Bipolar Express

Rating: 1/10 (24 November 2006)

If a serial killer was dating a woman who loved little kitten figurines and romance novels, then this would be the date movie for them.
The first part of the film, in which a bitter and cynical Denzel Washington finds renewed faith in the beauty of the world, because he has met the perfect little blond girl, is basically a black version of Heidi (although the character of Heidi remains, of course, very white.) The second part of the film, in which Denzel uses his renewed faith in the beauty of the world to think up ever more creative ways to lovingly torture each bad guy (including shoving an explosive up one poor villain's anus), is as unwatchable as all of the other Hollywood torture fetish flicks out there.
Oh, but it all made sense in the end. The perfect little blond girl is saved only because Denzel is able to get in touch with his inner Nazi and do whatever unspeakable things he had to do to all those evil foreigners to save her. Guantanamo Bay, anyone?