"Why the hate"??? Because it's a two-hour turd hoagie

Rating: 1/10 (6 June 2020)

How this film boasts a 7.7 rating with almost 300,000 weighing in is beyond me. That's too many for shilling, so one must assume this is the world's honest consensus opinion.
The positive reviews are technically correct on some points: yes, ok, this is a thriller about revenge, it's violent and gritty, and its fairly elaborate plot coils tightly around itself. It boasts an impressive roster of A-list actors, and the director/writer are definitely aiming for the upper echelons of Tarantinery.
The sad part: I am not even sure that McGuigan and Smilovic missed. Maybe the trauma of witnessing our civilization slowly flush itself down the apocalypse bowl for the last decade has so completely severed me from the mid-2000s cultural zeitgeist that I just can't fathom how anyone could have found something this vapid and contrived to be funny, cool, or entertaining. Maybe the majority of people on this planet are dull, easily amused, and proud of it. Maybe I am just crotchety and jaded at my advanced age of thirty-five.
Then again, I would like to think that McDonagh went on to pen Seven Psychopaths - a desperately needed and wholly deserved skewering of Tarantinery - after walking out of this particular film. (He really didn't, but it's a nice fantasy that definitely belongs to SP's meta-realm.) The fact that SP has a rating a half a point lower than LNS is just another sign of our civilization's impending collapse, as far as I am concerned.
In any case, dissecting why Slevin is a nauseatingly unhip mess that goatse-stretches the viewer's credulity to its incontinence point is not just an objective waste of time, but pretty much impossible without spoilers. Basically, imagine expecting nonsensical plot elements and improbable coincidences to make some semblance of sense after an hour and a half - only to have to choke down an explanation that is even more improbable and nonsensical than what you started with. And don't even get me started on the awful dialogue, the lame names/handles, the mere presence of un-ironic hitmen...
Instead, I'll just point you to Seven Psychopaths, which aims at the same upper echelons - with a satire-caliber cannon, loaded with heart and wit. Smashes a gaping hole clean through, revealing the bloody, soulless vacuum beyond. I am even willing to compromise here: if that sounds a bit too 'meta' or 'preachy' for you, and if you'd rather watch something with a bit more style over just about everything else - go for Guy Ritchie's latest, The Gentlemen. Totally vapid, silly, contrived, improbable - but like...still entertaining and fun. (Oh, and Ritchie draws enough water to fill his own britches, so any comparisons to Tarantino are superfluous and unnecessary.)