god-awful

Rating: Null/10 (30 March 2004)

I really don't know why people liked this movie. In all fairness, a friend of mine also went, and he usually has good taste and oddly enough he liked it better than the new Punisher movie, which I enjoyed in spite of its cartoonish stupidity. But the two people I went with agreed: it was terrible. Here's my pretentious review.
Director Guillermo del Toro's last outing was `Blade 2,' an adrenaline-packed, over-the-top orgy of violence, action and humor that stayed true to its comic-book origins without alienating audiences unfamiliar with the source material.
His latest film, `Hellboy,' encompasses only one of these characteristics, namely, that it stays true to its comic-book roots. Every other aspect is nothing short of an unmitigated disaster. From the special effects to the dialogue to the pacing of the story, there is not a single redeeming factor found within. Clocking in at slightly more than two hours, the film is a painful example in what happens when comic-book films go terribly, terribly wrong.
In a movie so riddled with flaws, it's difficult to pinpoint the exact moment when things begin to go wrong, though it's reasonably safe to say that the introduction of Hellboy's character 10 minutes into the film is when it first becomes apparent that the ensuing two hours are going to be an excruciating experience.
Brought into our universe, dimension, whatever - it's never made clear exactly where Hellboy or the assortment of other monsters come from - by a group of occult Nazis (who, quite naturally, speak flawless English; many of them even lack a German accent) during World War II, Hellboy is but a young creature, half-human, half-demon and lured to the side of the allies with a few Baby Ruth bars. So poor is the CGI-rendered baby Hellboy that he looks even more cartoonish and out of place than does Jar-Jar Binks.

The film then flashes forward to the present day, where Hellboy is a strapping young half-demon in the employ of the secret government agency known as the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Design, and his `father,' that is, the scientist who lured him with candy bars, is the much-aged Professor Bruttenholm (John Hurt, `Dogville'). Bruttenholm is slowly dying, and in his desire to find a suitable replacement, recruits a young FBI agent by the name of John Meyers (Rupert Evans II) whom, in one of the film's many clichéd moments, is described as being `pure of heart.'

Meyers, of course, has only heard of the BPRD and of Hellboy through the supermarket tabloids, (which are utilized throughout as something of a running joke, though unlike in `Men in Black,' they are neither funny nor clever). Although ostensibly serving as the lead human character in the film, and in spite of the movie's painfully long running time, he is woefully underdeveloped and remains blandly unlikable throughout.

In spite of this, he becomes embroiled in a love triangle with Hellboy and the prodigal BPRD employee and fire starter Liz Sherman (an enchanting and underutilized Selma Blair). Oddly enough, this seemingly important sub-plot is never brought to a satisfying conclusion, and is used mainly as a way of showing the soft underbelly of the otherwise aloof Hellboy.

The film's muddled plot centers around a group of undead Nazis bent on, what else, world destruction. Of course, it's up to the BPRD to put an end to this nefarious scheme, with Hellboy as the brawn, the odd half man/half fish Abe Sapien (whose voice bears an uncanny resemblance to `Frasier's' David Hyde Pierce, but is played by the unknown Doug Jones) as the brains, Liz as the incredibly powerful backup brawn and Agent Meyers as the tagalong human.
Although the filmmakers attempted to inject a good deal of humor in the movie, the only two parts of `Hellboy' that generate any laughs are the terrible special effects and a pretentious, overly dramatic funeral scene; complete with an obligatory downpour and a plethora of black umbrellas.

Additionally, there are so many plot holes than one wonders whether those involved in the creation of this abomination were even paying attention during the filmmaking process. For example, Liz has a tremendously spectacular ability to incinerate anything and everything in her path, yet she uses her power only once; Hellboy is fireproof, and despite the noticeable wear and tear his outfits go through, they too seem to be able to endure the various explosions and fires he survives. Of course, these are minor quibbles when it comes to the giant gaps in the main story - such as where these monsters come from, why a group of three Nazis appear out of nowhere after more than 50 years in hiding just so they can turn the earth into a scorched wasteland, and most importantly, why the audience is supposed to care about any of the characters or their various dilemmas.

`Hellboy' is an inexcusably terrible film, guilty of nearly every sin the sci-fi/action genre can commit - it's boring, the story makes no sense, the characters are unlikable, the special effects are horrendous and the ending encompasses the very definition of anti-climatic. With a number of much better films already in theaters (`Dawn of the Dead,' `Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind') and a good deal of promising ones (`The Punisher,' `Kill Bill 2') on the horizon, there's no reason for even the most avid of filmgoers to waste their time and money on this travesty.