Real words can't describe this trash-fest

Rating: 1/10 (3 March 2006)

I just finished watching Hostel and... wow. The trailer was completely misleading, as I imagined this would be a good movie. First off, the beginning of this movie has you believing it will be a terrible Eurotrip rip-off. Fortunately, this illusion is quickly dispelled, and the movie turns to soft-core porn. Wait... what!?! Yes, at least the first half hour is soft-core porn. Eventually this gives way to merit-less shock cinema at its finest, with scene after scene of gore, torture, and mutilation. It's not really scary or disturbing, just gross. Also, someone's eye comes out at one point, and their optic nerve is cut to relieve them of the pain. A thick yellow liquid proceeds to pour from the severed nerve. This is silly. The only liquid this could possibly be is some sort of pus, and this victim had only recently been injured! This makes no sense! Speaking of sense, how could this bizarre pay-to-kill operation even exist? I think I can safely assume that the people abducted from this hostel HAD LIVES and were not all shiftless drifters with nobody that cared about them. All of these people can disappear with no consequences or investigations? Ridiculous. So far we've concluded that the movie has no merit and makes no sense. What could redeem it? Not the acting. We have: sex-hound foreign guy, apprehensive shy guy, party-loving student turned reluctant (and useless) hero, creepy guy 1, creepy guy 2, creepy guy 3... I suppose these people are accomplished actors, if accomplished means being able to pull a weak stereotype or seem shady. Worthless. All in all, I can't believe I just wasted... how long was it? It seemed like forever, and any time at all was too long. Don't waste any money on this. Heck, if you're some sort of movie pirate don't even bother downloading it. It's a total waste of space and time, no matter how you look at it. I only wish you could give negative rankings on IMDb so I could sink the rating to a more representative level.
Final Scoring: Cinematography: 2 Acting: 1 Angry Child Gang: 9 Shock Value: 7 Other Value: -229847723 FINAL SCORE: 0