A great big stinking pile of crud

Rating: Null/10 (19 August 2002)

Who let *this* dog out?
"Things are getting strange, I'm starting to worry, this could be a case for Mulder and Scully"... er, well, no, not really. The Man-and-Woman in Black would be falling about at the inanity of it all. Just what is this film about? It's not entertainment, that's for sure. Seems like it's just a simple-minded exercising of the power of modern computer graphics. And cynical money-making. "Men in Black did really well." "Yeah, and I've got this great new software." "Ok then, looks like we got ourselves another train full of gravy!"
The first fifteen minutes give it away, really. There's barely an original thought on show; instead we get images and ideas ripped off from Lexx, Buffy, Mission: Impossible, The X-Files, Doctor Who, Buffy again, ... and those were the just ones I noticed - not being a great sci-fi or action movie buff, who knows what others I missed?
The acting (if I dare call it that) seems to have been inspired by watching too many cardboard cut-outs standing outside small shops advertising this week's special offer. To call it two-dimensional would be an insult to Flatlanders. Will Smith coasts through apparently thinking "Hey, you saw me in Men in Black and you liked what you saw; just try to remember the good times we had back then"; Tommy Lee Jones seems to have decided that simply looking confused most of the time will do; Rosario Dawson pouts beautifully but with her physiognomy that really isn't a struggle. Various hangers-on come on strong like cast-offs from Star Trek - hey guys, just because you're in a stupid costume and we can't see your face (or in one unfortunate case we can see your face twice) doesn't mean you can get away with simply lumbering from A to B and lunging wildly when you get there. Rip Torn obviously said something unpleasant to someone in the make-up department, for why else would he be half-submerged behind that ridiculous face-fungus? Finally (in the humanoid department) Lara Flynn Boyle as the naughty alien chasing its particular Holy Grail and blowing up/slicing in two/eating anyone in its way is neither nasty, cunning or funny enough.
As for the non-humanoids... hey, a talking dog, with att-i-tuuuude, now *that's* a sure-fire winner. Hmmm, how can I put this? *Oh* *no* *it's* *not!* This one's not clever, it's not original, it's not funny. Especially when it serves absolutely no plot purpose whatsoever. The same goes for those stupid wormy things. Whatever happened to respect for the audience's intelligence?
Normally I rate films out of 10 but this one doesn't deserve the extra neuron-firing. Alas, if the viewing I went to is anything to go by, it's going to make more than enough money to lure the producers into making a third installment. May I plead with the aliens already living their undercover lives on our humble planet: please, take over Hollywood before it's too late!