Man on Dramamine

Rating: 1/10 (14 November 2004)

I don't know if I'm nauseous from the another robotic performance by the overrated 'Den-ZEHL' or from the nonstop Blair Witch Project stop-n-jerk filming. Okay mr creative director - we get it: you like to mix your black and whites with pastels and you like to move the camera at neato angles every 2 seconds. Enough already.
This movie was awful enough for me to proclaim it in a review. Den-ZEHL was cool in 1990 - that was the FIRST time he played the role of an emotionless dolt more than ten years ago. It's getting old. Now he plays the same character, this time named Greasy. Team him up with the charming duo of Christopher Walken and Mickey Rourke and you've got a comedy - only its unintentional. The plot was horrible. Nothing was believable, starting with the family hiring a drunk has-been mercenary to watch their princess. And what's up with her? She speaks like she's 8 going on 48, and that creepy diary? Creepy! Gross!
Did anyone else notice that no one was pursuing Greasy? Every explosion scene had him walking in, around or through a giant fireball to save or nab someone, all the while wearing his fancy suits and not breaking a sweat in the hot Mexican sun. And do these sprawling crowded cities in Mexico have police or at least concerned citizens? I could go on and on, but I'm seriously queasy from this cinematic garbage.