Great Dinos, and that's all

Rating: 6/10 (10 July 2009)

Sloppy story-telling from start to finish. It's pretty obvious Spielberg didn't give a damn about anything but the dinosaurs, especially not about tight, coherent plotting or believable characters. When I taught screenplay writing in Santa Fe NM I used "JP" as a perfect example of how even established directors who should know better can forget what's important. But Saint Steven's always cared more for effects than logic. And the dinos are impressive, even now. They almost distract one from the illogic of that first Grand Revelation with the brachiosaurs, as definitive a moment for fantasy as the star destroyer's overhead entrance in "Star Wars." But Sam Neill & Co approach these walking skyscrapers over a mile or so of gently rolling terrain, and they don't notice them until they're almost under hoof. Like I said, effect over logic. Too many of the characters are superfluous or just plain unbelievable. Jeff Goldblum doesn't add a thing to the plot, he just cracks wise and makes pretentious pronouncements (a faculty he perfected in the sequel). In the book his broken leg gave them a time limit to get off the island before the break went septic, but nothing like that here. Once his leg is broken he's basically forgotten. And Richard Attenborough's John Hammond is a kindly old Scots Santa Claus here, but sends his beloved grandkids out into a park that's chock full of dangerous predators--and even more dangerous computer bugs. In the book at least he was a nasty old SOB, though it was still a thin device. Bad plotting: Wayne Knight has lived on the island for months yet can't find his way to the dock because of a rain storm and a fallen sign?? And why bother with the "life will out" theme when it makes no difference? The creatures don't get off the island as they do in the book, so who cares if they can reproduce? If you want to leave room for a sequel, simply dump that and the "lysine contingency" and save some time. And finally we come to the biggest fraud of all: the ending, a classic dino ex machina. They're saved from raptors in the nickest of nicks by the T Rex! Who's announced his approach hitherto by making like Godzilla, but here apparently walks on tippy-toes. This was Steverino's inspiration, which shows he knew which side of the movie his box office was buttered on. To paraphrase Eric Clapton about a new rock group he'd just formed called Cream: "Forget the plot! Forget the characters! Just dinos!" My solution: after the Rex saves our hapless crew, he chases 'em all the way to the chopper, maybe even grabs a strut in his jaws as the whirlybird is lifting off, and Neill has to hang out and kick them free. Oh well, Spielberg proved with "Crystal Skulls" he doesn't know when to quit, so it may happen yet.