Pan's Labyrinth feat. Hellboy

Rating: 5/10 (11 July 2008)

While not the worst movie you'll spend your money to see, Hellboy 2 completely lacks the charm, grit, and vitality that made the original such a success.
Personally, my major gripe is with the poorly conceived script and ham-fisted direction of all but the action sequences and creature shots. Now, I know that this is not a study of deep human drama, but I DO ask any movie, no matter how ridiculous the premise, to at least attempt to establish an environment conducive to immersion. Unlike the first, this movie abandons any attempt at consistency and believable interactions between characters, a problem compounded by some bad voice-work (Doug Jones, Seth MacFarlane), strained performances (Jeffrey Tambor ... damn, he was great in the first, what happened here?), and, most importantly, a terrible, terrible script.
The movie starts out by shoving this glaring problem right into your face. The relationship between Liz and Hellboy is muddled and unconvincing. "Yes, yes, I know you're wandering the mythical and never-before-witnessed Troll Market, but you know, I have something really important to tell you about our relationship that is exceptionally private but is best shared over an open radio frequency" or "Hey, I know, let's have a gigantic fight that results in me blowing a reinforced vault door off it's hinges with sheer pyrokinetic force, but then play it off as me just needing my space." It's ridiculous, distracting, and cheapens what could have been a viable subplot.
Tied to this is the fact that Liz Sherman, although she can literally obliterate just about anything, spends much of the movie shooting with a sidearm on those rare occasions she chooses to engage in non-relationship babble and actually hurt an evil faerie monster/robot/whatever. When it suits the plot she is capable of focusing and controlling her powers to the necessary end, but for the most part she just stands around on fire, then pulls out a gun to deal with the bad guys. Part of what made her character so interesting in the first movie was the sheer destructive force she commands; in this, she is virtually neutered unless something very very important and seemingly indestructible (hint hint) needs to be somehow done away with. How convenient, and yet how disappointing.
The overall feeling of the movie is best summed up by the nausea-inducing tagline running on various banners and prefacing every trailer: "BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE VISIONARY DIRECTOR OF PAN'S LABYRINTH". The whole movie is an excuse for Del Toro to show you how wonderfully creative he is, to make you forget about the cheesy dialog, giant plot holes, and some less-than-credible performances. That's fine - it's what made Pan's Labyrinth successful and worthwhile. Unfortunately, I didn't pay to see Pan's Labyrinth 2 - I wanted to see the sequel to Hellboy.
More importantly, unlike Pan's Labyrinth, the movie keeps yanking you away from the visual splendor and makes you focus on other, more unsavory elements. The movie cannot stand alone as either a fantasy, a superhero/action movie, or a comedy, but rather tries to bridge all three genres. This schizophrenic, inconsistent approach ruins those things the film does well - action, one-liners, and mind- boggling special effects. One of many examples: watching Johann Krauss flow around and take control of objects and creatures is a really cool premise and leads to some great scenes; unfortunately, Seth McFarlane's voice work is far too over the top. As soon as you think to yourself "damn, this is pretty cool", the scene/fight ends and you get to hear a voice-over that sounds like the Germanophile orphan of a mating between Stewie from Family Guy and C3PO from Star Wars.
In short, every time you begin to feel immersed in this fantasy/occult setting, you're unnecessarily distracted by poor voice-work, bad writing, or yawning chasms in continuity (Spoiler: The Golden Army is indestructible, but the crown controlling it is really THAT easy to destroy??? Why not just melt the damn thing in the first 15 minutes and be done with it?). Watching the movie, I couldn't help but feel that Del Toro jumped the shark - that he was so enraptured with the size of his budget and the scope of the film that he completely forgot all the great things that made the original so enjoyable.
If you, like me, enjoy sci-fi, fantasy, superhero/action summer popcorn movies ... eh, it's OK. The visuals are impressive, the action is consistent, and the creatures are mostly interesting. Unfortunately, all of those elements are undermined by the complete lack of immersion, with the film being ridiculously over-the-top, plagued by horrific consistency and plot holes you could throw a tractor through. The sad thing is that I really wanted to like this movie, but even I - an apologist who can overlook the warts in just about any film of the genre - just couldn't hang in there with Hellboy 2.