Lincolon - Not a typo

Rating: 1/10 (2 March 2013)

Recently I had the opportunity to watch Lincoln, or the more aptly named Lincolon. Two hours of horrendous script and fiction woven by a zealot with a thesaurus who believed that replacing words such as 'empty' with 'vacus' turned his sup-par script into a masterpiece.
The film started with good old honest Abe 'relaxing' or should that be 'tranquilize thy consciousness' on a military camp site with the men but not just men, black men! The mood and tone of the film has been set, Lincolon is grounded and relaxed when surrounded by the people. He's one of you. Isn't he wonderful! Made ever so much harder to believe when we can quote Licolon from his debates with Douglas in 1858:
"I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in any way the social and political equality of the white and black races, — that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, not to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will for ever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality."
The great political insights I gathered from this film was that 19th century American politics consisted of politicians calling each other farty pants and vacus nincompoops. It was the equivalent of watching 'Dude where's my car' set in the 19th Century. If that wasn't bad enough good old honest Abe was there to make sure we suffered.
Every ten minutes good old lovely Abe would tell the out of depth mere mortals a story that would give us great depth and insight into a situation that would, within a few seconds change that persons entire outlook on life. Half way through the film I began to believe I had walked into a movie about the second coming of Christ. At one point, even the script writer had become so tired of writing Abe's story's that he added himself into the script via a character with the lines 'I know what you're going to do! You're going to tell one of your story's again! I'm not staying around for this!'. A thought probably shared by millions who've watched this film.
As for Daniel Day Lewis's Oscar winning performance. I can recreate the performance right here in text.
"Would you like some tea Abe?" ".........................................yes, i.... think I.... will"
"What do we do Abe?" "..................................This reminds me.........of a time..."
The common people of America with a child like grasp on history and inability to read a book that doesn't have pictures will declare this as one of the greatest films ever made. The historical accuracy of this film rivals that of 'Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter' It's a pure work of fiction and anybody who believes the civil war was about abolishing slavery needs to spend only ten minutes with their head in a history book to know the truth.
I will end this review with a final quote from the white messiah Abe Lincolon.
"If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery, and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union."