A Tale of the Arbitrary Struggle Between Hellboy and Rasputin!

Rating: 5/10 (19 April 2004)

First, I didn't get the same subliminal messages they're showing in all the other theaters, so I wasn't hypnotized into liking it like most other people were. So this is a review *without* those messages.
The conclusion first - this movie's in the same class as League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
The beginning of the movie was painful - a B-movie that wasn't quite bad enough to laugh at. But grossly overdone. You could feel the cost of your ticket being put into the special effects, which the director used because nothing else in the scene was working.
After the opening, an awkward introduction of all of the characters was made. The dialogue reeked of exposition. Which means it wasn't natural - it was all about explaining the backstory. (But not all of it. Only some parts of it!)
The real problem with this movie, ripped right off the comic book pages, was that it was all too arbitrary. The world was dull, and it seemed like the writer kept throwing things in - oooh, there's a three headed frog! Now it's snowing! Look - Hellboy needs glasses! And eats shampoo! (I'm making all of these up, but the movie was really THAT arbitrary.) You never, ever once started to care about anyone (the villains, the heroes, the danger), and it wasn't *fun*. Movies like this need to be fun, and Hellboy wasn't.
The director, del Toro, is VERY good at having goal-oriented, single-minded characters. Blade II (his movie) was schlock, but it was entertaining schlock. Hellboy was a literal adaptation of the comic book, and it needed a director who knows how to set the mood. del Toro has no idea how to set mood.
So, in short, Hellboy's in the same class as League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I brought my friends, and now they won't ever again trust me to recommend a movie. Don't make your friends hate you. Skip Hellboy.