Maudlin milquetoast

Rating: 5/10 (10 September 2017)

What is It? It is a monstrosity. It is a two-hour-and-fifteen-minute monstrosity. What is It not? That depends upon what your definition of: 1) "is" is; and 2) "it" is.
It is not: 1) scary; 2) horrific; 3) suspenseful; 4) worth your time; 5) Tim Curry. In fact, the fact that It is not Tim Curry is not a problem, but if It is Tim Curry, that is also not a problem.
The problem is that It is a coming-of-age movie about a bunch of pubescent, self-entitled "losers" we cannot root for, because they, like It, live shallow lives. It feeds on fear, and It can make you afraid, so that seems like a pretty tight feedback loop, making It, arguably, woke AF.
Growing up is hard, parents suck, and what in the hell keeps eating a bunch of kids in Derry every 27 years? (Hint: It is not Tim Curry.) Is It a psychological mirror that doesn't exist unless you've grown up and realized nothing matters? Is It an other-worldly creature that just happens to appreciate the hiptseresque irony of appearing as a murderous clown? Or is It a bony-fingered grab for cash, a rehash of pre-existing matter?
Life sucks, and then you float. This is Our Summer, and I'm not gonna do my homework, mom, and I'm not gonna shave your back, dad. Why is the creepy house still standing, why are people so mean to each other, and don't you understand the importance of friendship, compassion, and working as a team in order to solve a problem?
Take a thousand pages, make a 135-minute movie. Nothing gets lost in translation, because nothing was translated. The movie has to end, and It has to stop. Beat It with a stick, beat It with a bat, stab It with a rod, watch It go away.
Float. Float on.