Uwe Boll has a new rival!

Rating: 1/10 (7 January 2006)

Imagine. It's only January and already we've got two films jockeying for the Crappiest Film of 2006 Award. Uwe Boll's latest sick-up, "BloodRayne," and now this tedious, dull "horror" pic from fast rising mediocrity Eli Roth. The plot, if you can call it that, runs something like this: In a Europe inhabited primarily by nymphomaniacal supermodels, two strenuously annoying American teens are in the middle of some kind of sex 'n drugs tour. While wallowing in the fleshpots of Amsterdam they find out about an even more debauched town somewhere in the ruins of Yugoslavia or Croatia or where ever. Hopping a train with their much older Icelandic friend Oli, the two obviously immensely rich pissants whine and pout across half of Europe (these two make the trio from "The Blair Witch Project" seem like intrepid explorers) until you're ready to leap into the film and strangle the little twits yourself.
Eventually they arrive at the aforementioned village which is, predictably by now, inhabited by nymphomaniacal supermodels. More sex and drugs follow until Oli suddenly goes missing and...what? Don't know. I walked out after over an hour of this thick brick of ennui without having seen anything even remotely scary. Roth establishes nothing except 'Here's two annoying teens. Sometime in this film I'll get around to torturing them to death. Meanwhile, here's some more softcore porn.' On the strength of this pic, I see a big career for Roth directing late-night movies for Showtime.