An annoying, cloying, self-indulgent, hackneyed MESS.

Rating: 1/10 (30 July 2004)

This movie truly is pretty damned awful. It's a shame, with all the talent in it, and high production values (it's often very pretty to look at, at least). Goodness knows, I'm just as susceptible as any romantic sap, to a good--even sappy or corny--romantic comedy. But this was mostly just annoying. It's like the film's makers had a big manual, filled with standard romantic comedy clichés and situations, along with a few new twists that are not improvements on the tried (sometime tired) and true. Then they stuffed the movie with 'way too many characters, and began assigning the various clichés to them, like assigning numbers in a crowded shop.
The movie makers seemed intent on achieving heart-tugging moments, cutesy moments and other such moments, at prescribed intervals throughout the film. Unfortunately, they're just as fake as can be--no truth or genuine emotion in sight, other than glimmers some of the actors can evoke, which is only more annoying, given that the context those actors are in don't support or deserve those glimmers. Think little diamond chips sprinkled on dog poo. Yuck. Won't even go into all the misogyny, the needless swearing, crassness, ageism, lookism (let's all laugh at the heavy Portuguese woman, and cheer her father for being mean to her!)--oy, what a mess! Have these film makers never heard of the concept of "character development?" At moments like Colin Firth's march to the restaurant, and awkward marriage proposal, I really thought this might be a spoof, it was so bad and ham-fisted. Doing that with an actor of his caliber should be illegal.
It all culminates in a ridiculous, over-the-top (and not in a good way) final sequence that puts all these characters (with possible exception of Laura Linney's--not sure. Was she not available for that particular shooting schedule?) in one place, supposedly tying up their various stories into "happy ending" cinematic Christmas packages. GAG!
The main, big, unforgivable problem with LOVE, ACTUALLY is that none of these emotional moments is earned at all. They're just stuck on to the surface of the movie, like a big, pointless, ineffective mosaic. The finished product of this chaos is an annoying, cloying, self-indulgent, hackneyed MESS. Never have I felt so manipulated by film makers, almost as if they were commanding me to be moved, but I felt more like they were sticking their fingers down my throat! Dreadful.