Simple...put it back on the shelf and pick another Horror movie, coz it WILL be better than this!

Rating: 1/10 (6 August 2007)

I have sworn a solemn oath to NEVER AGAIN subject myself or anyone close to me to ANY film written and/or directed by Eli Roth, after having the unfortunate experience of sitting through the entire length of this PATHETIC excuse for a horror movie.
I really have some genuine pity for people growing up with today's wretched collection of modern horror films. Amidst the deluge of bad remakes (ie When a Stranger Calls and Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and unoriginal, "shocking" new ones (ie Saw, Darkness Falls), Hostel stands at the forefront, as the VERY WORST of the bunch (so far, at least, and I haven't seen Part 2 - which i daresay will be EVEN worse, though I have NO intention of ever seeing it).
I had the good fortune to grow up in the 80's and bear witness to the truly AWESOME horror films that came out in that decade. When people had to come up with other ways to scare you, than just "shocking" gore.
Okay, let's pick this atrocious film apart:
Characters - lame American tourists, very hard to care whether they live or die.
Dialogue - opening line is "Amsterdam m*th*rf*ck*r!" enough said, but I'll go on - It never gets any better than that little gem.
Plot - Stretches believability beyond breaking point, even for a dodgy horror movie. Things we are expected to swallow whole include, but are definitely not limited to:
1. That there is a hostel in darkest eastern europe populated ONLY by gorgeous women in their 20's. Uh huh.
2. That a girl can be heard screaming from outside a building, even when she is locked in a dungeon-like labyrinth of tunnels, UNDERGROUND.
3. That the exact 3 people you need to get revenge on will suddenly turn up in darkest eastern europe (though they live in Amsterdam) and furthermore, that they will all stand in a straight line and remain still enough for you to run them down with your car.
4. That our "hero" can find and execute EACH and EVERY person who wronged him, practically in the same order they appeared in the movie.
I could go on and on, but frankly, this movie is not worth the time. If I can convince just one person to NOT see this movie, EVER, I have done my job.