The Rotten Fruits of Independence

Rating: 1/10 (6 July 2007)

A 4th July movie; I performed the obligatory preparations (especially leaving my brain at home) and sat down to watch two hours of pure eye-candy. What I saw instead, before I walked out forty minutes later, was a gross insult to my optical nerves, my gluteus maximus, and my wallet. I didn't watch the last half of the movie; it might have been the best use of celluloid since 'Independence Day', but after twitching through half-an-hour of badly-stitched clichés of much better movies, my tolerance alarm was blaring too loud for me to care. The sight of Venus setting over the hills as I left the cinema was the cheapest and most rewarding experience of the evening.
When I invest 8 in dodging the rain, I expect instant dividends, not a random sequence of eavesdroppings from fellow customers mumbling 'jealous dad from Armageddon', 'escort like 16 Blocks' and 'control room from WarGames', yet the moving air from each end of the audience's alimentary canals was the highlight of the performance.
Quite simply, I didn't care; without the necessary diet of action, my brain regained control and I became increasingly frustrated at the insulting script, offensive acting, embarrassing nods to Globalism and oh-so-fashionable abuse of colour and contrast. I won't be the first to say this, and I certainly won't be the last: if 'Die Hard 4.0' is the best that the USA has to offer, I wish the British had won the War of Independence.