Jurassic Cliché

Rating: 2/10 (22 July 2015)

Why on earth is this stupid park still open?! Just shows - people never learn. Especially when it comes to whether or not to make another movie. Here, I'll answer that because I'm feeling so nice - NO!
The only good thing about the movie was the music. Congrats Michael and John. You saved this review from getting a 1.
That and Chris Pratt's gorgeous face were the only things keeping me from walking out of the cinema right there and then. And the knowledge that I paid fifteen whole dollars to get in.
I could've bought a book with that money...
Oh, you want me to tell you what's wrong with it? Hah, I can't even remember anymore, that movie stayed for one angry day in my memory and then it was gone. The garbage truck came and carried it away. But let me try and recall a few
Number one of things that annoyed me: the graphics. The film makers forgot that we're living in the twenty-first century. Obviously. It was so bad that, instead of gaping in awe at the non-existent, breath-catching graphics, I spent the whole time wondering which dinosaurs were made of plastic and which ones were little men in green suits. I couldn't stop imagining two dudes sitting on top of each other making raptor sounds. Still brings tears of laughter to my eyes.
Number two of what-the-heck-was-this-garbage: the characters. Did the writers not put any effort into their background? Their personalities? Their wants and goals? Wait, I can answer that - NO. Cliché family with cliché problems, cliché older, obnoxious brother, cliché, faraway relative that the kids are shipped off to who, cliché, is totally into their work and doesn't look after them.
Guess what type of character Chris Pratt played.
SPOILER!! He was cliché. Big surprise there. That one dude who's all rogue and sexy, spends his whole time trying to kiss the unemotional, uncaring, uninteresting girl.
SPOILER!! They get together in the end.
Okay, there's one scene that I can't get out of my head - even the trash man couldn't take it out - because it's just so bloody annoying. The kids go missing - duh - and the uninteresting, workaholic girl and sexy-rogue Chris Pratt go on a daring mission to find them. (Let me just point out that she was in a white dress and high heels the whole time). Anyway, they come across this field of dead Brachiosaurus (I had to look that up on google. The movie didn't even teach me that), and there's one lying on the ground twitching its very plastic head up and down. I had to laugh it looked so robotic. Again, all I could think about was some dude hiding behind it, like, moving it around.
So they kneel down next to it and START STROKING ITS HEAD. What. The. Heck. YOUR NEPHEWS ARE OUT THERE IN THE PARK ALONE AND PROBABLY RIGHT NOW GETTING EATEN AND YOU'RE CRYING OVER SOME DINO?! Take into account that she is uncaring, unemotional and completely unsympathetic.
But - you might say - that's character development! No. No that is not. That is the writers creating such shallow and unsustainable characters that they forgot the only trait that stupid woman had in the first place.
If I listed everything that I hated about this movie I'd have to describe every second. Now, at this point, I'd say - well, how 'bout I write about the things I actually did like.
Chris Pratt. The music.
That's it.
So, when do you think Jurassic Park 6 is coming out? I've already got a title – Jurassic Universe. Can't wait to write the review for that