Sure, it looks pretty, but where's the "wow" factor?

Rating: 5/10 (7 April 2006)

Ice Age: The Meltdown is a perfect example of the kind of movie I hate to review. No matter what I say, it's going to make approximately $1 billion on opening weekend, so what's the point? Plus, a lot of my readers are guys who are only interested in movies where at least 42 people get shot or Adam Sandler talks in a funny voice and makes sounds that have no grammatical basis. The day they go to see Ice Age: The Meltdown is the day Rob Schneider gets nominated for an Oscar, which would most likely also be the day I vow to stop watching movies completely.
So writing this review is nothing more than an exercise in futility. If you enjoyed the original then you'll go see this follow-up no matter how harsh I am. If you hated the original then even my softest, most poetic words would be hard-pressed to convince you this was worth your time or money. So you know what? Go with your gut on this one; I really don't care either way.
I never saw Ice Age so I can't compare the two. All I know is that this installment, while cute and pleasant enough, has no real "wow" factor. Sure, it looks nice and is fairly harmless, but it tries just a little too hard to cater to the smallest of children while leaving most adults a little alienated. The problem is that the writers at Pixar have mastered the fine art of being clever enough to appeal equally to both children and adults (think Toy Story and The Incredibles). Everybody else (yes, this means you, Ice Age) is just a distant contender with a flair for pretty graphics rather than sharp storytelling.
I heard somebody on the radio refer to Ice Age 2 as "better than Toy Story." As Teaspoon Hunter might say, "Cow pies." Not even close. You can sell that some place else, Sam Cain, because Emma ain't buyin' it (sorry, a little Young Riders (buy the DVD!) reference for you).
Now if I had been hired to work on the movie then I would've titled it Ice Age: The Final Countdown. At the end of the movie CGI versions of the members of Europe would have shown up and all the prehistoric animals would have jammed to their undeserved hit The Final Countdown. That would've been some sweet action, and you know it. Just picture CGI versions of the bandmates' bad 80s hairdos. Talk about a missed opportunity.