Sexually Transmitted Haunting? They should have a cream for that...

Rating: 1/10 (6 March 2015)

This film has glittering reviews, stating that this is a horror for the new generation, that it revamps the genre and creates something truly unique. Let's get something straight here: awful films are not unique. It starts with our female protagonist going to a film with her new man. After sitting through five minutes of popcorn, organ music and a ridiculous game of 'who's life do you want to swap with?' (a fun game to play when you're meant to be with your boyfriend), said bf gets spooked and they leave. And go have sex. Then she gets tied up and told the tale that now her vagina is wanted by a creepy demon, who will walk relentlessly to get to her newly-anointed paranormal pussy. So if you can drive, charter a boat, get on a plane, even walk FASTER than the thing, you will be fine (there's even a scene where Heroine Girl's Scooby gang actually do this). The film's premise of a walking demon which only the victim can see is solid, if lacking in any sense of direction. The setting is schizophrenic: classic 80s cars for the main protagonists, modern cars dotted clearly around everywhere else; no mobile phones, but the Velma character has a plastic seashell E-reader accessory? Clearly this film never got given a redraft. The characters are unlikeable and badly developed. Heroine Girl is flaky, erratic to the point of insensibility, and must have ADHD to not realize that the walking demon could be outwitted by WALKING IN CIRCLES AROUND HER OWN HOUSE IF NEEDS BE. Her companions are just as irritable: BFF #1 smokes in one scene and never references it again, and that is her character development in its entirety; BFF #2 is the Velma, with her jarring seashell E-reader and insatiable desire to spout monologues whenever she gets her precious seconds of screen time. Final BFF is a guy called Paul, a living erection whose only purpose is to point out that, even though her vagina is haunted by a crazed walking demon, his penis will gladly rid her of that irksome curse. Creepy does not even begin to cover Paul's sociological afflictions. There's also the ubiquitous stoner guy. He has a beach house and a gun and no personality whatsoever. The film's climax is as confusing as it is annoying, and leaves only questions as to how the hell this got an actual box office release. It Follows is a mess of a film, devoid of scares, tension or any semblance of a rational plot. It Follows should have the tag-line 'No Discernible Plot Whatsoever.' Avoid like a slowly walking plague.