It Follows? It Blows, More Like...

Rating: 1/10 (13 March 2015)

How in God's name has this film received so many positive reviews? Did I even endure the same painful mess as everyone else or has there been more than one release of this absolute turd of a film?
It begins with the camera following a girl who can't quite make up her mind where in her street she'd like to run to in her eight-inch heels and skimpy nightwear. In the end she can't decide, so feels the need to drive to a beach so that she can have a heartfelt conversation with her father about how deeply sorry she is for her atrocious acting, and she acknowledges that she deserves never to work in acting again before meeting a gruesome demise.
I deeply cared about this character at this point, and the death had a huge impact on me, which will doubtlessly haunt me to my own dying day.
We're then introduced to the main character, whose name utterly escapes me, and shall be remembered as Little Miss Insipid. After a few minutes of similarly in-depth character development whereby we learn she like squirrels, wonders whether ants can swim (they can't), and enjoys swimming in grubby outdoor pools, she's quickly given the Ghostbusters equivalent of a nasty case of crabs and is sent on her merry way to either infect someone else or die a gruesome death of her own.
And that, dear reader, is about as much as you need to know, because that, dear reader, is where your brain will turn to sludge and start to drip out of your ears whilst you try to watch the rest of the movie.
Don't get me wrong, though. Perhaps watching a very slow, usually half- naked, tit-hanging-out, pissing-herself ghost slowly wander up to someone with as much menace of a fluffy duckling and at the speed of an arthritic tortoise is your idea of the perfect film.
It isn't mine.
Call me crazy but I like a scary film to be, well, let's push the boat out and say scary. I know, I know, it's a lot to ask.
This film is boring, pointless, poorly-acted, veers from unnecessarily loud to unnecessarily quiet (and no, not for effect, it's just irritating) and is genuinely without doubt one of the worst films I've ever seen.
And if you do go to see it, and halfway through you resist the urge to get up and leave because you think it'll get better: get up and leave. Because it just goes off at the end, without any explanation or reasoning, and leaves you desperately wishing you'd gone with your gut instinct and left at least an hour beforehand.
Avoid like the clap. Pun intended.