Jurassic World "Rant-View:" Or How "Blue the Velociraptor" is the love interest Christ Pratt deserves

Rating: 3/10 (16 September 2017)

When talking to friends and family about this film I always referred to it as Jurassic Park, because it always looked like a facsimile of the 1993 film. It seemed like they took every touch point from the 1993 film & copied it over to Jurassic World. One of the first shots in JW is that of a complete flyover of the park from the famous Jurassic Park gates, accompanied by the legendary John Williams' theme swelling in the background. In the 1993 film, this was a stirring moment, we were entering the park for the first time, we had no clue as to what was behind those gates, or the chaos those gates were holding back. The gates symbolizing the latch on Pandora's Box. In JW, we get the EXACT SHOT with identical musical cues. Yet the scene has no more than 1/10 of the impact it did in 1993. We know what's going to happen in JW, the awe is gone.
The only facet of JW that improves on JP is the special effects. The visual effects and sets are impressive. The dinosaurs & the actual Jurassic World park look spectacular! At this point, you're probably wondering "What else matters?!" Well a lot actually. Especially when all of your human characters are less fleshed out than the dinosaurs. One of the many elements that made JP such a classic was its human characters. Each character was developed & felt like a three dimensional person. Even side characters, Samuel Jackson's technician & Wayne Knight's two-bit villain all have character motivations that make their character choices understandable.
In JW not one human character is developed in any meaningful way. Our main hero, Pratt's Owen, is a former Navy Seal & a now dinosaur trainer (these scenes would be "side-splitting" hilarious if it weren't for the dialogue), period. That's it. We know nothing else about him. Other than him & our heroine, Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), went on an ill-fated first date. When all hell breaks loose in Jurassic World, Claire goes to Owen to save her nephews solely because he's been designated "hero man" by the film's script.
Let's now segue into JW's child characters, Zach & Gray. Zach & Gray are Claire's nephews. Zach is generic teenager #3 & Grey is generic kid who loves dinosaurs. These two serve no purpose other than being a reason for Owen and Claire to venture into Jurassic World. Every scene these two characters share makes absolutely no sense. They're there to be our virgin eyes into Jurassic World, showing us the park for the first time. Except we've been here before. Jurassic Park already explored the splendors of the dinosaur theme park. It's the equivalent of a friend telling you about the first season of your favorite TV show, which you've watched all 10 seasons of and know the dialogue inside & out. You're essentially being forced to consume something you've already digested.
To say the script is garbage would be generous. The most worthy belongs to Vincent D'Onofrio's Vic wanting to use the Velociraptors as modern infantry. Claiming Velociraptors can't be bartered, hacked, or deterred in their pursuit of their prey. Hence, they are the perfect soldier. Pratt's Owen argues with Vic numerous times over this until the story calls for the (in)famous "Pratt riding a motorcycle with a pack of Velociraptors" shot, then Pratt's character does a complete 180° on the issue, which ultimately fails. I'd go into more detail, but that's spoiler territory.
The best characters of JW are the dinosaurs. Not only because you have empathy for them, but because they are the only characters that are fun. Pratt's four Velociraptors are fun because they each have a name & distinct character traits. "Blue," the leader, & the others follow her lead. Blue plays a critical role in the whole film, especially the climax. Pratt & Blue have more chemistry than any other two character in the film. It can be argued Blue is Pratt's true love interest, in lieu of Claire.
But what are our heroes, unless they have a worthy foe? The "big bad" of JW is Indominus Rex, the first intentionally homicidal animal in a modern blockbuster. You could look at Indominus as the dinosaur version of Jason Voorhees. Indominus kills anything in its path simply because it's "bad." Another baffling decision made by the script. Indominus is eventually taken down by Pratt & his gang of misfits. The climax (one of the few bright spots of the film) is so over-the-top, it will be nearly impossible for the inevitable sequel to top.
To call this film flawed is kind. I love cheesy movies. I love bad movies. There's a charm to something that goes so hilariously "off-the-rails." Yet Jurassic World is not an example of this. Halfway through Jurassic World's 124 minute runtime, I was pretty sure I lost my mind. At numerous points, I could not believe what I was watching was actually greenlit by a multi-billion dollar corporation. Never mind the record breaking box office and audience acclaim it's garnering. If you're still reading this (bless you!) I implore you not to see this movie. I don't even mean at the movie theater, but in general. Go watch Jurassic Park if you're inclined to see Jurassic World. Seen Jurassic Park already? Watch it again! There's nothing Jurassic World can give you that an umpteenth viewing of Jurassic Park can't.