The only movie that ever gave me an axe to grind

Rating: 1/10 (27 June 2006)

Right off the bat, I will say that I have never been a Richard Curtis fan. 'Blackadder' I could take or leave, 'Four Weddings' made me chuckle, 'Notting Hill' had no merit whatsoever and 'Bridget Jones' almost had me at hello but then the movie started. The guy just doesn't write good stories. The only reason I get roped into seeing these films is because my girlfriends like them. I went to see 'Love Actually' because I like Christmas movies and my girlfriend at the time thought it would be a good date movie. Besides, with a cast like that how could it not at least sort-of deliver the goods? The best part of 'Love Actually:' the credits. Why? Because the credits mean that the film is over and you can leave. After walking out of the theater I never wanted to see another Christmas movie again, my girlfriend (who also hated the film) and I broke up a few weeks later (yeah, it was THAT bad), and every actor in the film is now on my "well-they-used-to-be-good-until-they-acted-in-'Love-Actually'" list.
Where to begin? Plot lines: the film had way too many. Laura Linney's story would have been the first to go had I been the one in the editing room. Her acting was no good and her phony affection toward her office worker was contrived and lame. The story of John and Just Judy also needed to be introduced to the cutting room floor. It was neither cute nor ironic the way they portrayed that you can find love on the set of a porno movie. Not that it doesn't happen, but the movie's approach just to get some nudity on screen was weak.
Could this film have had any more clichés? Awww . . . the desirable bachelor/Prime Minister falls in love with his fat, foul-mouthed secretary from the wrong part of town; the divorced struggling writer has the hots for his housekeeper who doesn't speak English; the triangle of the drifting husband, the shattered wife, the assistant who just wants to get in her boss's pants; the kid who learns to play the drums to get the attention of the most popular girl in school . . . where does it end? In attempting to cover every demographic the film presents itself as an insufferable mirage of one ridiculous circumstance after another. The guy who goes on the American-orgy rampage: 'nuff said.
At least we had Bill Nighy to add some comedic lines (his radio and TV interviews were hysterical). It's a shame that IMDb only has a scoring range from 1 to 10 as I have never in my life so badly wanted to give a film a negative score.