The Misadventures of Gil The Groupie

Rating: 2/10 (4 July 2019)

Caught this on Showtime the other night after seeing it a few years back, and was reminded of why I found it such pretentious clap-trap. As in "Celebrity", Allen taps yet another young blonde-haired, blue-eyed man to be his WASP doppelgänger, and surrounds him with obnoxious WASP elites. We're supposed to sympathize with him and his "plight". Only problem is Gil The Groupie (aka WASP Woody) is a such whiny, insecure twerp, despite being a successful screenwriter ("Adaptation.", anybody?), you want to deck him!
For reasons I didn't get, Gil The Groupie wishes that he could have kicked it with The Cool Kids of 1920's Paris, when Paris was, like, cool. One night, while wandering down a cobblestone road, Gil The Groupie gets his wish. What's more, The Cool Kids welcome him into The Club instantly; no one so much as asks: "Who is this guy?". Forget that none of The Cool Kids (Joséphine Baker, Djuna Barnes, Juan Belmonte, Luis Buñuel, Salvador Dalí, T.S. Eliot, F. Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Pablo Picasso, Cole Porter, Man Ray, Gertrude Stein, Leo Stein, Alice B. Toklas) were kicking it in Paris at the same time, Allen mocks these figures by reducing them collectively to the same shallow cliché as their new amigo.
Gil The Groupie finds himself in competition with Hemingway (whom Allen seems to have a bizarre obsession with; he gets more screen time than the rest of The Cool Kids put together) for the affections of Picasso's, ahem, "muse". Why any woman would give either of these jerks the time of day is beyond me, but then, the "muse" is doing the nasty with Picasso, King Of The Jerks, so her standards aren't very-high to begin with! Anyway, the "muse" is supposed to be this Little Girl Lost, so we're supposed to sympathize with her and her "plight". Only, we don't (I didn't, anyway): One minute, she's throwing herself at Gil The Groupie; the next, she runs off with Hemingway to Africa (!). After Little Girl Lost pops back up in Paris, Gil The Groupie gives her a pair of earrings, then they wind up in the 1890's because Allen has run out of ideas (not that he had any to begin with), where they find themselves kicking it with The Cool Kids, Belle Époque Version (Edgar Degas, Paul Gauguin, Henri Matisse, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec). When Little Girl Lost declares that she is staying in the 1890's, Gil The Groupie replies basically "whatever." This is the love of his life, but he just goes "whatever"?! Huh?! Did I miss something?! In case anyone cares, Belle Époque began some 20 years before Little Girl Lost declares "it's the start of the Belle Époque". But, I digress.
What had me screaming (aside from him finding Little Girl Lost's diary in a bookstore, and how Paris - one of the filthiest cities on the planet - is always freshly-scrubbed in the movies) was how Gil The Groupie tells everyone that he's from the future, yet no one asks for proof! He could have blown their minds by showing them his "masterpiece" on his laptop. But I digress (again). Such jaw-dropping stupidity really makes you question your faith in humanity.