Oh, boy.

Rating: 2/10 (12 March 2017)

I want to start off by saying that I am not going to sit here and pretend to be above wanting to see a 100-foot tall ape shred through some giant lizards and whatnot for around 2 hours.
If you were worried that Kong would wait 40 minutes to show the action only to cut-away when the fan makes contact with the feces, then you can put those worries to rest because this giant hairy grump is in your face right off the bat.
I could immediately tell that this film wasn't about to shy away from what we all craved so dearly in 2014's Godzilla, because from the first gunshot onward this script hauls some serious behind straight toward that colorful Skull Island which we were all so eager to see from the trailers.
Now, I have learned from a number of painful years that discipline is a key ingredient both behind the camera and beneath the projector. I like to think that my expectations were fair. I did not look at any reviews at any point before I hit that seat on that Thursday night - popcorn and drink in hand. I was ready, man.
If I told you that the neat visuals surrounding the lineup of lovecraftian nasties rendered into digital existence to confront the titular ape was enough to save this picture, then I would be lying straight to your face.
Yes, of course we get to see a glorious pair of giant angry ape fists make heavy and satisfying contact with: Some helicopters, a couple of lizards without legs (which is funny, because the T-Rexes in Peter Jackson's King Kong lacked arms), a giant squid because, you know, we needed 5 seconds of squid footage in the trailer I guess, more lizards, and a big lizard whose sole purpose in life is to rustle some serious jimmies.
But unfortunately, these scenes are sprinkled between around 2 hours of having the camera choppily bob and weave between two separate groups containing some of the most boring and uninteresting characters I have ever come to forget. There is a cardboard hero who is good at everything that the script needs him to be good at, a photographer who takes, like, pictures I guess, and John C. Reilly, who is arguably the closest this film gets to an interesting character.
And this is not because of the script. This is because he is John C. Reilly adding his own touch to the script he was given, like Gordon Ramsay doing his best after being handed a bag of plain rice and half of a dildo.
Everybody else is a nameless nothing that we get to see be picked off by giant insects in front of some of the worst green screen I have seen in some time. Good, lord. What time of day was it again? Because I swear to sweet baby Christ on a cracker that the sun set about six or seven different times in the same day.
The helicopter's encounter followed (after seemingly quite some time) by the final throw-down between Kong and captain ptorsodactyl mcwigglynoodle was what truly got me through the cringe-inducing humor and painfully humorous deaths.
This is one of those red-box gems that you'll have a better time with once there is a beer in your hand rather than a 7 dollar popcorn.
03/10