Sexually Transmitted Tedium

Rating: 4/10 (3 April 2015)

(Very marginal spoilers) This fiasco should have been titled "Vagina of Death." It's the fitful mating of the threadworn sluts-die-first slasher grindhouse flick with a slow-paced, fatalistic Japanese ghost story. The result is a turgid, glacial, irritating allegory about a malevolent demon passed on through sex (only of the traditional male-female type, apparently), with a heavy- handed message that seems to have been conceived by the Catholic League: Sure it sucks being an adolescent, dealing with angst and uncertainty, full of raging hormones and the fear of death. But kids, sex will not put distance between you and your fears; rather, it will bring death closer, along with a host of other problems. The consequences of lust will follow you everywhere: emotional turmoil, unwanted pregnancy, disease, vaginal chafe, whatever.
Even Detroit is exploited to illustrate this theme. See kids, even cities decline and die, sooner or later, without your clean, white, suburban values (though it's not clear whether or not the decline had anything specifically to do with its lusting after Windsor). See the crumbling buildings and beaten-down prostitutes? Dirty sex and decay!
But, since this is a mainstream, commercial flick, we want to have our thrills before we repent. And sure nuff, along the way to having our moral fiber cleaned and pressed, there's scene after scene of mopey teens going at it--in cars, hospitals beds, and horrifically furnished homes (in fact, the interior decorating may be the scariest thing in this turkey). Look kids, here's exactly what you shouldn't be doing. Doesn't that look deliciou- er uh disgusting!? Here it is again in a different position. Here it is with MOM -- ewww!! Now are you convinced that this is a nasty, life-sucking diversion!?
Ultimately, even the lust is not very lusty. A talented cast tries gamely to keep this leaky boat afloat (Keir Gilchrist comes off best, convincingly relaying scores of specific thoughts with only his face and eyes) but mostly there's little for them to do but look confused, frightened, and skimpily dressed for two very long hours. Trust me, it's even longer for the audience. At least the cast was paid to go through it.