There's a bunch of evil-type things and stuff

Rating: Null/10 (24 August 2011)

The Writing of "Insidious": A Screenplay in One Act
INT. WRITERS ROOM – NIGHT
JAMES WAN sits at a table with 4 tired-looking WRITERS.
JAMES WAN
Okay fellas! I got this story it's about a kid who, like, has his spirit wander away and it can't find it's way back. There's a bunch of evil-type things trying to get at his body to take it over. What do we call it??
WRITERS (shouting)
Evil-thing! Devious! Crafty! Dubious! Insidious! The Purple Scare!
JAMES WAN
Wait, what was that? Insidious? Hmm. In. Sin. Insini. Sindi. IOU. Good good, it can go any way. Make sure some of those letters are in RED on the movie poster. Yeah. Okay, good work. Now, his soul is trapped in this place that's sort of hazy, like a haunted house, but not nearly as fun. Stuff JUMPS OUT AT YOU! That's scary. Don't talk to me. I made SAW. I'm thinking of calling this place. THE FURTHER.
WRITERS
Uh, shouldn't that be THE FARTHER?
JAMES WAN
SHUT UP! If you remember Dead Silence you know I know the difference between further and that other word. Moving on! So the movie opens with some weird stuff happening. The kid's soul hasn't wandered off yet, but there's still demon things. And then they get stronger. And stronger. Then we introduce some wacky nerd types, because they're funny. We end with a crazy twist that nobody could see coming! But you've all read the script. I think it's perfect and we're starting the shoot tomorrow.
WRITERS
Aren't you concerned that no family has ever interacted like your Hollywood-perfect family in this script?
JAMES WAN (confident, but annoyed)
It doesn't matter. Go with it.
WRITERS
And why are there weird things happening before the kid is lost. I mean, nobody is really looking for his empty body when his soul is still in it.
JAMES WAN (getting more agitated)
It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice. Nobody.
WRITERS
And why do they need his body anyway? By the end of the movie they're capable of moving around in the living world, opening doors, and attacking people. That doesn't seem consistent with your earlier description of the situation.
JAMES WAN (his voice low, teeth clenched)
IT..DOESN'T.. MATTER
WRITERS
And this twist. Who are you, M. freakin' Night? That's crap. That's not scary. This entire script is crap. Were you drunk when you wrote this? This will take months to fix!
JAMES WAN (screaming)
That's IT! You're all fired! You'll never work in Hollywood again! I'm James Wan! I'm James Wan!!!!! I'm James WAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
JAMES WAN raises his fist to the sky, cursing the script gods and mankind alike. Soon, soon he would unleash Insidious on the world and nothing would stop him!
END