Putrid, soulless, and devastating, Jurassic World is the worst that cinema has to offer

Rating: 1/10 (29 June 2015)

There is one scene that I believe sums up this hellish, putrid excuse for a film. A woman, with little or no plot significance, is mauled by a pterodactyl. Then, as if that wasn't enough, she is picked up, screaming, by the pterodactyl who lifts her extremely high before dropping her. As she plummets, another pterodactyl catches her and carries her over a small body of water before dropping her. They proceed to drown her, pushing her screaming body back in every time she resurfaces. Then, completing the horrifying mayhem of this three-or- so minute long scene, a massive, sea dwelling creature bursts out of the water, catching the woman and her assailant in its massive jaws. It then wrenches them shut, and falls back into the water.
And we, as an audience, should be vomiting at this point.
What did the woman do to deserve this? Did she have a moral failing or some sort? Was she evil? No. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And by that, I mean she was in this limp, horrifying "film" so called Jurassic World.
Oops. I meant Jurassic Worst.
Jurassic Worst is a nasty, cruel, poor, ninety-fifth rate, shoddy, miserable, careless, amateurish, slow, lousy, crummy, rotten, destructive, delirious, atrocious, unacceptable, execrable, black- hearted, worthless, crooked, dirty, godawful, and entirely unpleasant two hours of canned drama and worthless, repetitive dinosaur rampages. The entire movie, fraught with average performances and dull humour, left me feeling heartbroken at the horrifying waste of time I had unwillingly experienced.
Here is the plot summary in a nutshell: Jurassic Worst, a theme park, needs a new attraction. They build a dinosaur that is pretty dangerous. That dinosaur breaks out and wreaks havoc, until it is beaten up by a T. Rex, and subsequently eaten by another dinosaur. Oops. Spoiler.
There is nothing visually striking about this film. Much of the visuals are even slightly disappointing. You would expect the park to be a fancy, futuristic place. However, it is rather small, and completely lackluster, despite the occasional holographic dinosaur. In fact, we barely see the park, exposed instead to its even more boring inner workings, which are basically dinosaur pens, a control room, and Chris Pratt's shack.
Now we get to the characters. There are two main children in this film, brothers who come to the park to visit their aunt. The younger brother is an annoying know-it-all, constantly spouting facts or running around impatiently, giving him a painful association with a mosquito constantly on the move for a new host. The older brother is a good actor, but his performance is hampered by his character's inconsistency, and his tendency to stare at pretty girls while not saying anything even though he has a girlfriend at home. Their aunt, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, is a nitpicky, red-haired administrator of some sort, who, while striving to the best of her abilities, is extremely boring to watch, her lines being canned and slow. Chris Pratt's inherent charisma sadly comes off as cockiness as he struts around, doing little other than admiring his raptors, fixing cars, and being the great American hero that the script gives him no right to be. All the characters are extremely one- dimensional, showing little change throughout the movie. So even before the action begins, it takes a considerable effort to get into this movie.
And then, as it had begun to seem like it never would, the action begins. I hoped that I would be able to sit back and relax, but I constantly found myself either disgusted or sighing at the lifeless attempt at character drama. The film would constantly use the same shot to create intensity. Someone would be hiding behind something, then a massive pair of teeth would come up close to them, and then, the teeth would leave, either for good, or to return two seconds later through a wall. The second time onward, it completely lost its effect. The film was not intense (except for one shot that was pretty solid, but this counts as a small gold nugget in a mountain of trash), and suffered from a severe lack of sense and morality. Crowds of innocent people simply enjoying their day are murdered or beaten up by careless animals, diving in on people in a vile feeding frenzy. And no one seemed to care.
It is hard to root for anyone in this film, even Chris Pratt. The kids are either annoying or flaky. Howard runs around in heels for the entire movie. Chris Pratt is cocky. The stereotypical nerd character is self-entitled and careless. The boss of the park is an absolute idiot (he was great in The Lunchbox, though). The bad guys are, well, bad. And the raptors that are supposed to help Chris Pratt are super unstable, sometimes killing people, and sometimes doing what is right. Literally, the only thing in the whole movie that is possible to root for is the T. Rex, who gets barely any screen time.
The deaths are ridiculous and indiscriminate, each one more horrifying and immoral than the one that came before. I know that it is more "realistic" to have everyone die, rather than just the bad people, but Jurassic Worst was not made to be realistic. It's a stupid dinosaur movie, for goodness' sake!
Walking out of the theatre, I felt sick and sad. I had wasted two hours watching a limp, soulless massacre, made complete by the torture and murder of an innocent woman. If this is what cinema is going to become, if this is what we flock in droves to see, if this is all I can expect from Hollywood, then I refuse to take part in it.
I'm not going to understate it. Jurassic Worst is heartbreakingly awful.