My old enemy - stairs

Rating: Null/10 (23 December 2012)

This film jettisons the essential tone and message of the original, while retaining the superficial elements of the characters and setting.
Having successfully manipulated the clichés of the mono-myth and countless references to action films into an original, funny and heart-warming masterpiece, the franchise loses its way with this dud. Here the writers become the tools of the story-we-all-know, every step predictable. Gary Oldman plays (as usual) the villain with a thousand faces, flawlessly, yes, but that's the problem. There's no humanity in the peacock to make it interesting. Only Dennis Hopper can project a villain less sympathetically. James Woods or Jeremy Irons? You know the type.
Where is the REAL Jack Black? David Spade, Jay Baruchel, or Norm Macdonald might as well have voiced this cartoon panda with as vivaciously. The rest of the cast follow suit. Gone is any sense of play. The characters just plod along in the ruts left by countless re-tellings.
The one good line in the film indicates what's wrong - up and down the stairs every hero story follows - one step at a time, skipping few (there's no panda princess locked in the tower). It's just boring!
And then the ominous threat of another cliché-driven sequel tagged onto the end. I sincerely hope the franchise-holders reevaluate what they're doing, and resuscitate the life of the original, rather than clone another simulacrum to stagger blindly two hours.