So-so

Rating: Null/10 (16 November 2001)

Apparently this is loved by young people. Have you met them, the young? Think Stephen Dorff and then knock off a centimetre. Twas a book, now 'tis film, squire. The school game Spinach or whatever threatens to bring the film to life after a long wait and has a great other-wordly quality to it. It doesn't last. Just when, like the kids, you are settling into your surroundings you are suddenly confronted with the uncomfortable fact that boarding school is a little mundane and plodding.
It all starts to go a bit pear shaped when 'Da kids' discover a secret room with a large three headed dog in it. According to their rotund chum Hadrig, he was bought from an Irishman. Presumably this was changed from a Greek because the producers thought the adults wouldn't get the reference. What is surprising is that as soon as the kids open the door they are not immediately immersed in a mountain of 'naughty Fido's'. I think they call it a plot hole. Of course, it could be the world's biggest and most constipated dog. With three heads there must be a lot of food going in and a lot needing to go out. Perhaps this is why Fluffy (for it is he) just stands there and easily lets the threesome escape. Any movement in the back legs is severely curtailed by a huge weight in the nether regions. Perhaps in some future movie Hermoine can deliver a spell that will put the poor beast out of it's misery and I'd love to see the pooper scooper. They'll probably need a crane. Speaking of plot holes, I was also puzzled as to why the family of 'muggles' would give up home comforts for a dodgy gaff in Inverness or somewhere for a foster kid they dislike and presumably would be more than happy to see the back of for several terms. Anyway, the dog is more amenable than a troll who stomps through the school presumably in search of a room with Internet access.
The last half of the movie has problems cinematically, being rather static tableau that is, dare I say, a tad dull. Perhaps this sort of thing works better on the page. I suspect school rivalry is more appealing to kids than this darklord stuff, but I don't know. Overall, 'Harry Potter' seems dark and stilted like 'The Phantom Menace'. Films today lack the fun of say 'Bed knobs And Broomsticks' which is easily the superior film, in my rose tinted view. Also, staff putting kids in harms way to fight evil wizards seems distasteful. They should do the job themselves but teachers are over worked nowadays. Too much bureacracy. Too many papers to mark. Either way, school inspectors need to investigate this dodgy place immediately, Britain can ill afford another scandal.
Robbie Coltrane: "When I took the role in 'Harry Potter', my kids sat me down and told me I had better be careful to get my character right. They warned me that kids would write and let me know if I wasn't successful. Boy, talk about pressure." Well, you can rest easy Mr Coltrane. You're easily the best thing in it.