Even Steven Segal is too good for such cynical and lazy film-making

Rating: 2/10 (25 October 2004)

All I can say about this brainless megamillion dollar cartoon is: ugh!
Screenwriter Akiva Goldsmith (Batman & Robin, Lost in Space) is just about the most incompetent, lazy Hollywood hack there is, and the stench of his dimwitted script obscures any other technical or artistic achievements that slipped in under the producers demand for the most insipid explosions & effects vehicle possible.
20 minutes in, after hearing Bridget Moynahan declare the initial murder was obviously suicide with the conviction of a soft-core porn vet for the tenth time, I was ready to turn it off. I wish I had because all we get to see is Smith go through just about all the hotheaded antihero cliché's imaginable in the most predictable manner possible. Unexplainable anonymous murder attempts; the smarmy Machiavellian yet surprisingly helpful corporate mogul; the comely psychologist helping against her own interests; a traumatic childhood accident shown in flashback; a secret near-superhero ability revealed; and of course the dead mentor speaking from beyond the grave. Modernizing the derivate plot all the way into the 80's, we also have a self aware computer with designs for world domination. In perhaps the most cynical display of audience contempt in the history of the big budget action film, there is acompletely superfluous scene at the metronomic halfway point in the movie in which Che McBride demands Smith's badge after a massively destructive chase scene.
The requisite robot technobabble sounds like it was cribbed from a third rate Star Trek fanfiction, despite an immense repository of practical dialog straight from decades of Azimov's writings. The dialog in general is so bad it the actors should have just improved the whole thing and the story so insipid I can't imagine it being pitched as anything but a parody.
The robots themselves are given no background to speak of except that there are apparently only two models to choose from and there is no economic barrier to owning one. And pretty much the only thing differentiating robots from a human ninja warrior is the artificial limitations set by the three laws of robotics. Oh, and they glow red whenever they decide to "turn off" the three laws and turn evil, just in case us drooling simpletons can't distinguish who is the cannon fodder in a Will Smith/CG robot showdown. "The Transformers" had a far more enlightened look on human-machine interaction and "Mystery Science Theater 3000" had more believable robot personalities.
Most of the rest of the film seems to be put together in the same irreverent manner. Considering how many shots are mostly or entirely computer generated, it is obvious most of the film was an afterthought to signing Smith and the obtaining the naming rights, leaving the burden of a finished product solely on the post production teams. Many CG sequences don't even appear finished, and most of my attention during action sequences was spent looking for missing effects that paying attention to the athletically limited blue-screened fighting and monosyllabic trash talking (to mute robots, no less). The actors all seem to know their are in a dud and don't even make an attempt to lift themselves out of their pre-ordained stereotype. The futuristic sets are the same shiny chrome, glass & white styrofoam that hasn't really changed since 2001: A Space Odyssey. But everyone conveniently seems to live in regular late 20th century homes with a few blue LEDs glued on the walls.
There is no reason that audiences need to continually subject themselves to this kind of repetitive and superficial film-making. We deserve more than mindless spectacles, and "I, Robot" fails to meet such low expectations despite it's tremendous pedigree. Even more so than recent Bruckheimer stinkfests like Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II, this movie is purely a heartless exercise of marketing and financial muscle.
1/2* out of 5