Five Years and This is All We Get?

Rating: Null/10 (3 July 2002)

The first Men in Black -- oh, sorry, MIB -- was a huge hit during the summer of 1997 because it was what so many other would-be summer blockbusters aren't: in a word, original.
So, of course, the powers-that-be at Warner Bros. decided to turn around and do the most unoriginal thing imaginative: green light a sequel.
Guess what? The joke's on them. Because within the first fifteen minutes of this only sporadically funny film, fans of the sheer unexpectedness of the first will surely be thinking, "Hmm...think I've seen this done before. With more laughs. And better."
It was more fun, exciting, and all around better the first time around. In this pointless sequel, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones are stuck in a mainly lifeless thing-a-ma-jig about a shape shifting alien that takes the form of a Victoria's Secret underwear model and goes hunting for a crystal that will, somehow and for some reason, destroy the Earth. Problem is, Jones's character, K, is the only one who knows where the crystal is. The bigger problem is that K, you may remember, was brainwashed and retired at the end of the first film. His replacement, Agent J (Smith, looking bored after his superb turn in "Ali") has to bring him back into the fold.
The biggest problem, however, is that what was fresh the first time is stale this go 'round. Characters from the original pop up here and there (the talking dog; the worms; the alien store owner who keeps getting his head blown off -- yes, it happens again here, several tiresome times), muttering similar lines under similar circumstances. Was any thought put into this? Doesn't seem so. Matters are not helped by the fact that, since he is now the man in charge, Smith has to play the straight man, a role that does not suit him well.
To be certain, there are some amusing bits; a scene in a video store that specializes in conspiracy films (posters advertising Oliver Stone movies and "The China Syndrome" adorn the walls) has some hope; the talking mutt has a few good lines; there's a cute cameo by Michael Jackson. Jones slips back into character nicely, giving K a sarcastic edge in the earlier scenes to a laconic coolness later on. The last scene in the movie is the best one, but it comes about 79 minutes too late.
Ultimately the film is as drab as the suits worn by Smith and Jones, and where the original MIB was a good, snappy kick, MIB II needs someone to give it a good, swift kick to get it going.