I wish I knew how to say "crap" in Portuguese

Rating: Null/10 (21 May 2004)

Some degree of spoilers.
When I heard bad things about this movie I thought it couldn't be worse than say, Kate and Leopold or You've Got Mail. Let me tell you, compared to this piece of garbage, those are Shakespeare.
So I rented it, thinking it would be a piece of harmless candy for a Friday night. Wrong. Though my expectations were low, they were, in the end, way too high.
What you've got is an assortment of half-baked story lines so crowded together the director hopes you don't notice how utterly shallow and pointless they are. I didn't give a rat's arse about a single character, including the little boy, because they were all identical.
The worse "couple", hands down, was the two porn people. This was just such a mindless excuse to throw in some nudity. They were actually edited out for three-quarters of the movie, until somebody remembered them and brought them back for the big airport finale. Talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas.
The second worst was the Prime Minister and the secretary. Right. The Prime Minister knocking on doors in a working class neighbourhood looking for a date. Puh-leese.
And then there's the woman who can't spend even one night with a guy because she has a handicapped brother. That is such a load. And if the jerk really wanted a relationship with her he'd learn to accept her brother as part of the package. What an insult to the mentally handicapped.
I can't be bothered to go through the rest of them.
By the way, scenes with happy natives clapping in slow motion while the music builds to a crescendo and Whitey stands there like the conquering hero to rescue the dusky maiden from a life of working as a domestic for the likes of him SHOULD BE OUTLAWED. God, no more. How do all those idiots in her village know that he isn't a bigamist or a criminal?
The one tiny bright spot was the washed up old rocker who seemed to be laughing at everyone around him while he collected his paycheck.
Anyway, the ultimate message seems to be that if you've fixed your sights on someone, no matter for how short a time, you should do psychotic things in the so-called name of love, and you'll get your way. Don't worry about getting to know the person, just cut to the cheering public declaration of love.
Oh, yeah, in this post 9/11 era, that kid was lucky he wasn't shot running through airport security. Or maybe his blondness saved him.
Rating: zero on ten.