So dumb. So awesome.

Rating: 7/10 (12 June 2015)

If I were to tell you the dubious sequence of sheer unlikely happenstance that leads to, well, the whole plot of JURASSIC WORLD, you would shake your head in abject wonder. Wonder at the downright ballsiness of the writers who decided to make coincidence their bitch throughout proceedings. Wonder at the director who pondered the laws of random chance and decided statistical anomalies happen all the damn time, not to mention consecutively and to the very same people. And then you would stop shaking your head, and simply begin to wonder: why don't I care?
After which, since I am certain you have seen the first movie, along with possibly one or both of the earlier sequels (the second being the slightly lesser of two evils, but only in the same way that Kourtney is less insufferable than Kim), you would doubtless realize why it is that all the shoddy plot-devicing, lame expositioning and cynical jump-scaring does not matter a jot. Because the first JURASSIC PARK was also full of shameless flukes and incongruous twists of fate, but you, me, we all loved it anyway. Because: DINOSAURS.
And here, woah are there dinosaurs. There are dinosaurs of so many shapes, sizes and varieties that they had to make up a whole new kind of one just to keep things interesting, because people apparently suck and somehow dinosaurs being ALIVE and IN ARMS REACH can get so very dull after a while. See, the folks at InGen, the company founded by the late demented, er, lamented impresario John Hammond have somehow recovered from no less than three deadly dino-rampages across a couple of decades – not to mention the pterodactyls that remained at large in San Diego at the end of III – and have built themselves a theme park the likes of which crazy old' Hammond could only have dreamed. Twenty thousand visitors a day, we are told not infrequently, now visit this exotic CGI wonderland on the ill-fated Isla Nublar in order to be dazzled by formerly extinct life- forms both docile and dangerous -- because, yeah, obviously. There are DINOSAURS there. No one is going to worry about that one time Newman from SEINFELD got killed when you can go hang with a Stegosaurus and be all like, whatever man.
Overseeing all of this marvel and majesty is Claire (the preternaturally beautiful Bryce Dallas Howard), a woman who has time to painstakingly maintain a shiny blowout in South American humidity but not to take personal charge of the nephews she hasn't seen in seven years. These nephews have been sent thither because there is Trouble at Home – of which we are told but honestly DO NOT CARE and why this is even a thing we are told WE DO NOT KNOW – but Claire is far too busy getting Verizon to sponsor an exhibit (hello, one of many product placements!) and engaging in a love-hate romance with heroic raptor trainer Owen (an even-buffer-than-GUARDIANS Chris Pratt) to escort them around the park. Too busy, that is, until a convoluted and bordering on impossible string of nonsense conspires to see the boys – the older of whom is Ryder from MELISSA AND JOEY, and no, you may not mock me for knowing that – lost in the rain-forest with, and you won't even believe this, a killer dinosaur on the loose.
The killer dinosaur on the loose part is actually good news for Ryder from MELISSA AND JOEY, because it is one of the few times he notices he's on an island full of dinosaurs. See, he's a disaffected teenager with Beats by Dre headphones and an eye to the cuties, so Triceratops rides and baby dino petting zoos are kids' stuff, yo. He's all about the hardcore adventuring, like recklessly taking his dinosaur-obsessed little brother deep into a restricted zone in a personal gyroscope that I hope is a real thing, and thence almost getting killed by, and you won't even believe this, a killer dinosaur on the loose.
So it is up to the sparky Claire and Owen to save the boys, and also try, and you won't even believe this, to stop that killer dinosaur on the loose from killing everyone on the damn island. All the usual suspects are present and accounted for: there's a mad scientist, a mad billionaire and a mad weapons dealer (the always excellent Vincent d'Onofrio, in a very strange choice of role). There is also a somewhat mad but lovable system tech (NEW GIRL's Jake Johnson) who is the funniest thing in the film by far, since Pratt plays his action hero lead almost entirely straight—and, somehow, with a straight face. "THAT is no dinosaur!" he pronounces sternly at one point. Riiight.
But it is actually the dinosaurs who do most of the heavy lifting in this movie, and it is for them that you really need to see it. Because you know what the other movies in this franchise were always missing? Giant dinosaur death matches! And, much like TRANSFORMERS – giant robots vs. giant robots! – and PACIFIC RIM – giant robots vs. giant monsters! – it is this spectacle that makes all the wackiness here worthwhile.
There are several reasons to see this movie. Nostalgia is definitely a factor, as is the cast, as are the stunning visual effects up to and including the kick-est-ass dinosaurs you have ever seen on screen. The only real reason not to see it is that it has so many story problems it would make a daytime soap writer working on this month's seventh amnesia plot line grimace incredulously. But really, if you like dinosaurs, and if unconscionable acts of improbable concurrence aren't a deal-breaker for you, then I'm betting you'll find JURASSIC WORLD and its killer dinosaurs on the loose so much fun you won't even believe it.