Vile, thoroughly

Rating: Null/10 (27 July 2004)

*SPOILER* At the end of this 2 hour car crash my wife and I were left mute in sheer psychic horror. I couldn't believe that life in the outside world carried on after such a blight on not only film, but humanity itself. My wife had wanted to turn the film off at about the 60 minute mark but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was transfixed, I was being carried away on this cynical, witless, loveless juggernaut and I had to witness where it would finally stop. Some things should never be seen... I honestly respect other people's opinions but I am staggered by the amount of positive reviews for this film, this film is just.. just vile. What upset me? Everything, but here's some highlights..
The bit where the young chap goes to America. So he instantly meets three gorgeous women in a bar, and they start saying he should sleep with them but they only have one bed and no pyjamas, and they have a sexy friend coming over... I'm thinking what will be the clumsy joke here, they're prostitutes? The friend will turn out to be a transvestite? The English chap won't "rise" to the occasion? NO, none of these things. The genius of the writing means that THERE IS NO JOKE, the chap goes off and has sex with 4 girls and comes home with one of them. GENIUS. It's like he said all along, American girls can't resist an English accent. OH WONDERFUL. If I was an American woman I'd really enjoy this playful mockery of me, no, I really would.
The swearing. I am no prude, I swear with the best of them, I combine vile words to make new, impossibly rude phrases. But I don't swear in front of children, like the Liam Neeson character does, apparently for comic effect. And the endless amusement we are meant to enjoy every time someone with an upper class accent says f*ck or bugger. After "Four Weddings" and "Notting Hill" I was anticipating the first "posh people swearing" moment in this film, and at about the 2 minute mark Bill Nighy does it. Excellent!!! Now I could sit back and enjoy the hilarious set-ups that would allow all the other actors to take their turn saying the word "bugger" amusingly.
That run in with the US President... part of my soul actually died. And the list of all things wonderfully British that the PM gives, "The Beatles, Harry Potter, David Beckham..." Was this a joke at the expense of Tony Blair's "Cool Britania"? I only retain my sanity by telling myself that this is so, as any other alternative is too uncomfortable to live with.
When that child leapfrogs through airport security... in a film that's started with a monologue referencing 9/11 (I'm not going there, oh nooooo....) .....is beyond... words. Good job he was white with blond hair or there could really have been some "hilarious consequences".
The most telling bit, for me, is near the beginning when the Bill Nighy character says "This is sh*t" (or words to that effect) and his manager replies "Solid gold sh*t". I think the makers of this nightmare know exactly that this film is "solid gold sh*t" with its fantastic cast and dire, unfunny, and at times offensive (sizeist, sexist, racist) script, and they gleefully rub it in your face. This is the most cynical film I have ever seen. It's a series of 20 minute adverts for unfunny sitcoms chopped up and mixed together in the hope that if you throw enough some of it might stick. I don't just want my money back, I demand the two hours of my life I threw away watching this insulting rubbish.