"Passion-less"

Rating: 8/10 (5 April 2004)

Why is it lately the best films about who we are as men and women come from stories full of aliens, freaks and mutants?
`Hellboy', which has one of the weakest premises out of the Marvel Comic factory, is about a Devil child accidentally let loose to our world through a Nazi experiment gone awry. The United States raises him to take care of other evil going on in the world that we, of course, never hear about.
Hollywood is big on that: `Ghostbusters', `The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen', `Men in Black', `Harry Potter', `Stargate', `The X-Files', and `Stuart Little' come to mind. (I think talking mice can be verrrrry creepy.)
Nonetheless, `Hellboy', played by Ron Perlman, is the quintessential tough guy with a sensitive streak. This is not a new role for Perlman. Ever since he played the Beast in `Beauty and the Beast' in the late 1980's, (remember way back to the 1900's?), Perlman has shown that ugliness is only skin deep.
`Hellboy' is a wise cracking cigar smoking cross between George Peppard, Ted Danson and Jack Nicholson. He's Sgt. York with a John Wayne swagger. He's short on words and big on action and is more cocky than Han Solo and Ferris Bueller.
From the get go, the film has a Spielberg `Raiders of the Lost Ark' feel to it in both story and well blocked direction by `Blade II' and `Mimic' director Guillermo del Toro. (I wonder if William the Bull knows Benny (Benecio) the Bull.) The action never lets up with rare moments to let you grab your inhaler and when it does let up it's for some sappy scene that isn't even important plot points - except to show `Hellboy's' all too human inner calling.
The film is unrelenting, as was `Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom', and it shows that plot driven films has its choice of real stunt men for tools or computer graphics.
Those wacky, fun loving Nazi's are still hanging around waiting to take over the world! You know, when Hollywood tries to have something or someone take over the world it's so serious but when `Pinky and the Brain' do it it's funny though their diabolical plans are no less ponderous. OK, then - Nazis! Evil overactin' Nazis yet! Now that's diabolical! They come back to release some watch-a-ma-call-it really large and slimy thingy and `Hellboy' is called in to kill it. I mean, it's always `Kill it! Kill it! It's gotta' be killed! Make faces at it if you must, but kill it!!!' No one ever wants to capture anything. No, wait, there's always Daryl Hannah in `Splash.' They did want to capture her, but then again, New Yorkers aren't afraid of much.
The trouble with killing this 'moving-so-fast-creature-you-can't-get-a-good-look-at-it', is that for every one that dies, two of them are born! Sort of like mosquitoes and IRS forms! AIEEEE! Surely, there's more to this, I hear you ask yourself with soulful introspection. Unlike `The Hulk', undoubtedly one of the worst films ever to have been made and unfortunately distributed, the answer is yes - but it takes awhile to get there.
The film is 2 hours and 5 minutes long and you start to get antsy even in those plush `loveseat' style seats. (Personally, I think the whole purpose of those seats is to let someone know how you feel about them by either raising or lowering the armrest between you.) The film is well paced with two fairly weak subplots filled in with appropriately enough, fairly weak performances. Rupert Evans, who has been in about six projects, plays the wimpiest CIA Agent you'll ever run across, though he has an abundance of courage. `Hellboy's' girlfriend, who's got a gift with engulfing buildings in flames, (and that's OK if you know how to control it), is played by Selma Blair. (How come she can't control igniting things but she can see to it that her clothes don't even get scorched?) And John Hurt, of all people, likens himself to `Hellboy's' pop since he's the one who raised the little Devil. Hurt's performance is the biggest waste as he's hardly recognizable and could have been played by an unknown because you actually think the guy is an unknown. But the most interesting bit of second player acting, is the half-man/half-fish played by Doug Jones, but voiced by David Hyde Pierce from `Frasier.' And yes, the fish creature is better looking than Lillith.
Meanwhile, in a land chock full of Nazis, our villains await `Hellboy' and his combustible girlfriend to usher in Satan and his minions - which is pretty ironic since `The Passion' was playing down the hall.
Movie composer Robert Beltrami, veteran of 43 films, did a sensational job as did the hundreds of others who worked on the project. It's as if most of them have worked together before. Wait! They have! Namely the aforementioned `Blade II' and `Mimic.' Come to think of it, the five producers have worked on a plethora of films together and most of them were quite successful. Probably because there were no talking mice. Honestly, what makes this film tick is Perlman's performance.
By the way, the film was shot in Prague. I suppose the producers thought `Hellboy' and Prague was a Czech-mate.