I couldn't wait for them to die! (possible spoilers)

Rating: 5/10 (1 January 2007)

Two Americans, and an Icelander they meet en route, are on a tour of Europe. They're simultaneously taking the best drugs, looking for the hottest women to shag and generally acting like complete jerks all the while. In Amsterdam a friend recommends they head to Slovakia to check out all the smouldering single chicks there left behind by the war but as soon as they arrive on the train they get more than they bargained for. What seems like Paradise with unisex saunas and nightly sex games with two local sluts quickly turns into a nightmare when DUM DUM DUM one of their number goes missing. The only clue to his whereabouts is a mysterious phone message and picture from an Asian girl guest. In trying to track down their buddy, our two remaining heroes get themselves embroiled in a bizarre slaughter house caper. But the killing is not of animals but of humans, and bloodthirsty rich folk pay thousands to get their kicks out of DIY amputation and torture...
The narrative arc of this movie can be split roughly down the middle: Part 1: T&A Part 2: Gore. What an accomplishment! Something for everyone. As long as you're a teenage boy, of course. Everybody else will probably quickly tire of the various irritating flaws that are sprinkled throughout. Take our three main characters, for example. If their sexist, xenophobic, coke-snorting behaviour doesn't make you feel intense hatred for them after 15 minutes, than that tells me more about you than I care to know. I hope the director didn't expect us to root for these losers, because I for one couldn't wait for them to have their limbs severed and eyes gouged out. Fortunately my wishes were granted, for the most part...
The plot is simplistic to the point of Once Upon A Time, the acting is barely more than adequate, but there is something strangely fascinating about it all which makes you watch till the end. Maybe you've heard a lot about from your friends about how 'shocking' the violence is. Well sorry sunshine... there isn't anything so graphic here you haven't seen in the likes of Saw and The Hills Have Eyes. A few nasty bits maybe, but nothing to make cower behind your sofa. Just approach it for what it is: A mediocre slasher, with about 5 minutes of decent sex, 20 minutes of decent bloodletting and the rest aimless filler that could easily be fast forwarded through at 100x the speed on your handy DVD controller. Sounds tempting? Then go for it!! 5/10