The Movie I wish Existed

Rating: 6/10 (14 February 2014)

A new Superman movie was as inevitable as four more Superman movies by 2040. I could tear apart Man of Steel, but I am out of kryptonite (see what I did there???). Instead, I will present the movie that I wish existed in its place. Hell, maybe I will make this movie by 2040. Once upon a time in Smallville
Martha and Jonathan Kent, played by Jeff Bridges and Amy Adams (in old lady make-up), find a baby, played by an actual baby, in a small spacecraft that crashed in their corn fields. This special baby is wrapped in a giant red blanket with an 'S' on it.
The Kents linearly progress through scenes depicting them raising a growing alien boy, played by one of the Culkin brothers, who excels at sports, gets straight A's by cheating on tests with X-ray vision, and struggles with hiding the extent of his abilities and the overwhelming affection all 14 of Smallville's highschool-aged girls.
One day, young Clark Kent has to use his powers to save a family in a flipped car that is going to explode. Papa Kent talks with his son afterward about how Clark did the right thing and has abilities that can help the people of Earth. He further remarks that doing nothing would have been as bad as killing the family, himself.
Following that, Clark ages and masters his powers to the point of being able to fly, shoot lasers from his eyes, and breathe really cold air at stuff. When Clark respectfully tells Jonathan and Martha that he wants to know where he came from, they show him the ship, which yields the location of a giant cave. Clark, now played by Channing Tatum with dark longer hair, wearing thick hipster glasses, leaves his loving parents and flies to the cave to find a lair that his father had launched somehow from Krypton to the Arctic. In the cave, a recording of his parents explains the fate of Krypton, who Clark actually is, and presents an article of clothing that should fit Clark, which is highly resilient to rough circumstances and fire (or else his super butt will show due to weak, Earth fabric). Clark thinks the outfit will look awesome with his blanket as a toga or something. His fashion forward mother thinks that it would be sweet as a cape, which his tailor father sews for him (Martha is the mayor of Smallville). His parents understand that their son will one day be a hero, but tell Clark that he first needs to go to college.
We skip the whole college thing and jump to him getting an awesome internship at the Daily Planet. Clark acts like a boring guy who wears polo shirts tucked into khakis and loves Sudoku. He assists and inevitably falls for head-strong, confident journalist, Lois Lane, played by Aubrey Plaza. Then, some evil force attacks Metropolis minimally damaging buildings before Superman shows up, saves Lois, and then kills the evil force (I liked that part of Man of Steel because I love murder!). All the while, Lois and the rest of the Daily planet crew wonder why Clark-the-intern ran off at the first sign of danger and hold mild contempt for him. At the same time, Lois develops a healthy obsession with her savior, Superman. The movie ends with Lois and the other journalists ridiculing Clark for being a coward and him replying, "sometimes I don't feel very invincible".