Botched job. Some bright moments with the supporting cast, but 'Hitch' is not funny, not romantic, not believable, even as a fantasy

Rating: 4/10 (19 March 2005)

'Hitch' has some pieces of better movies in it. But those good pieces are hopelessly tangled and mangled in a mean-spirited failure. It seems that writer Kevin Bisch and director Andy Tennant have seen lots of good romantic comedies over the years. The polite thing would be to say that they envisioned an homage to the genre. A more blunt expression would be that they ripped off what they thought were the cute bits from other people's work. There are stretch marks all over this turkey. At the end of the day, they missed the point entirely. 'Hitch' is not at all funny, nor even pleasing, nor is it particularly romantic.
Will Smith is a good actor--- likable, strong presence, wholesome demeanor. That was obvious here, although he might have phoned in part of this performance. In a very weird way, the most successful bit of sex and romance with Will Smith came in a comedy bit involving not a chick but the dude, Kevin James' character.
The rest of this cast are largely unknown, Michael Rappaport's (Sp?) and Adam Arkin's cameos notwithstanding. The cast of yet-to-be stars appear to have reasonably strong chops, and some of them may well make it as successful and long-career actors. In fact, the surprising bits of the only grace and good vibes (the rare portions that approached romance) came from the two 'secondary' characters, Albert and Allegra, played by Kevin James and Amber Valletta. The sparks and romance between them were believable, and really nice to watch.
Will Smith's character was actually believable enough most of the time, but the female lead he was saddled to was a first class ****. I don't know what part of this character, named Sara, seemed funny or endearing to the writer or director. In real life, such a demonic witch would have gotten a prison sentence for aggravated assault, and would be avoided as a poison by all who had even heard of her. Whatever, in this movie's universe she was not in prison, and not shunned---- but what could Smith's character have possibly seen in her? She wasn't beautiful, merely sort of pretty, in a trashy kind of way. She wasn't nice, wasn't funny, wasn't witty, wasn't sexy. Oh well, that is a head-scratcher. She and the odious Vance character were actually the better match for each other.
So, lofty aspirations, fellas, but stick to the old adage, and only write what you know. So go out and have some real romance and some real love, laughs, life, etc., before you attempt to make another movie. I gave this a 4 out of 10.