Bad Woody Allen, Bad!

Rating: 2/10 (6 January 2006)

I'm a WA fan. I must say that even Bullets Above Broadway is one of my favorite movies. I also saw Mighty Aphrodites and Everybody Says I love You, and that should have warned me that post-Mia Farrow Woody is a sorry juggler of banalities and clichés, but this pitiful attempt at making a meaningful statement about life was truly painful to watch.
No matter how hard they try, American filmmakers just can't make a good "European" movie. Not even if they film it in Europe and pile in it a group of first class European actors in secondary roles as the "odd yet lovable characters" - which these true professionals easily chew and spit out. This film is trivial, slow-paced, boring and unimaginative. Every step is predictable and borrowed from old European movies, especially French ones with a strong Alan Delon feel to them and some British "perfect crime" movies. But none of this was developed well enough to make a statement, to surprise viewers, or at least to delight them.
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers has striking good looks, but they wore off as his unambitious performance of a supposedly charismatic and charming character made me want to hurl my soda at him (several times). The typically "European" hints and connections that were supposed to tie this concoction together could not be any less subtle. As if Woody Allen was trying to scream at you - Look, look how cleverly I brought all of this together! Remember that scene at the beginning? This is where it all should become clear to you, people!!! Yippi Yey!!
The only dynamic and imaginative thing in this pathetic and unremarkable cinematographic event was the view of London and of different living conditions you can find there for very different prices. Apparently WA is working for the Home and Garden channel now. The before and after of Chris Wilton looked like an episode on "Saved by Design". This was also the only aspect of the movie that had significant range, unlike the leading man's acting ability.
Honestly, go see The Matador or anything else with Pierce Brosnan - him and Renee Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair were what Scarlet Johansson and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers should want to be when they grow up.