"Has my father shown you his collection of rare books?"

Rating: Null/10 (3 January 2002)

Oh, what a masterpiece. For all those unsatisfied souls who thought they'd never live to see the day when Brad Pitt did a Jamaican accent, I give you: "Meet Joe Black". For all those desperate men and women who wanted to see a movie in which Brad Pitt spends ninety per cent of his screen time looking blank and, frankly, a little stupid, I give you: "Meet Joe Black". Some viewers, however, may feel a certain something is missing. What could it be? What is the elusive quality that this film lacks? Oh yes, it's all coming back to me (I drifted off for a second there, mesmerised by the thought of the production meeting in which the Brad-raps-with-black-lady scene was first suggested) - the one thing this film needs is a plot. And at least an hour of its running time cutting out. And an entirely different cast. And something happening, at some point. Another imdb reviewer has asked what us precious souls could have been doing with our precious time instead of watching this. Well, I could have been asleep. I could have been having my toenails removed by masked intruders. I could have been starring in a porn movie. All sorts of things! In fact, next time "MJB" (as I like to call it) is next on TV, I would happily be doing anything except witnessing it. Saints preserve us, in a more enlightened time than this, the people responsible for "MeetJoeB" (as I like to call it) would have been burned at the stake. There can be no excuse, no explanation, for pap of this quality and quantity. The only possible response for any sane individual who accidentally endures the monstrosity known as "MJBlack" (as I like to call it) is to systematically seek out all those involved and have them destroyed. Yes, that would mean "Fight Club" would never have existed. You know what? I can live with that. If I could turn back time (as Cher once so memorably said) I would do the job myself. Happily. No court in the land could convict me, once exhibit A had been, uhmmm, exhibited. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: "Meet Joe Black". And you can keep it.