Jumping the Stark.

Rating: 7/10 (30 December 2010)

The first IRON MAN movie was a planet-crusher. IRON MAN 2, well, maybe it could crush a small moon or something. It's still a full-fledged, fun-filled ferrous romp, but, like all superhero sequels, suffers from cramming us with characters and classic story lines in its desperate need to impress. My hole feels stretched. Not in that good way either.
IRON MAN 2 opens in exhilaration: over AC/DC's Shoot To Thrill, Iron Man jets through night skies over city lights, camera/we on his steel shoulders, feeling the weight of the armor, the gut-thumping power of the afterburners in his boots, inhaling the burning breeze as he plummets like a missile into a packed amphitheater, landing onstage in a pose that can only be described as THOOM! You don't applaud an entrance like that. You throw panties.
Machines clack his costume off his body as an Iron Chick chorus line (in tiny faux-metal undies) dances behind him. Billionaire playboy Tony Stark emerges (Robert Downey Jr., once again bringing his breezy brio) to open the Stark Technology Expo.
Half a world away, in a dank Russian lab with no windows, Ivan Vanko (scary Mickey Rourke, body-tatted like Motley Crue and still pumped from his WRESTLER role like a balloon float gone awry) plots revenge on Stark for Stark's dad stealing tech ideas from Ivan's dad. He becomes supervillain Whiplash and scares everyone by carving Tony's racing car in half with his electric whips and showing off his puffy muscles.
Everyone wants a piece of the Iron. Garry Shandling, excellent as a snide congressman, impotently orders Stark - who doesn't take him seriously - to turn over the Iron Man technology to the military; while sleazy Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell), the government's tech bitch, tries to duplicate the armor for military use, i.e. killing. (Of what other use is the military?) Hammer allies with Whiplash to unleash an army of robots which ultimately keeps the effects team up all night rendering CGI Don Cheadle replaces Terrence Howard as Rhodey, Stark's military liaison and best friend. And gets to kick ass as the heavily-armed "second Iron Man" called War Machine.
Stark's power source has been updated from the comic books: he used to plug into the wall like a regular old toaster, but here he has power cells that click into his chest piece - the same chest piece which keeps his heart beating yet is killing him softly through blood toxicity. Desperately seeking a cure, Stark nonetheless becomes fatalistic and bequeaths Stark Industries to his blond helper Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow, forever pining after the playboy she will never have), and stumbles upon the alcoholism plot point very conveniently.
And this is where the film stumbles as well. In the Marvel comicbook series, serious plot arcs like alcoholism gestate and develop over weeks or months ("Demon in a Bottle" was first published in 1979, then Stark fell off the wagon proper in 1983, forcing James Rhodes to don the Iron Man armor, precipitating War Machine), lending the story gravitas and "realism." While in IRON MAN 2, Stark goes lush, Rhodey croaks the damning key line, "You don't deserve the suit!" and commandeers the War Machine armor all in a few hot minutes, making it seem, well - ironically - like a comicbook. Or at least what people think comicbooks are - shallow, vacuous and unrealistic.
I wrestled for a long time with the problem of why IRON MAN 2 is not as effective, not as compelling a film as the first one, and I realized: this A-list feature film falls into the shark-jumping phenomenon of the Cousin Oliver Syndrome - introducing new characters to replace well-worn ones. But this is only the second IRON MAN movie - we haven't yet grown bored of the original characters! And none of them have aged enough to look as bloated as Cindy Brady.
Shark-Jumping: younger, sexier assistant in the form of Natasha (Scarlett Johanssen); a second Iron Man (War Machine); Avengers Initiative foreshadowing at every turn; Sam Jackson as Nick Fury, with so few lines of exposition they could have been said by anyone on a smaller salary; Captain America's shield; Thor's mighty Mjolnir, post-credits; 50 other Iron Men flying around making my CGI nerve twitch.
I'm sick of them telling me that I'm sick of characters - when I'm not! I would have loved more scenes with Sam Rockwell spouting his inimitable patter; would have relished more turbo-charges like the opening flying scene and what we wouldn't give for more Russian-tainted cheese with mighty Mickey and his puffy muscles! The climactic battle between Whiplash and the two iron men is robbed of its impact by having to put Mickey Rourke into an Iron Suit and then on top of that ignominy, to have him remove his mask so that we can see him (the Spider-Man Mask-Removing Syndrome - ensure the ignorant audience knows who is behind the mask and then ensure the dumb dumb dumb audience can see the emotions on his face).
Movie ends with a true metal song, with a true metal singer - Bon Scott's true AC/DC, Highway To Hell.
Despite its overwrought overpandering, from its titanium thunderware to its tiny metal underwear, IRON MAN 2 delivers, but says nothing we haven't heard before in loud metal clanks.