Mind-numbingly derivative and predictable

Rating: 2/10 (16 July 2008)

This movie is a prime example of why I don't often see movies in the theater anymore. If I were at home I could have just turned it off, but if I've spent both time and money getting to the theater, I feel compelled to at least sit thru the movie in hopes that it'll get better. This one didn't.
The problem with sequels is that you've already introduced the characters in the original, so now you have to make them do something the audience cares about. Which generally means a good story. The plot here is OK, but its "Broken truce from the past/battle fought here on Earth tonight/fate of mankind" has been done ad nauseum, and better than this. Del Toro has done much better work than this, and I feel he's either out of his element in a big budget Hollywood movie, or that he has much less creative control in such situations.
This movie is a mishmash of hackneyed plot (she's pregnant), inane dialog "You must stay fock-you-sed" (see how funny words can sound when Germans pronounce them?), crummy sets (the Troll Market has nothing on Diagon Alley), and Abe Sapien doing his best "C3PO in a fish suit" impression.
The Forest Elemental is a particularly offensive segment. At its start, Prince Nuada opens the "Golden EggCage of Power" and pulls out the Pulsing Green Jelly Belly. Princess Nuala, who presumably knows what this thing is, does nothing to stop it, does not even yell "Get It!", she just comments that "It's heading for water" as the characters inexplicably watch it bounce along and let it roll into water after a fairly lackluster attempt (after it's too late) by Abe to stop it. Perhaps the Jelly Belly has a standing 8 second Stupefy Curse upon release...
No, the real reason the characters do nothing to stop the Jelly Belly is because if they did then the movie makers wouldn't get to show us just how much money they spent on CGI.
On a side note, this bothered me throughout the movie. The possessed Tooth Fairy and the "Sleeping Giant Rock ManDoor" were just "Hey Look at Me, I'm CGI!" scenes that could have been much shorter because they added nothing to the progression of the story. Do I really care about a killer Tooth Fairy in its death throes?
Anyway, back to the Elemental. This is probably the biggest budget scene, but also the most emotionally muddled. After dispatching this humongous tentacled creature which predictably destroys cars, buildings, people etc.., the Prince leaves Hellboy a dilemma: can you kill the last creature of its kind? Well, since that creature tends to wantonly destroy everything, it's not too hard a dilemma. After Hellboy (too) easily kills the creature, and it starts dying, we are made to feel sorry for it. Wait up, 45 seconds ago it was killing people left and right, and now I'm supposed to feel sorry for it as it dies? I mean, it's only CGI. It bored me while it was destroying and now it's boring me while it's dying! Move on to the next scene already!
The ending was almost as bad. After descending into the Lair of the Hidden Golden Army, which looked suspiciously like the derelict spacecraft in Alien, Hellboy has it out with Prince Nadua in "every 'Gladiator meets Martial Arts' fight you've ever seen" manner. It would've been better if HB had managed to dispatch the Prince in a shorter and more clever way, because then we wouldn't've had to've sit through that mind-numbing segment, but I suspect the movie makers had enough trouble stretching the plot to get the movie past an hour.
At the very end, the 4 main characters inexplicably quit their jobs, and I suspect one whole scene and perhaps a subplot was cut, because this mass exodus comes out of nowhere. To further highlight their resignation, the German Krauss character says to Jeffrey Tambor after his pleas for their return, "Suck my ectoplasmic schwanzstucker", which about sums up the literacy level of the script. Over 15 need not apply!
The only positive thing about this cryptic ending is that now that all the main characters have quit their jobs, there may be no Hellboy 3.