Hella Boring

Rating: 5/10 (22 February 2007)

OK, if I'm going to root for any being coming from HELL, he better be damned special and spectacular. That, Hellboy was not. I've never read the comic Hellboy, so everything I was to learn or know about Hellboy was coming directly from the movie. Quickly, I realized that Hellboy had no particular talents besides super strength, a long tail, and a hand made of some hard substance. On the laundry list of superheros, Hellboy ranks down towards the bottom as far as his power, skills, and intelligence. The entire movie I was waiting for him to unleash some hidden and untapped power that really distinguished him. After an entire movie, all I found out is that he can bring people back to life if he whispers something intimidating in their ear... as it so happened when he whispered into the fire girl's ear.
The action was moderate and acceptable. The CGI and effects were also acceptable, but what wasn't acceptable were some of the scenes and some of the God awful lines.
Example #1:
Hellboy faces the car and says, "Red means stop!"
Note: That was the scene when John Myers falls down in the street, and as everyone knows, in Hollywood cars never stop because the driver can never see that someone is clearly in the middle of the road. A Jeep Cherokee is barreling towards John while only honking and not hitting the brakes or making the slightest attempt to avoid the obviously injured person. Hellboy then proceeds to punch the front of the SUV, thereby making it flip in the air up and over him and John. Not only was that scene wholly absurd, it was unnecessary. I guess it was a display of Hellboy's awesome strength. --end note.
Example #2
Fire girl: "Hit me."
John: "Why?"
Fire girl: "Just hit me"
John: *Smack*
Fire girl: "Why aren't you running?"
Note: WHAT? John's answer should have been: "if you had told me that you are a looney b**** that needs being slapped so that she can get angry and burn up everything, then I woulda ran. But thanks for telling me that now because I was thinking of slapping you earlier." Are you kidding me? "Why aren't you running?" that was the best line they could come up with. Lame.---end note.
Example #3
Hellboy: "I said, 'hey you on the other side. If you don't let her go, I'll have to come over there and get her'."
Note: That's when Hellboy revived fire girl. I guess he supposedly scared the crap out of the Angel of Death to make him release the girls soul. God forbid someone would use CPR or a defibrillator to bring her back to life. But then again, why use that when you have Hellboy to intimidate Death and/or God to let someone live. Hellboy should get an honorary medical license just to revive dying patients.--end note.
This movie had just enough action to keep me interested and make me ignore the absurd plot and even more absurd dialogue. In the end, I didn't like Hellboy, he is just a brash, cocky, devil-child. But, I had to thank him for saving mankind from the devil. I pray they don't make a sequel to this as they so often do with big budget comic hero films. They should chalk this one up as a failed experiment, cut their losses, and focus on the successes such as Spiderman and X-Men.