Might as well join in the fun

Rating: 3/10 (18 September 2006)

For me this was like ET. You watch the film and try to forget your expectations, and they your jaw just ends up dropping on how bad it really was.
For ET, I was hoping for a bit of the alien wonder one experienced in "Close Encounters", and got a foolish, beer drinking dumb looking alien who can make the stupid kids' bikes fly. YECH. For this film, I was expecting a great science fiction film, especially with the talent involved...and got an unbelievable exercise in bad film-making.
Yes, the dinosaurs look good...they're made in a computer, and so what? I enjoyed them, but it wasn't like OMG how did they do that? It was CGI. I guess for 99% of the people out there, at least back then, that was good enough.
Much has already been written about the terrible pacing, the bad acting, and the non existent plot, all points which are valid, so I will stick with some plot points/idiotic things--and some items that are unanswered for me...maybe someone out there can share an explanation.
1) Why would they test this zoo and all its security on the day that a bunch of the engineers are leaving? Especially with kids there?
2) So there are electric fences to keep the dinosaurs in, but no backup systems in case the electricity fails. Hello, engineering?
3) Time after time characters go past gun cases. Only a few shots of a gun are made, all off screen. Any sane person would have raided those cases and those dinosaurs would be off playing their Jurassic Harps somewhere. But no, no one grabs a gun, no one shoots. The most skilled hunter gets himself killed.
4) No one likes a lawyer, but what was with the HILARIOUS scene of the poor guy getting eaten when on the toilet? It was supposed to be funny, and I will admit, I think everyone in the theater howled but me. So maybe that was successful.
5) Whole scenes go nowhere. When Ms. Dern finds a big dino defecation, she is examining it and seems to come up with some puzzling findings. I was expecting...I don't know, some deadly virus, something that was killing the dinos, etc. No, we never find out, as the movie has no answers.
6) Doesn't every kid know UNIX? The 12 and 10 year olds save the day, because, dontcha know, all kids are computer experts! Ain't that cute.
7) Ms. Dern turns in a really bad performance. Note her waxing dreamily with old Dr. Greyhead over melting ice cream (yeah, perfect time to stop and share some nice conversation over a snack, in between dinosaur maulings). Also note: Ms. Derns frozen expression of wonderment when she first sees the dinosaurs (You can almost hear Spielberg off camera..."Big expression Laura, BIG"). Note her next frozen expression, staring like a mannequin at Sam Neill at the end of the movie in the helicopter. Her dopey expression makes one think she might have gas.
8) Let's make the bad guy the fat white guy. That way, we can't be labeled racist, misogynist, etc. I swear that when I saw this in the movies and the fat guy was slipping in the mud and generally fumbling about, that they were playing tuba music during. When I saw this scene again the music seemed different. Maybe I just imagined the tuba music because everything else in that scene was insulting to the intelligence.
I could go on, but it's late. Suffice it to say, this is a rated 0 movie save for some special effects, which for me barely gets the movie to a three.