Midsommar a Miss

Rating: 1/10 (3 July 2019)

What would you think a movie involving white clothes and head wreaths would be about? If you said creepy pagan rituals then you're right.
Unfortunately, Midsommar was about what I thought it'd be about. Pagan rituals. Were the rituals more extreme than--let's say--Wicker Man? Yes. But extreme wasn't what I was looking for. I was looking for truly different. Truly scary. This movie wasn't scary it was just disturbing. There were ugly nude bodies, some gore, and overall disturbing ceremonies but it was still a pagan ritual movie.
But it was also slow. Exasperatingly slow. Slower than a constipated sloth. There were too many silent mood-setting shots. I've been programmed to know that silent shots in scary movies are for build-up. It's upon the movie maker to deliver on that build up. I can't count how many slow-moving shots in this movie were building up to nothing. I get it. You can't have something ghastly happen every time or it will become mundane. But not at all?
When these five friends went to Sweden for a getaway and decided to stop off in some remote village for their nine-day festival you knew something was gonna go down. But did it have to move so slowly and drag on forever? Did the scenes have to last so long? Between crying, moaning, singing, dancing, and panting they added so many nerve-wracking noises. Yeah, they made the movie more disturbing and also more annoying.
I remained patient throughout the entire film only to NOT be rewarded for my patience. As I suffered through the main character's neurosis and moping I couldn't help but think, "There better be gold at the end of this rainbow." I hate to say it, there was no gold... nor silver, nor copper, or any precious metal. It was just a fire being fed with two and a half hours of my precious time.