From the people that brought you Guantanamo Bay!

Rating: 1/10 (14 March 2006)

Frequent viewers of U.S. American movie-productions are aware of the fact that most American citizens live in constant fear of the fact, that there are foreign countries on their globe. Those of them who are bold enough to travel those dangerous territories have the wildest stories to tell. "Hostel" is one of them. It's the kind of yarn, that's presented from little boys with a lifetime experience of TV an video-watching for those who are eager to be told the same boring crap over and over again if only their regularly dish is spiced with some extra gory details. The idea of "Hostel" is as simple as its protagonists: Somewhere outside of the United States of America there is a very strange area. It's called Europe. Most of the time it's like a mixture of Las Vegas and Disney World but if you stretch it too hard there are dangers waiting there for you beyond your lamest imagination.
The two heroes of "Hostel" are backpackers who want to get laid. They want to have sex with European women. So they travel to Slowenia, because someone in Amsterdam told them that they will find those women there. So they travel there. (You wonder why it's taking me so long to tell this? Hey i'm talking about 60 % of the story!) On their way to Slowenia they discover that some natives eat with their hands. Creepy isn't it? After that (and after the audience is watching a real bad "Porkys"-Rip Off for about an eternity) they finally reach the destination of their dreams. A "hostel" that is managed like a swinger club. They are seduced by beautiful Slovenian women, dressed like prostitutes. These women are not only vile, they are evil! They lure our innocent heroes to a place where rich people can live out their sadistic fantasies by torturing people for a fee. ( I bet if such a place would really exist, the people who'd go there would have A LOT more fantasies than Elli Roth, the "director/writer" of that "movie"). I think i'm not "spoiling" anyones viewing pleasure by telling that our heroes will find themselves captured in this torture theme-park, ready to be, well, tortured.
When you watch this movie in a cinema, like i did, you sense a change in the audience at this point. Finally after one hour of lame sex jokes and stupid dialog the movie seems to be going somewhere. Behind me i could hear some heavy breathing. So i was getting a little curious myself because i really like violent, disturbing movies. Well, it takes at least a little fantasy and visual imagination to make a torture scene in a cheap movie work. Roth likes to brag about "pleasing" even "hardcore horror-fans" or "breaking boundaries" with his fairy tale and he's not ashamed to name masters like Chan-wook Park as a reference but believe me: "Hostel" does not deliver! It's not even worth a laugh. After some really boring torture scenes, there are some badly staged escape-scenes and some totally illogical revenge-scenes thrown in for good measure.
So a movie that, in the hands of a more talented young director (f.e. Alexandre Aja) , could have been at least cheap fun turns out to be just...cheap. And stupid. And just for your information, college boys: the official language in Slowenia, the Czech Republik and the Netherlands isn't German. If it would be, the Germans would have won world war II. And that is (in opposite of "Hostel") a real terrifying idea.
Watch the much more terrifying "Wolf Creek" or the brilliant "The Descent" instead of wasting precious time with juvenile babble.