Worthless Crouching Tiger Cash In

Rating: 1/10 (14 December 2004)

From the Hong Kong actors to the Tan Dun score this reeks of a Crouching Tiger cash in by director Zhang Yimou . Unfortunately, Hero is all style and painfully little substance. In fact, on the rare occasion when you get substance or ideas, they are usually so abhorrent you'd have rather they hadn't bothered.
Briefly, the story centres around a nameless one - the man with no name - (Jet Li) an assassin. He has killed three enemies of the Qin Emperor who, in reward, has granted him an audience. As the two men talk, three versions of the Hero's story are told, exploring themes such as loyalty, honour and revenge. Each dominated by a prevailing colour. This all sounds very interesting. Problem is, it isn't. It's 96 minutes of exquisitely pushed out excrement. But let's concentrate on the good points for a minute.
Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung are excellent. OK, may be that took less than a minute.
So what's wrong with this film. Well firstly there is no character development, just a few good looking Chinese folk waving swords in a mildly diverting manner (think the opening ceremony of the forthcoming Beijing Olympics). Because of this you can't really give a monkey's about any of the characters, least of all Jet, who scowls his way through the movie without ever giving you the impression that there's anything more meaningful on his mind than the sweet sound of sword on flesh.
Then there is the up-its-own-bottom-pseudo-artiness of it. There is an important point here. In Crouching Tiger, when Chow Yun-Fat and Zhang Ziyi dance on top of the bamboo forest, it is beautiful, not because the colours are rich, the imagery is splendid and movement is graceful. Li Mu Bai is a character you care for, showing a nobility of spirit we would like to aspire to. Ang Lee has already engaged you in his story, you want to believe he can do it. Cue Tony Leung's spot of calligraphy while Jet Li and Maggie Cheung ward off a cloud of arrows. Graceful? Yes. Colourful? Yes. Foetid brace of severed cojones? Unfortunately so.
I mean there are so many reasons to dislike this film I could go on all day. But, since the main function of this review is to spare you the effort of seeing this worthless piece of tripe, let's finish on the one idea this film pushes out in its hour-and-a-half passage through the lower colon of Chinese cinema. I'm going to give you a clue to the end of the film now, so if you're still planning to see it (poor sucker) look away now.
Apparently the emperor is just a misunderstood guy. I mean, he's raped, pillaged and slaughtered his way across Asia for one reason: to unite China, to end war (presumably because anyone who didn't agree with him is dead). To this the nameless one replies 'oh yeah, I guess you're really a nice guy then', and makes to leave. Some reviewers have said that Yimou doesn't comment on this explanation or decision. If this is so why does the director choose to end his film with a cut to the Great Wall of China, with a nauseatingly jingoistic caption underneath saying 'Our Land'? So that's all right then. Hitler? Misunderstood Euro-federalist. Stalin? Cuddly people-hugger. Rape of Nanking? Chinese just didn't understand what was good for them. See what I mean by 'rather they hadn't bothered'.
To compare this monstrosity to Crouching Tiger is like whizzing on a Picasso (to quote Mike Myers). Watch Springtime in a Small Town or Twilight Samurai. For goodness sake, watch anything but this. If W made a movie about early America, it would echo Hero. I can think of no greater criticism. 3/10 (if that).