Mayhem, Mathmatics and Megasaurus Egos!

Rating: 10/10 (26 June 2013)

Jurassic Park taught us many things. It taught us that there is nothing scarier than being hunted by a giant wingless bird. It taught us that the T-Rex is a creature of such stealth that it can sneak into a building unnoticed to save the day. But most important of all, we learned from J-Park that the most formidable species to ever exist in this world was the ever adaptive egosaurus. And I'm not talking about prehistoric creatures, I'm talking about modern humanoids. There are three main subspecies that stand out in Jurassic Park. We have Hammond, the Deiasourus who thinks he's a God. There is Malcolm, aka Dr. Chaos, aka the Prophesaurus, who thinks he's the voice of truth and is so full of $#i+, he could probably benefit from an existential enema. And then there's Grant, the Academisaurus who thinks he's the voice of reason and logic. Unfortunately – SPOILERS - all three of these sores survive the carnage and show up for various sequels as well. I guess we're supposed to get some satisfaction out of watching a blood-sucking lawyer get turned into a dino's dinner while he sits on the crapper. Sam Jackson is here too. But unfortunately, you won't hear him say, "I've had it with these futha muckin' dinosaurs in this futha muckin' park!" No, the man plays it cool here. The plot is as follows: Hammond can't wait to show his dino pets to the world. He seems so giddy at the prospect that you sense he's gonna wet himself if he has to wait a day longer. But before he can have his grand opening, he must endure a lawyerly island evaluation and the unwanted knee grabs of a leathery mathematician. Hammond is a Scot intent on showing his guests a bloody good time. But for all the expense that he hasn't spared, it turns out that JP has a few glitches. But when things go wrong and Hammond's grandkids are almost eaten by a Tee'd off T-Rex, Hammond is careful not to overreact. "It's just a delay," he says. What follows is a tyrannical trip through the dino dome as Samuel L. Jackson chain smokes, the sole Jurassic park ranger mopes around like he was rejected for the role of Crocodile Dundee and Laura Dern slaps the $#!t out of a log. And just when you thought the meals on heals were free and clear, it turns out there's no manual override for computer controlled door locks. Don't adjust your rear view mirrors, that object is as awesome as it appears!