9 stories, 2 worth telling

Rating: 2/10 (24 November 2003)

***NOT-MUCH-TO-SPOILERS*** Okay, one story at a time in order of ascending badness. The story of an american woman (the wonderful Laura Linney) living in London whose love for a collegue is thwarted by her being constantly on-call for her mentally handicapped brother is by far the most successful thing about this film. Linney is superb, and the scenes in the mental institution are pitch perfect. This story neither tries to depress or elevate, just show. 8/10.
The story of a man (Liam Neeson) whose wife has recently died and whose son is in love with an american girl at school is very cheesy, not helped by the fact that the kid is scripted with adult dialogue, but is almost saved by the sheer joy of watching Neeson float through it. This would have been a good story for the kids, but unfortunately the rest of the film is filled with gratuitous swearing and nudity, so who this film is aimed at is lost on me. 5/10.
Juliet has married Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) whose best friend Mark (Andrew Lincoln) doesn't seem to like her. At first it seems he is in love with Peter, but it transpires his unrequited love with Juliet is the cause of his aloofness. This whole story seems to be building up to one scene where he does something romantic and she kisses him. Great scene, but there's nothing else going for it. 5/10.
Jamie (Colin Firth) is a cuckolded writer who moves to the French countryside to work on a new book. He falls in love with his Portugese (not Russian as someone from Holland says above) cleaner (this sounds like the Hugh Grant story) despite them not speaking the same language. Good idea, great comic potential, but Curtis makes nothing of it other than a tedius love story and ENDLESS, ENDLESS non-gags where one of them says something then the other 'accidentally' says something in reply. This was due a lot of jokes and has been let down. Highlights: Firth's usual charisma and a scene where his cleaner's whole village follow him through the streets on his way to propose. 4/10.
John (Martin Freeman) and Judy (Joanna Page) are body doubles who spend their days simulating sex scenes with each other, but when it comes to dealing with their mutual attraction they're too shy, except they do get together in the end. Good idea for a comedy? I thought so. Not a single joke in the whole story. As with the Firth story above, this is another example of 'comedy genius' Curtis failing to develop a promising idea into a funny story. 3/10.
Karen (Emma Thompson) discovers her husband (Alan Rickman) is on the verge of commencing an affair with an employee. And that's it. What should have been the dark side of this film has nothing in it that isn't in the premise of a hundred other films. The whole story just seemed to get dropped. Where was this idea going? And why didn't it get there? 3/10.
Hugh Grant as prime minister. Nuff said. Why did Thornton do this? It doesn't accuse the american government; it just insults them. And who thought Martine McCutcheon could act? This is just dire! The highlight is Grant and some bloke singing a christmas carol! And that's in the trailer!!! 2/10.
Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) is an aged heroin-addicted rock star trying to make a comeback with a soppy Xmas rendition of Love Is All Around (geddit?). The funny thing is, he's really honest about what he thinks of it and this drives his manager (Gregor Fisher) mad. But they love each other really. The even funnier thing is that this isn't funny, or even competently written or acted. It's just a waste of time. The only decent line is the Britney Spears one - and again that's in the trailer. 1/10.
Annoying lad (Kris Marshall) can't pull. Convinced that his Englishness will do well for him in the US, he goes there to pull. He pulls. Four women. At once. That's it. No, it's not funny. Yes, it is retarded. 0/10.
Which gives this film an average of 3.4, rounded down to 3 and minus 1 for these stories not being hung together properly (some of them seem to end around the middle of the film's running time). Total: 2!
Nine stories, none of which are funny, and only four of which are in any way romantic. A waste of time and talent. Linney should get her kit off for projects far worthier than this in future.