Unoriginal and Unimaginably Stupid

Rating: 3/10 (5 April 2017)

If this film were a high school essay it would receive a failing grade for two major reasons. One is its sheer stupidity (more on that in a moment). The other is its lack of originality or – as it's known in school – plagiarism. Is there a rule that says we've got to remake Alien for every new generation? If you love the old "confined in a small space with a bloodthirsty alien" routine, go see Alien. Indeed, go see any of its sequels before you waste your time on this not-very-bright remake. If you're a real film historian, then go see It – The Terror From Beyond Space. Despite its silly title, this low-budget 1958 original shows you where the whole Alien franchise got its shtick from.
But by far, the bigger sin here is stupidity. Even the most original film concept couldn't survive a script like this. Suspension of disbelief is one thing. But this goes way beyond that. Consider: these guys are doing the Star Trek thing. They're looking for new life and new civilizations. They're geared to finding new life forms, and we find them eagerly going through what look like soil samples from Mars. So you'd think they'd have some protocols in place just in case they get lucky. Even more, you'd think the people on the mission would show a little sophistication about dealing with possible alien forms of life. And you'd think their vehicle would be designed with the dangers of such possibilities in mind.
So what do we get? The highest priority seems to be naming the alien. Then some clown on the crew actually poking his finger at this not-so-benign looking life form! Ask yourself - if a 10 year old kid finds an orphaned raccoon in the woods and brings it home, what does he do? He names it and tries to pet it. So why can't we expect a little more from this highly trained space crew than that 10-year old kid? And when this alien goes quiet for a while, guess what that space explorer does. He sticks an electric prod into the alien to try to rouse it! It's hard to tell for the rest of the movie whether the creature's behavior towards the crew reflects inherent evil (which the writers conveniently assume) or because it's just plain p*ssed off. Lord knows, I am, and all I did was buy a ticket.
The three stars in my review are for (1) hearing Norman Greenbaum under the closing credits - what an unexpected payday for him! and (2) the CG effects. At least, I'm assuming they're CGIs. If not, I'm even more impressed with the acting job done by somebody's pet octopus. Next to the lab rat, who didn't have much to do before being absorbed, the creature deserves star billing. And FWIW, neither of us could figure out what happened at the end. It was plain the producers were going to pull a Night of the Living Dead "nothing turns out OK" ending. But I couldn't even guess the "logic" behind how this one went so horribly wrong. Maybe the whole movie is simply meant to be a political satire revealing that ultimately our species is doomed by its own stupidity.