Should be called Mayhem & Destruction: The Movie

Rating: 5/10 (11 June 2015)

That's pretty much what this movie is about, after all: dinosaurs destroying s'hit. The story is very simple: a new gigantic theme park is opened, where people can view dinosaurs up close. All is well until a dinosaur seemingly escapes and things then get more and more out of control. Owen claims dinosaurs must be taken well care of, but Hoskins think they are useful as military weapons. We also have other characters: Gray and Zach, two brothers who are supposed to go with their aunt Claire (who can't since she's running the park). Dr. Henry Wo returns from the first Jurassic Park movie. Omar Sy plays a guy named Barry.
Okay, I think that's about enough. The acting wasn't exactly at top. Chris Pratt, who was surprisingly good in Guardians Of The Galaxy, just felt out-of-place here. He doesn't convey emotions well and overall just seemed wooden. Bryce Dallas Howard was... not that good. Except for when she was screaming, she just delivered her lines the most awkward way possible and it sometimes even became really distracting. Ty Simpkins as Gray is pretty good. He was incredible in Insidious and is one of the few good actors in this movie. Nick Robinson as Zach is... all right. Nothing special. Vincent D'Onofrio was kinda bad, but I think that could have something to do with the stupid character and the stupid lines he was given. When I think about it, the only REALLY good actor in this was B.D. Wong. He did a bang-on job and is awesome in pretty much everything I've seen him in.
The worst thing about this movie is the dialogue. The humor is hit-and-miss, sometimes it works sometimes it's just forced. But the cheesiness... Jesus Christ. If I were to count up all the clichéd lines in this movie, two hands wouldn't be enough for writing it down. It's all the s'hit you've heard a billion times and there is one moment particularly which bothered me: when Grey and Zach climbs up on land, lucky to be alive, Zach with a smiling face says to his brother "You jumped!" and the both of them are suddenly full of joy. In a situation like this, a line like "Damn, we nearly lost our lives there!" would have been far more appropriate since... let's face it. There was no guaranteeing they would've survived that fall. So when they still are in danger, what the hell is there to smile about? Cheesy bits like this just grind my gears. Even worse was the divorce line. Why would I give a crap if the kids' parents are getting divorced or not? It does not affect the movie in any way and felt like a very lazy way to make us connect with Grey.
The CGI was actually decent. Nowhere near as impressive as the practical effects used in Spielberg's installments, but as good as it gets. Of course, it could have been improved in a couple of places. The actual Tyrannosaurus Rex itself could have needed some major improvement. I'll say this though: it's a whole lot better than the shi'tty CGI used for the orcs in the Hobbit movies. Have you seen how terrible they look there?
The music was okay, but I wish John Williams had scored it.
While this movie is mostly only meant to be a fun action ride, there's one major problem I just can't accept: the resolution. So let me get this straight: Owen seriously manages to instruct a dinosaur and other dinosaurs to attack Tyrannosaurus Rex. Hell, not only that, but one of them even nods at him! F'ucking bulls'hit. And worst of all, Tyrannosaurus Rex, the biggest f'ucking dinosaur ever, feels defeated by one little harmless dino kid waaaaaaay smaller than him. WHAT?! It even goes "Fine, I give up! Stubborn, aren't you?" and walks away. Not literally, but figuratively it does. I mean, what the f'uck? IT'S TYRANNOSAURUS REX, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! If anything, it should have been able to crush its f'ucking skull! I mean, the others are barely even suffering from any wounds, even though it's pretty much one of the deadliest creatures ever. Just ridiculous.
Then, the movie ends with a dinosaur standing on a platform and roaring into the mid-air, 'cause... I don't know. They just couldn't think of a better ending.
Overall, this movie only works as a mindless popcorn ride. You can just sit back and watch all the blurry action sequences (for once I just wish the camera could be focused enough so the audience can see what the hell is going on) and make fun of the laughable dialogue and visually idiotic sequences. Don't expect much and you won't feel like you just watched the worst movie of your life. However, that still doesn't excuse how boring of a movie this is. I'd advice you to not waste any cash on this flick unless you want to feel like time was well spent.
Going to the actual theme park itself is probably more interesting ;)