"Kick-Ass" or "How I came to love the Retard-Bomb"...

Rating: 3/10 (20 October 2010)

I occasionally throw myself into the realm of comic book inspired movies with lots of skepticism and vigorous hate towards plots that might entertain a ten year old, but when I see the main character almost defeated and beyond all expectations and subtlety a goddamn machine gun-rigged jet-pack growls in and saves the day, I tend to feel rather betrayed, as if a mentally ill child is trying to entertain me with almost impossible cliffhangers, only to preserve moral standards later with the power of MEGA Jesus! OK, in the beginning, the movie starts rather well; gritty and ALMOST real, I could feel a bit immersed as if it is really possible to be a superhero in real life and after a very ironic turn of events in which I giggled like a baby being stimulated by its' prostate, when the main character dressed like a superhero got stabbed the first damn second he decided to be Superman, the entire movie went downhill with the appearance of Nicolas Cage and his satanic little daughter that can surgically remove a baby from a mother's womb while skydiving. When you see such retardation, you immediately try to reconfigure your brain to accept that "Ok, this is a movie, it's supposed to be retarded, it's based on a F'ING AMERCIAN COMIC after all", but it won't work, because the movie just changes with no warning at all. It's like a hooker that almost gets you climax when suddenly she mentions that this would have never happened while she was still a MAN. It kind of cheats you out of what you expected to watch (that is, if you missed to see the semen-gobbling trailer...) and you end up with an entirely different movie, and you can no longer identify yourself in it, because all eleven year old girls that start a fight with a dozen mobsters in real life WILL GET GANGBANGED IN THE GODDAMN EYE SOCKETS! If you have a brain that is bypassed enough to be compatible with the "realism" in this movie, there still remains the issue with the plot development. I'm not going to comment on the action (if you can call it that), because action nowadays is all about one guy bum-raping an entire squadron of professional killers, while the camera floats around like it's on Ketamine or something, and the protagonist uses all sorts of amazing in-air techniques to reload his guns, molest bystanders and pick his nose while diving in the air. I'm sorry, Hollywood, but after Jackie Chan, you better start thinking of something else, something... I don't know... ORIGINAL!? So the plot, yes, if all else fails, let's just hope the plot stays solid, right? Well, to be perfectly honest, it almost put me to sleep, the only question I had in my mind, after I predicted the entire action sequence (except for the Gatling-gun jet-pack, god, how much Acid do you need to come up with that crap!?) and plot development, I only wondered if the evil mastermind's son, Red Mist, is going to be killed or not, and right before the end, I was certain he'd be left alive, because KILLING CHILDREN IS WRONG AND IT WON'T SELL! Yeah, but murdering hundreds of grown-ups that had families and lived long lives to get to that point, and probably are living a miserable existence having a lot to fight for are being SLICED BY AN EFFIN ELEVEN YEAR OLD. Sorry, but even though a lot of people recommended me this movie, I can only hate them for that and the bile that it spew all over my synapses will never be fixed and no amount of booze or weed will delete it. Next time when I see something with gay pride costumes, I'll pass it like an angry skinhead that thinks he's very tough, but won't dare touch his target minority because "he might get sewed..." :D Love, Sim