plenty for the eyes; not much for the head or heart

Rating: 3/10 (22 October 2006)

Kirsten Dunst stars as one of history's most infamous aristocrats in a splendid-looking, tediously dull account of her life from the arranged marriage to France's heir apparent (Jason Schwartzman. Really. No kidding. Him), through their ascent to the throne and the start of La Revolution.
The script presents Marie rather sympathetically. Leaving her Austrian home behind to forge an alliance by marrying another teenager is purely a matter of duty. Louis, poised to become #XVI, is a complete nerd, and possibly gay. Her mission is to do whatever it takes to bear a child, since the union, and its vital political benefits, isn't a done-deal until a royal baby pops out. Heavy pressure.
Director Sofia Coppola was obviously granted a budget for costumes and sets more lavish than the palace's legendary excesses. Too bad no one had the clout to shift a few of those dollars or euros to the writing fund. She gets sole screenplay credit, and therefore deserves the blame. The cast (notably including Rip Torn's raunchy Louis XV and Judy Davis) and premise were in place for a witty, racy view of the players and their fate. Versailles was cleverly dissed a few years ago in "Ridicule". Had they opted for more dramatic psychological tension, Willem Dafoe's "The Night and the Moment" would have served as a model. At the very least, they could have tweaked the nudity and debauchery up to R-rating levels for some cheap thrills. The only novelty is showing the absurd formalities and protocols in every mundane daily function; for Marie, simply rising from her bed in the morning entailed a rigidly-orchestrated ceremony - a far cry from being satisfied with "Folger's in your cup" as the bests part of waking up.
Coppola tantalizes with anachronistic rock tunes over the credits and again later in the film, but to no avail. That gimmick worked delightfully in "A Knight's Tale", when the action and tongue-in-cheek story meshed with the music (who didn't go nuts along with that medieval jousting crowd getting pumped for the battle by "We will, we will rock you!!"). But Coppola, perhaps seduced by the opportunity to shoot her film at Versailles, chose to dote on shoes, clothes, jewelry, furnishings and pastries - essentially all the pomp of Marie's circumstance - like one of those voyeuristic TV tours of rich and famous folks' homes, with few laughs, less drama, and diminishing reasons to care about the heads beneath the wigs. After its theatrical run, it should air on one of the home-shopping programs, rather than the premium movie channels.
I won't say whether they show Marie's last gasp on the guillotine; but many in the audience will have found their own heads nodding off long before the film reaches that point. I would have welcomed Mel Brooks signing off with "it's not always good to be the king".