Lame, Base, Pretentious

Rating: 3/10 (27 April 2019)

Pale, well-dressed men with long hair go around killing beautiful scantily clad women while delighting in their beauty. They believe themselves to be deep and sensuous and the viewer is supposed to believe that too but, well, there is nothing to impart that belief: slow movement and big ego doesn't suddenly make you deep and sensuous.
Perhaps an outcast teenager would enjoy this movie: Louis, 'a vampire with a human heart', tells us that he feels out of place everywhere. The oldest vampire in the world tooks a like on him: guess what, Louis is the only one who can connect the vampire world and the human world! 'You feel out of place, Louis, and this is precisely your strength, you are the only one who can bridge the vampire and the human world, you, Louis, you!' See what I did there?
'We mistake our barbarism for sophistication, and our isolation for having special qualities.' The audience can now satisfy its lower instincts and delight in the cruel scenes and in the ego inflation scenes, all quite innocently, because of the fancy shmancy decor and top actors on the cast - surely this must be some quality art? No, it's not.
Lame would be an understatement, but the producers clearly knew what threads to pull in order to produce a box-office hit.
Why the 3 stars? 3 good things in this movie: The opening scene. Brad Pitt's clothes - really amazing, a delight to watch! Red velvet jacket's my favourite, I think. And Antonio Banderas, who somehow manages to not be horrible despite looking ridiculous with the long straigth hair and no colour on his face.