"Come aboard...we're expecting you!!!"

Rating: 1/10 (2 December 2003)

Something gnawed at the back of skull as I watched couple after couple appear at the beginning of the film. Maybe it was the expectation that Alan Rickman would be drop-kicked by Bruce Willis in an unexpected cameo...maybe it was the hope that Tony Blair would step in to rescue the poor secretary's reputation...and produce another dossier of Hugh's ungentlemanly conduct! The simulated sex scene was...well...for a moment I thought it was cinema verite of a typical British tryst, but that would be unkind.
No, despite the disappointment that ALL of the scenes I saw were actors going through the motions, what finally caused me to flee the theater in disgust was the glimpse of...yes, you guessed it...the Love Boat along the Thames! Really! Go back and take another look! Just below the giant Ferris Wheel! Tell the theater owners that you'll take a free showing in exchange for my refund.
Before I got up to walk out, I became misty, remembering all the 1970s actors who had found a new life on the decks of the Pacific Princess. The formulaic attentions of Doc, Isaac and Gopher. If `Love, Actually' had only been a musical, it would have been excellent fun.
Had I known it was so horrid (7.9 rating indeed!), I would have looked for a double-feature with Rocky Horror, and brought rice. Or, better yet, would have given Love Boat alumn Ernest Borgnine a second look in "Super Fuzz" since, with his latest offering, Hugh Grant has nudged that performance up from the bottom of all time depths plumbed by an actor.
Anchors away!
1 out of 10