The Least Brainless of the Three Jurassic Movies

Rating: Null/10 (15 August 2004)

But as my brother said, that is like saying Moe is the smartest of the three stooges.
The dinosaurs are a fun watch, but the human behavior (from "dinosaur experts no less") is juvenile. And less than half of the movie has dinosaurs in it.
No professional on a subject would react like Neill and Dern did when they see the ill triceratops. "Aw, hey, baby girl" and petting it. It's absurd to think that a non-domestic animal or creature will be won over with hand pats. Go find a raccoon and pet it, going 'aw, baby'. Surprise!
So once we actually get dinosaurs in this thing, what happens? Let's look at things in order.
Now I suppose the girl may have been distraught at the lawyer fellow leaving her and her brother in the jeep, but suddenly she loses all her precocious wisdom and intelligence because there is no adult to supervise her?
Upon the arrival of the tyrannosaur, all that book-learning the kids had went out the friggin' window. Let's get the flashlight and turn it on!
In fact, had Sissy NOT done this, there would have been no story. Everything was hinged on her foolish actions.
Junior would slam the door. Another stupid act. These kids were winners. Wonder what kids who say "my grandaddy is the owner of the park" are like? We saw them right here.
I guess Missy thought Rex was disrespectful of her vegetarianism because it ate the goat. Ah, she can go complain to ACLU.
So what happens next? Sissy screams at Rex. Brave little girl.
When Missy and Neill make their way down the wall, she is still whining about the toilet man leaving her and Bubba in the jeep. She must have really felt betrayed, but what did she expect him to do against Rex? File a restraining order if Rex invaded their private space?
Then we get Neill and Junior running and climbing down the tree getting away from the jeep, which is caught on branches and slowly coming after them.
As I watched this all progress, I sighed. Okay, where are the DINOSAURS!!!!
I didn't want to watch a movie called "Attack of the Jeep In A Tree".
Attenborough's scream into the telephone, Dern's cry to run. Was this supposed to be emotion?
We would get more faux suspense with the power lines. Will Bubba get off the line in time? Bubba! Bubba!
Where are the DINOSAURS?
Then we would have Dern and the diabolical flashlight tied around her ankle.
I felt the movie only picked up when the kids were in the dining room and running in the kitchen, but by then it was like an entirely different movie.
The bit with Rex chasing the jeep was fun as well, but when this movie was bad, it was really bad.
Looking back ten years now, I recall the hype over the vibrating water in the glass and the puddle. It was like anticipation was wanted out of the most minute situations.
I'm watching it as I type this and there is just too many hammy things in it, for some reason mostly around Dern and Goldblum. Pity he wasn't eaten by a thunder lizard.
Every time he offered his opinion, it was incredibly annoying. Eww eww, dino doo.
It will go down as just one more good idea executed badly. It needed more human input than what it offered. I kept thinking how cool it would have been had the kitchen help been in there with those velosis guys. I wonder if Shelley Winters was available?