You don't need talent, you just need crayons and a PR dept. Hurrah for crayons.

Rating: 1/10 (8 July 2015)

I'd like to start by saying, "I wouldn't wipe my @rse with this dross"
It might have got a slightly higher mark if not for the unbelievable amount of hype that went into this undeserving nonsense but I don't think IMDb accommodates decimal points.
I tried to disengage brain to watch this and was kind of suspecting what I was letting myself in for but even I couldn't predict this 'talent aneurysm', with a 'fraudulentasaurus', as the bad guy; a creepy, cholesterol-ridden fat guy, as the 'Andy Syrkis' bad guy; a bunch of Raptors, as conflicted '3 stooges' bad guys; and the guy who's cultured his voice to sound like an evil George Takei, bad guy. I am stunned that this even got close to passing concept discussions let alone released.
That said, it was and I would have loved it if they included in the film the boardroom discussion that would have had to have taken place to allow this farcical park, with its farcical assets, to be funded. I think it would go something like this:
"So we've brought back dinosaurs but boy have they gone stale quickly (really?). Tell you what, how about we splice a 'whateversaurus' with a Bundy or some such? Because if we splice a dinosaur that can identify heat-signatures, camouflage itself and give it sociopath tendencies just think how cool everyone will think it is? The attendances will go through the roof"
"Sure that sounds all very cool, from a moron's perspective, but the tourists aren't going to observe the heat-signature mod, are almost totally unlikely to observe the camouflage mod and as for the sociopath touch - what the hell are doing now!!! All these will have no effect on attendances because if our tourists are bored of dinosaurs in a dinosaur park then, firstly, I'd like my salary paid weekly and secondly, making a super dinosaur, that doesn't look like a transformer but a dinosaur will have no effect on income. All you're doing is going 'full retard' on a 'whateversaurus', whose advantages will only be of use if it escapes and does one on the general population.
PAUSE
"You're just not a team player, are you Hopkins? You just don't get it do you? We're coming up with all these super-hot ideas and you're just raining on our creative sunshine"
PAUSE
"Good luck in the court case for corporate negligence, you 'tards'. Better buy a lot of crayons"
And we're back in the room.
They make a sociopath 'whateversaurus', really? Really? Who, by the way is a genius, which is used to explain-away the fact that it removes its tracking device. Nope it simply uses its fantastically appropriate arms to claw it out....wait, it seduces a franchise stand worker, who takes an evening course in tracking devices, graduates and removes tracking device....wait....... It's the equivalent of a baby having a sharp pointy thing pierce its arm, something being pushed into its arm, as its arm feels the pressure building up and somehow knows that it's just been given a Polio jab. This is one smart 'whateversaurus', impossibly smart. It also has its own instinctive language, which is even more absurd and I'm not going into.
Aside from this, Chris Pratt is training the new stooges. For what? Well for the 3 Stooges reboot of course, either that or some new boy-band act. What the hell was the point of all that training?
You also have Bryce Howard, who's character's only claim in this is the over publicised point that she spends the entire movie in high heels.
That and the incredible chemistry her and Chris Pratt's characters share. Characterised in a nut shell by:
"We use to date. Right?"
"Yep."
"Cool."
Then you have my favourite character, 'The Preciousssss'. Who the hell is this guy and why is he even let past security? Or is he the guy that they spliced the 'whateversaurus' with? Every avenue of this preposterous character is so WTF, that he detracts massively from the very credibility of an already shocking film.
Long story short the last 10 minutes is the funniest part of the film. Yep, I said funny. I couldn't hold it in any longer. It's so cheesy, so cheap, so Rockyesque and so far beyond the pale of huh?! that I wasn't a hundred percent sure that the T Rex wasn't going to master the power of speech and shout "Yo Adrian, I did it".
Finally, at the very end of this 'talent aneurysm' the T Rex could have and should have adopted Sloth's voice, from the Goonies and shouted, "HAY YOU GUYS". It would have held the context to a far more apt degree than the roar. Can you believe these guys actually made fun of themselves in this film as if to say to the audience, "Yeah we can do comedy". No sh@@ Sherlock.
Yep this film is bad. Bad, bad, bad. This is a pathetic premise, an abysmal storyline, a preposterous screenplay and script, followed, to a greater or lesser degree, by a poor casting of actors who I'm not sure are capable of playing anyone but themselves. Which makes me consider whether or not acting is done and that it's all in the casting, or miscasting as is possible in this case. It's hard to tell because there are no good points to give scale.
Anyone, who isn't a stooge, who actually thinks this is even watchable is a symptom of the endemic cultural decay of this back-water planet. A decay which is far reaching and goes far beyond the tolerance of a crud film but the acceptance of the retardation of a planetary culture, giving way to stagnation, cattle-like mentality and eventual drone demise.