A stitched-together mess, yet somehow its detractors must surely be "paid off"

Rating: 3/10 (22 March 2019)

Initial previews for DC's Justice League would suggest that, while maintaining the murky swamp water aesthetic of Suicide Squad, the film seemed to opt for a lighter tone than 2016's hilariously serious Batman v Superman, which didn't make it seem refreshing so much as it seemed to be aping Marvel even harder than before.
And then, just to solidify that the DC Extended Universe is its own unique thing that takes zero cues from the Marvel franchise, director Zack Snyder let Avengers director Joss Whedon take over at virtually the last second, as reshoots were happening and someone cranked the color saturation to give the slightest impression that this grim-looking film is indeed a light-hearted teamwork story complete with a faceless alien horde to defeat. Oh and there are post-credit scenes now!
Of course, the main differentiation from Marvel is that, whereas The Avengers finally united our favorite heroes from past adventures, this one is a union between our favorite DCEU cameos, some surly bat, and Wonder Woman. We meet Bruce Wayne/Batman (Ben Affleck), the caped billionaire tech genius who unites the team; Barry Allen/The Flash (Ezra Miller), the super-fast youngster; Aquaman (Jason Momoa), the Atlantean trident-wielder; Cyborg (Ray Fisher), the cyborg; and Diana Prince/Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot), the Amazonian demigoddess. There's also Amy Adams' Lois Lane because where would these saps be without her?
Superman also returns (no longer shunned), back from his death at the hands of Doomsday in the last film, and as a testament to the quantity of hoot given by all parties involved: Henry Cavill didn't want to shave his moustache for the Whedon reshoots, hence it had to be erased digitally in post, as even the biggest newbie when it comes to spotting CGI will notice. Note: in the age of online hype and clickbait, this is hardly a spoiler. I shan't apologize.
Our villain is the enraged Steppenwolf (CiriÃ¡n Hinds), who once before descended to Earth with hopes to recreate it through the use of so-called Mother Boxes, only to be overcome by the Atlanteans, Wonder Women and Green Lanterns of the era (all this is explained in an expository scene that doesn't remotely resemble Lord of the Rings). He is also connected to a future, even greater villain named Darkseid, in that he is the latter's uncle. It's always funny when dark alien overlords have perfectly conventional familial relationships and related terms. Uncle Steppenwolf is coming over, darling!
I am being harsh but I did appreciate some things: the casting of J.K. Simmons as the new Commissioner Gordon was welcome and Jeremy Irons still delivers one of the more interesting renditions of Alfred in Batman movie history. There exist true moments of chemistry between our heroes as well, certain characters are still likeable (e.g. Flash and Wonder Woman), composer Danny Elfman brings something sweet to the table, and in true Zack Snyder fashion, slow-motion is never used as shoddily as it could have been.
Still, the fact that this is a re-shot and carelessly stitched-together piece of work is all too apparent. I wasn't too comforted by the visual effects or action scenes either; it's the usual PS4 gameplay footage posing as live-action cinema. With actors who wouldn't shave, directors being switched out at bad times, and editing that doesn't allow for the best of flow, the circumstances were just too unkind for Justice League.
Is there yet hope for the Extended Universe? Well, some critics actually do see promise for the future, welcome the brief runtime of what could have been a truly tedious origin story, and are happy about the decreased self-seriousness of it all (even if such scenes still remain, as when the opening sequence compares humanity's grief over Superman to Prince, Bowie and Leonard Cohen). If they recover from the underwhelming box office numbers, DC might just get a new chance. So say the reviews I have thus far read and so it may be.
But sure, the critics are still being paid off by Marvel to write deliberately biased reviews and make DC look inferior. That's why it is Warner Bros. that partially owns Rotten Tomatoes and not Disney, right? That's why even people like me, who don't get paid for doing this and just enjoy writing film reviews, also agree that these are poorly planned and (usually) incompetent movies, right? Feel free to hit me up.