"You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you knew what you had you patented it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox"

Rating: 4/10 (31 July 2000)

Okay, it's a nice, knowing reference, but the sole one amongst the mire. Jurassic Park was, at least until the advent of Independence Day and Godzilla, a new low in brain-dead popcorn fodder. I really, really cannot stand this film. Appallingly patronising to its audience, it expects nothing from them and offers them nothing in return.
WARNING: THE REST OF THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SLIGHT SPOILERS
The cast's roles are built up with the most cursory of characteristics. Witness how Sam Neill's Dr. Grant starts the story not wanting children, yet spends the whole film in their company, thus undergoing a typical "learning process". Plot points are given unsubtly for future reference in the film, such as the attack patterns of the velociraptors. (I wonder, do you think they WILL attack someone like that before the end?) "I'm not a computer nerd, I prefer to be called a hacker" offers Lex after being sneezed over by a Brachiosaurus. Let me guess, would her ability to hack a computer be relevant somewhere in the movie? Let's not even mention the dinos that open doors by the handle.
Richard Attenborough is probably the worst performer as Dr. Hammond. He starts the movie with an effeminate Scottish accent, which fluctuates to English, then to Scots, then back to English... was the continuity adviser drunk? Maybe he should have played the part as "Pinkie" from "Brighton Rock". At least it would have been entertaining. "Stick yer perishin' mincers on that T-Rex". Jeff um Gold arr blum, joins joins him in ah clumsy ex uh position, then spends the rest of the film uh lying lying on a uh couch. Actually, despite having nothing to do, Goldblum shows why he earns every cent of his wages by being the only one to give some sort of life to the cut-out he's given.
The rigid banality and cynical, transparent manipulation of the film, coupled with its overblown incidental music really starts to grate before long. And while some scenes might be disturbing for small children, its PG certificate, mainstream targets and lowbrow denomination means you know none of the cast will be harmed. Or would a family film really show a ten-year-old boy being electrocuted and then dying? Therefore: no tension. See also: Independence Day, or: if it was real they never would have got that saucer out of the nuclear explosion in time.
What everyone always discusses are the dinosaurs, of course. While, for the most part, excellent, they appear for less than - count 'em - 20 minutes of the film's total. This leaves us with 85% of a movie that is stock, run-of-the-mill and predictable. Even the mighty Samuel L. Jackson looks bored in this one*. On reflection, it appears that novelty was fundamental to its success. The sequel, The Lost World, was a better film yet wasn't as popular, critically or commercially.
Jurassic Park is a film riddled with "cute" kids, "comedy" fat bloke, feeble one-liners and double takes. There's even "humorous" use of "ironic" juxtaposition, such as the T-Rex bringing down a flyer from When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth. "Now that is one big pile o'sh*t" says Goldblum at one point. To highlight that quote for the purposes of mockery would be cheap and unkind.
* I happened to stumble on my old review in September 2005 and edited it for a few minor typos. How ironic that in the five years since I originally posted this review every single part Sam Jackson has played is one that he's looked thoroughly bored in.