. Really anything else besides see this movie.