Mad Max: Spurious Turd? Yah, sorry, I didn't get it.

Rating: 5/10 (21 March 2016)

Note: This is a text version of my Popcorn Lobotomy Scathing Review video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmCBViDyn3w
(The video review is much more fun)
So while you're all salivating like Pavarotti's dogs (yeah, Pavarotti's dogs – I guess dogs drool when they hear the great tenors or something?) at the prospect of a Mad Max Fury Road sequel, I'm left scratching my head.
I mean, how exactly did this movie become such a fan favorite? And more to the point, how did it's popularity end up moving the cigar- chomping, top-hat-wearing out-of-touch stiffs at The Academy to vote for the damned thing?
Maybe it's because I'm just not into impractically pimped up vehicles, or people in wacky children's face-paint screaming all their lines, but I just didn't get much out of Mad Max Fury Road.
And I'm sorry, I know it's popular, I know this is probably going to tick you all off... but I just don't think one long car chase sequence deserves to be called a movie, no matter how well it's executed, and it CERTAINLY doesn't deserve to pick up anything but technical awards at the Oscars.
Now, obviously some of the action is cool and there are some pretty CGI backgrounds -- got you dazzled did it? -– but without the grounding of an post-2nd-grade-level story and characters I can vaguely relate to, it's all as pointless as pointing out that pointlessness is pointless itself.
Seriously, who cares if Tom Hardy gets hit with an exploding spear if we don't even know who he is or why he's driving recklessly around the desert like Dodi Fayed on a severe acid trip?
Yes, there's a basic functioning back-story where Max's wife and kid get their faces mushed at what appears to be a monster truck rally -- but you could count the screen time devoted to it in frames.
And of course, that's just Max. None of the other characters even get a few frames of flashback to explain their presence in the story or to motivate us to care about them.
So Mad Max paints a dystopic picture of a post-apocalyptic world where people seem be willing to go that extra mile to maximize the risk of losing an eye.
But despite all the sharp edges and hard surfaces, people drive around like maniacs, doing ridiculous stunts and taking really unnecessary risks in a chaotic effort to blow each other up for... I dunno... reasons.
Our hero, Max, spends much of his time chained up, gagged and mounted on the front of a car like some kind of glorified hood ornament.
And even when he finally manages to break free of his chains, he still opts to communicate in gestures and grunts, even when he's threatening to shotgun the tits off a bunch of innocent young girls who are just trying to engage in a little "wet and wild" titillation while in mortal danger of being killed or recaptured by the overweight asthmatic master and his cronies.
Of course it's all part of the film's decision to tell it's story is a purely visual fashion, right? Like the silent films of old? And hasn't THAT garnered respect from critics and audiences alike? Oh minimal dialog, how clever, wow, regale us some more George Miller you maestro!
Maybe while you're here, you could explain to me why a movie with minimal dialog makes time to include lines like "now we bring home the booty" and "he's a crazy smeg who eats shlanger"?
And you know, I use the term "story" in the loosest of terms here, because Mad Max is a story about a bunch of people who go somewhere to find something, find it's not there and go back to where they started.
Along the way, the most vulnerable and innocent of them, including a pregnant girl and a nice old lady, are killed by a gang of pole vaulting mimes. Then again you could well argue that the pregnant girl didn't die because she was being chased by circus freaks, but that she slipped to her death because that prick Mad Max shot her in the leg earlier in the film.
Honestly, would you even know Max was the hero if his name wasn't 50% of the title?
So now, this piece of crap movie I just described has now won some Oscars. I guess you're all pretty pleased with yourselves, are ya? Changed the face of the Oscars and all that? Pushed through the typical movie snobbery of the Academy Award voters to get recognition for a fan favorite popcorn flick?
But think about it. What have you DONE? I hear a lot of people concerned that the Deadpool movie will spawn a whole bunch of R-Rated comic book movies with shoehorned violence, profanity and nudity.
But what about Mad Max? What types of movies will the cigar chomping Hollywood execs be emboldened to pursue as a result of it's success, huh?
Now it's 100% proved that movies don't need story, character or subtlety to win awards. All you need to do is hire a bunch of Olympic pole vaulters and Javelin-chuckers to bounce around like rejects while you blow stuff up and bring on the Oscar glory.
So get ready for a sting of inferior sequels and copycats, and don't come whining to me when you realize that films have become devoid of story, character or a coherent narrative in favor of flashy action and effects.
Because in this life, we reap what we sow.