Nothing to Crowe about

Rating: Null/10 (30 July 2000)

How much Tom Cruise can you take? On the evidence of this, about an hour. Cruise is taking over the world. In the first half hour you get every conceivable shot and angle of Cruise that's possible. View of Cruise walking through door. View of Cruise walking through airport lounge. Profile of Cruise. Close up of profile of Cruise. Cruise on phone. Cruise on phone close up. Zoom in on Cruise eyeballs. mid shot of Cruise. Mid shot of Cruise being irresistible to women. Never long shot, too far away from audience, they'll stop being aware that Cruise exists/is wonderful/is a winner. View of Cruise having sex. Standing up so we can see his face. It's a walking self-advert designed to make him even more successful. You can see nothing but Cruise but what you can't see is any acting. There is a reason for this. He can't act. He's never been able to act. In one scene he is drunk but there's no difference to when he's sober. He's incapable of conveying even a simple human gesture without a range of exaggerated ticks and waves. Kubrick was a bright man. He must have realised Cruise couldn't act but he hired him. This collective madness extends to the audience who seem to love him. I don't get it. Show me the money. Cruise needs to be shown a space that doesn't have money piled up. His fee for Mission Impossible 2 film must be the most lucrative financial deal in film history. He can't act and they keep showing him the money. I don't understand. Help me to help you. Explain America to me. It does not compute. Tom,Tom,Tom, wherever you go. He just gets more successful no matter how bad he is. His ego is so huge that in one scene he keeps hitting an overhead light although he is reported to be a shorthouse. Eric Stolz is in this picture. He's the same age and he can act. Show him the money. Give him the lead. Jerry O'Connel of sliders fame is in this film. He can act. He doesn't twitch. He won't laugh in an outrageously bogus manner when sharing a cute scene with a kid. Show him the money. Or let him slide to an alternative earth where Cruise is a janitor. He'd stay, believe me. But they keep showing Cruise the money. And he's hopeless. What does that say about corporate America and the people who go and see movies? Is it all just about the fantasy of success?
Why do they let trains crash rather than install proper safety systems? Why do they let the plane go up when there have been warnings about engine problems? Why does Cruise keep getting roles when he can't act? Show me the words that mean nothing.