A hot mess of a movie

Rating: 3/10 (31 August 2015)

When I originally saw the ad for a new spy movie with Colin Firth, I was excited at the prospect of watching a new and witty franchise. How wrong I was.
This is just one of those movies that was churned out for young audiences without any care for quality or consistency. It's like the creators of this film looked up what was popular on netflix and jammed in all their favorite parts without caring about the plot. Watching this movie was a jarring experience, because there is no solid theme running throughout the film. You see a little Tarantino here and there, a lot of James bond, some Spy kids (remember that one) and a little taste of FX's Archer to finish things off. And worse of all, it really drags in the middle and focuses too much on a poorly scripted teen drama. Considering that we are watching a spy in training, you would expect to see some really cool stunt work and fun gadgets along the way. NOPE! Just some teen angst and some competitive exercises.
While I was disappointed to see that Colin Firth was just a supporting character, I was irritatingly bored with Taron Egerton's character Eggsy; just another bland and rebellious every-teen. He manages to crack a solid joke once in a while, but is never witty- although the movie tells us he is very witty.
I think one of the more annoying aspects of this movie is how often they break that fourth wall to tell you how good this movie is. Considering how badly this movie is written, I found this these constant winks towards the audience very obnoxious. "Don't you miss all those fun and witty spy movies?" "Don't you miss the classic villains?" Yes I do, but this movie isn't even close to delivering on any of these. So shut up and finish this crap! I could on and one about everything wrong with this movie, but I think that would require more effort than was put into the movie's writing. While the marketing deceived me into watching a movie aimed at teens, I know that movie companies see bad products as a one night stand. However, this leads me to my last and biggest problem with the movie. It is profoundly sexist, but is aimed at a teenage audience. What the hell? To be clear, the movie is not being ironically sexist to get some laughs- because that I could live with. No, this is the bad kind of sexism that is deeply ingrained in the story's plot to make the main (but incredibly bland) lead more interesting. First, the mother is a weak mess that requires rescuing from an abusive alcoholic. While Eggsy's father was an incredible war hero, the mother decided to marry a sleaze shortly after his passing. The movie never explains how the same woman can go from marrying a hero to a pathetic criminal- we just assume that a woman without a good man falls to pieces. Second, Eggsy's main rival in the spy training program is a girl, which you would think is progress. Again, nope! She can only succeed when Eggsy boosts her confidence. She completely lacks any sense of confidence without his support. Making matters worse, she is completely written out of the final act, even though she proves herself to be the best spy in the program! They literally attach a balloon to her back and send her off to the sky, while Eggsy takes on the bad guys. Finally, there is the now infamous anal scene. Again this is a scene that just does not fit, as the movie was never this raunchy and the humor was completely different. Its like the writers of Archer wondered in to the writing room and wrapped things up for them. Don't get me wrong, I love Archer as much as the next guy, but this was just so random. What made it worse is that Princess Tilde was the only world leader in the movie to stand up for her people. So to honor her courage, the movie has her drop her pants for the "hero" and offer her anus. If that sounds graphic, that is because that is how the scene plays. Hopefully I am fully conveying the movie's attitude towards women. While I want to dismiss this as just another piece of crappy film making, I am disturbed on why the creators thought the denigration of women was important in a movie for teens. Why is every woman in this movie have to be so weak? Some may accuse me of being overly PC. As a former football player and fratboy, I know I am not. I like raunchy comedies, violent movies, and sexy thrillers. But I don't like it when movie producers underestimate its audiences and dismiss their intelligence. Slapping a few jokes and some nudity to a bad movie does not "fix it". I am also not shy about calling out a movie's creators for perpetuating bad behavior. Real men do not need to tear down women to make themselves feel better. Sexism isn't cool or fun, and neither is this movie.