There were dinosaurs. And they were awesome.

Rating: 8/10 (6 March 2016)

So some stuff happened and then there was some screaming and there was some plot or something and then THERE WERE DINOSAURS AND THEY WERE AWESOME.
End of review.
Okay, okay, fine, that's not an actual movie review. I know. But it basically sums up the entire zeitgeist of the film. It's a madcap romp (stomp? Trample? Whatever the dinosaurs do) through the entire island-turned-theme-park, letting in surprisingly astute glimmers of what an actual dinosaur theme park would be like in the 21st century. The director was fully aware of the fact that he'd been handed a film that was the equivalent of being asked to raise a baby raptor with dollar signs tattooed to its torso. Thus the first moments of the film are slow and pondering – a languorous long take of that baby raptor poking its nose (beak? Snout? Body part with all the teeth?) out of its egg. Pure. Innocent. A meditative moment on birth and life (however unnatural), as Ian Malcolm put so elegantly in the first movie, finding its way.
The juxtaposition between this slow moment and the next two hours is significant and jarring. The next few scenes depict two children departing for the fully opened theme park where the T-Rex can be sponsored by Verizon and product placement is both blatant and seamlessly integrated into the teeming corporate mass organism that is the modern American theme park. People are getting comfortable around these prehistoric monsters. By the time we see that baby raptor again, she's fully grown and fully commercialized as a potential army tool, with Chris Pratt as her beleaguered Alpha trainer (as Indiana-Jones esque Owen Grady with slightly less humour and charm. Much as it pains me to say, they really wasted the opportunity to fully utilize a lead who could be both the All-American square jawed hero AND a witty self-aware comedian with the great timing Pratt has shown on other mediums such as Parks and Recreation).
Commercialization of nature and science, and the aftershocks thereof, are best personified in the character of Claire (played convincingly by Bryce Dallas Howard). The secret star of the film, her character undergoes the largest arch – from uptight corporate clone to fully fleshed out human being who realizes a) nature is mightier than the geneticist, b) her sexuality, c) her relationship with her family, d) that she can indeed be brave and get a T-REX to intentionally chase her in the name of self-sacrifice for the people she had little to no interest in at the start of the film (namely Grady and her nephews).
Naturally at the end, Claire and Owen walk off together into the sunset (literally. They literally walk into the sunset. I did not say this movie was very subtle.), and the dinosaurs once more have free reign over Isla Nublar, setting up the next sequel. Yet, none of this feels overly contrived. Because the movie simply embraces what it is, which is an enthusiastic romp with the prehistoric creatures humans have always been fascinated by, with occasional drips of snarky self-aware commercialization and capitalism questions, there is no part of the film that feels like it wants to do more than earnestly entertain you and maybe sprinkle in some information if you want it, Mr. DNA style. And entertain it does.
Favourite moments? When Claire pets a brontosaurus and realizes the full living majesty of dinosaurs. When Indominous Rex communicates in raptor-speak to her raptor cousins. Any moment where the Mosasaur is on screen. Any moment where the T-Rex is on screen, heroically saving the day by fighting its genetically modified rival for human attention. Any moment where any dinosaur is on screen ever. Dinosaurs are inherently amazing reminders that humanity has not always been the dominant species and that once this planet was Planet of the (terrifying prehistoric) Birds. They are large and loud and beautifully rendered for our imaginations here on screen.
Basically, there were dinosaurs. And they were awesome.
End of review.
TL,DR: Dinosaurs.