Joke Bait and Nostalgia

Rating: 6/10 (18 June 2015)

Starbucks Presents: Jurrasic World: A Pandora Presentstion. Spielberg has gotten a hold of Chris Pratt's "All The Harrison Ford Roles" reel (the Solo vest, the close calls with closing gates...)and helped some guys splice it with dinosaurs to make a movie. At least, I think it was a dinosaur movie... it might have been a movie about family... or brotherhood... or militarization... or god complexes... or hubris... or relationships... or dinosaurs. Dinosaurs. They were the villains... or maybe the villains were the military guys... or the science guys... or the humans in general... or the adonimous rex... or the raptors... I dunno, but I'm pretty sure the T Rex was the protagonist. Bold move not introducing the protag until the third act. In a film that was basically "cinemasins" bait, prepare for unexplained explosions and plot developments that somehow don't develop the plot (like... why did it matter about it being part raptor? Why was that a big reveal). On an island in south America, run by a middle eastern guy, everyone working and visiting will be white and American. Watch one woman shoot and kill a dino eating a man and immediately hear "wow, your boyfriend is badass." But don't worry, feminists, she'll outrun a T Rex in high heels later. (Yeah. Get in real tight on those high heels). Watch as Chris Pratt's "funny bumbling dude" persona is stripped from him and handed to Jake Johnson and replaced with a fake tan and an ability to emote using only his eyelids. Enjoy the nostalgia like the original DNA animation, the ageless scientist, and the entire park from the first movie which has just been left there to rot for some reason. Revel in fear at the ADONOMOUS REX, a dino with so many undefined powers, it even manages to change it's scale throughout the movie. Then sit and reflect that you just contributed 20 bucks to that movie's gross and notice the blatant sequel set ups. *sigh* where's Goldbloom when you need him? ("We're not making the same mistakes" "uhhh no. You're making all new ones"). ... seriously there is too much to say. That was just so terrible...