10 reasons why Inglourious Basterds sucks

Rating: 1/10 (25 August 2009)

A lot of people are raving about Quentin Tarantino's latest movie and I'm sure you'll all end up watching it eventually whether you really want to or not. I watched it just to find out what all the fuss is about and I wish I now had those 2 and a half precious hours of my life back. It sucked! Here are my ten reasons why. 1. They can't even spell the name of the film correctly. It should be "Inglorious Bastards". Even with the differences between British and American English neither word in the title is spelled properly. Not that I expect much more from the land of "Dunkin' Donuts", "Kwik Fill" and "Toys'R'Us" anyway. 2. Apart from the first 30 minutes or so, the rest of the movie is just a load of talky nonsense with no action at all. If people aren't being scalped, beaten to death with baseball bats or shot then I have no interest in watching a movie like this anyway. I couldn't care less about the second World War. 3. Yes, it's a war film. I have no interest in war films whatsoever. It's not even a good or realistic war film such as "Saving Private Ryan", "Das Boot" or even "The Great Escape". It's also far too much like "The Dirty Dozen" and so it sucks on all levels that pertain to originality or historical accuracy. 4. Did I mention that it's 153 minutes long? That's actually over 2 and a half hours (by three minutes). WTF? Who has the patience to watch anything that long unless it's porn? Not me. And how are you expected to watch something like this in a movie theatre with a Coke the size of a bucket without needing the toilet at least 8 times? I probably missed any good bits (if there were any good bits) after the first bit of brutality because I was too busy draining my little Quentin in the bathroom. 5. There just weren't enough subtitles. I don't need them for the French and German but I do for anything Brad Pitt says in any of his movies. How the hell did he become a Hollywood star when he can't even speak properly? I can't even blame it on his fake teeth this time like I did when he was slurring his way through "Interview with the Vampire". Having also just watched "Benjamin Button" with the subtitles on all the way through (because I couldn't understand anybody in it), I think it's down to his ludicrous attempt at a hillbilly accent. I think it's time for him to get some elocution lessons and then use his own voice in future. Some acting lessons wouldn't hurt either. 6. I've got nothing against Eli Roth as a director except that all his horror movies suck but now he thinks that he's an actor. Based on his whiny performance in "Inglourious Basterds", he can think again. Oh yeah, and he looks fat too. 7. I've never seen a single Quentin Tarantino movie that I liked. This was a chance for him to redeem himself but yet again he failed. Too much dialogue, too little action, and it looked as if it was knocked together in a week. Finding out later that Quentin Tarantino spent ten years on the story doesn't do much to help his case. Ten years to come up with this crap? I've written better blogs than his screenplays and they only take me about 5 minutes. If he'd come clean and admitted that it took him all of an hour then I'd have more respect for him. But then again, maybe not. 8. The only thing that would have made "Inglourious Basterds" memorable would have been if the characters played by Diane Kruger and Melanie Laurent had got nakedly gang-banged in all directions several times throughout or whenever the story lagged. Actually if it had just been 2 hours of Diane Kruger and Melanie Laurent naked then it would have been worth $10 of anybody's money even if they just stood there and did absolutely nothing at all. As it was, both actresses were wasted and this dismal failure of a movie has raped their careers no matter what the box office returns are. 9. There are no characters to care about in "Inglourious Basterds" because all they do is yap meaningless drivel rather than give any insights into themselves for the audience to empathise with. You actually get more characterisation in 3 minutes of a Bugs Bunny cartoon than in the whole of the this movie. So anyone who tells you how brilliant Tarantino is at creating caricatures is just insulting real artists (even animators) the whole world over. Even a blank piece of paper has more emotional depth than a Quentin Tarantino script. 10. Everything you want to know about this movie is shown in the trailer. How long is the trailer? About 3 minutes. That means that the rest of "Inglourious Basterds" is entirely padding. 2 and a half hours of padding!!! My verdict: 0 out of 10. If you have $10 and a bored afternoon then I do NOT suggest that you watch this movie at all. Just buy a can of paint, find a room in need of decoration, get out your brush and do a wall. Yeah, watching paint dry will be far more beneficial.