Why does Hellboy look like Ted Danson?

Rating: Null/10 (16 June 2004)

Looking for a fast-paced, comic book action movie consisting of the good guy beating up a wide variety of super cool bad guys? Weeeeeell, you better just keep on lookin'. "Hellboy" doesn't provide any of that. Oh, Hellboy does beat up a predator-looking creature called Sammael about 7 times, but surprisingly there is a severe lack of monsters in this movie. And you know a movie is in trouble when the main hero looks like a sunburned Ted Danson with table legs sticking out of his head.
Prior to seeing the movie, I assumed it would be pretty cheesy, but I at least thought it was going to be fast-paced and action-packed. Thought wrong. The movie's first hour is pretty slow. There are a couple of good action scenes, but after about an hour I was still waiting for it to kick things into high gear. I just knew that the second hour was gonna be non-stop action and monster fighting mayhem! Nope. Things just get even slower. At that point I started checking my watch frequently and was fighting really hard to stay awake.
The insertion of a love story into the proceedings didn't help matters either. I'll admit that it was funny when Hellboy got a little jealous of Liz and Agent Myers, but at the end of the movie when Hellboy and Liz are surrounded in blue fire and sharing a "Dawson's Creek" moment was just bad.
Ron Perlman as Hellboy is the highlight of the movie. He does a good job, and although the character is silly looking, he's still charming. He had some funny lines, but he also had some really cheesy ones that you'd expect to come from Van Damme's mouth.
If you're hoping "Hellboy" is a comic book adaptation in the same vein as X-Men, then you have truly misplaced your hope. What we have here is a comic book adaptation that somehow manages to move at a much slower pace than "Daredevil" and actually gives "Spawn" a run for its money in it's ability to not meet expectations. And folks, my expectations weren't that high in the first place.
THE GIST
If you like slow-paced comic book movies that lack any sort of depth, action, or character development, then "Hellboy" might be the movie for you. I'm sure the fanboys will find something to like in the movie, but those unfamiliar with the comic book (i.e. most everybody) should save their money for something else. If you insist on going, then take a pillow and I dare you to get the image of "Ted Danson as Hellboy" out of your head.
Rating: 2 (out of 5)