Typical Hollywood Horror, Which Means It Sucks

Rating: 4/10 (24 November 2006)

It's been a while since I saw a Hollywood-like horror flick, because my previous experiences have been disappointing. I have since moved on to East Asian cinema almost exclusively. I decided to rent this one because I've heard a lot of positive comments about it. Unfortunately, it's typical Hollywood horror, which means it sucks.
The first part of this film goes a little something like this: Some college guys start smoking pot and talking about banging girls while swearing up a storm because, you know, that's so cool. Then there's this nightclub with scantily clad women everywhere. Then, there's some guy banging a girl in the bathroom. All of this occurs during the first 5 minutes. Then, one of the guys gets into a fight, cause that's so cool. Then they go and pay for sex, cause that's like, totally fresh. Then they go to an apartment with more pot-smoking, sex, and rap music, cause that's like, so phat. Then they go to this heavenly hostel, and almost get mugged by a gang of 5-year-olds (no kidding!). So basically, the first half hour is a completely pathetic attempt at character development and storytelling.
The next half hour is where the real meat of the film lies. Most of the torture occurs during this part of the film. The gore is explicit, yet brief. It doesn't drag on for very long, which is a good thing. It seemed as though the filmmakers wished to use the violence to propel the rest of the film, similar to High Tension (without the ridiculous plot twists). Unfortunately, the suspense is not nearly as pronounced or effective as High Tension. Not even close.
The final half hour is moderately suspenseful, but there are way too many Hollywood-like moments that completely kill the mood of the film! Here are a few of them:
(1) The lead character's torturer was a complete moron, allowing him to escape.
(2) There's a really stupid eyeball scene. You'll know when it happens.
(3) The lead character fortuitously sees the 3 antagonists who led him to the hostel. Better yet, they just so happen to walk directly in front of his car as he is attempting to escape the town. So he then proceeds to run them over with the car, even though 1 of these antagonists was introduced in an entirely different country at the beginning of the film. Quite an unrealistic coincidence.
(4) The lead character hires a gang of 5-year-olds to kill some of the bad guys who are attempting to catch him. How, exactly, does he pay this gang of toddlers? With bubblegum! This was completely stupid. (And yes, it actually happened in the film that way.)
(5) The lead character fortuitously sees the antagonist (who killed his friend) on a train, allowing him to get his revenge.
All of these events kill the basis for the entire film, which is, "This could happen to you." Sorry filmmakers, but Hostel's sense of realism goes out the window when you invoke idiotic murderers, fake eyeballs, ludicrous coincidences of vengeance, and deadly toddlers who kill for bubblegum! (Also note the blatant product placement for Pulp Fiction in the hostel. I know the cover of the DVD says "Quentin Tarantino presents", but for goodness sake, do you really have to insert a clip from one of his products into the actual movie?)
In any case, this film presents everything that's wrong with Hollywood horror. I wanted to keep up on some of the more popular Hollywood fare, just in case the filmmakers actually got their act together. They haven't.