A "Tom and Jerry" version of an Indiana Jones film

Rating: 2/10 (27 March 2007)

When RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK was released, my high school buddy and I were the first one in line. We had no idea what the film was about but we wanted to see something fun and spectacular. Well, we weren't disappointed. I remember this experience fondly.
So when I saw INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE when it was released at the movies, I couldn't believe how terrible and pathetic it was from beginning (trite flashback to Indy's youth) to miserable end (sexist death of the sole female character in the whole film).
Let's start with the beginning. Then again, maybe not. River Phoenix was totally miscast as the young Indiana Jones. He just doesn't look like he's having fun at all. And to have Indy go through a number of incidents that took place at one time that explains Indy's fear of snakes, his hat, his whip, etc, was so bleeding obvious and badly conceived that I thought it was a parody. But it's not. It's played straight. After seeing that beginning, I knew I was going to suffer much more. And suffer, I did.
Practically every aspect of what made the first film so fun and memorable was ruined by the terrible screenplay by Jeffrey Boam. The film is just a collection of crude in-jokes, a boat-load of silly coincidences, badly conceived action scenes (most of them echoing and relying on those from the first film), a story filled with so many mistakes and gargantuan plot-holes, sprinkled with forced comedy bits and all wrapped up in a neat package that made Paramount happy. The fact is, this was a stinker, and they knew it. The series, only after three movies, had already ran out of steam and it ended after this one. Everything felt forced in LAST CRUSADE. Harrison Ford looked bored. Like Phoenix, Sean Connery was miscast as Indy's father. The only reason they hired Connery was to make a link with the Indy series and the James Bond series. Nothing else. Connery added nothing to the series. But the worst aspect of this turkey was its only female character. In the first Indiana Jones, Marion was an equal to Indy. She was spunky, tough and cute. In LAST CRUSADE, Alison Doody plays Elsa, an unpleasant blond NAZI bitch who dies a miserable death at the end. Pretty sad when you think about it.
The action throughout the movie was as compelling as a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Case in point, when Connery scares the birds on the beach and makes them fly directly in front of a plane, in order to bring the plane down. Not only is this scene stupid but it's really crass re: the birds' welfare. The coincidences were so moronic and such groaners (Indy bumping into Hitler) that I've never done so much eye rolling during the viewing of of a single film. Had this been the first Indiana Jones film, it would have flopped because it relies so much on RAIDERS' coat tails that if you haven't seen the first one, it wouldn't make much sense.
After the bad experience that was TEMPLE OF DOOM, INDIANA JONES & THE LAST CRUSADE was the last straw and my enthusiasm for this "series" completely evaporated. That was 18 years ago. Now I hear they're doing an Indy 4. They shouldn't bother with it. Put a fork in it. It's done.