please don't feed the cash cow

Rating: 2/10 (27 January 2002)

There is a classic early 90's "Far Side" cartoon of 3 people standing in an otherwise empty room with a banner hanging overhead painted with the letters, 'DLDWWS,' which stands for "Didn't Like Dances With Wolves Society." Gary Larson really captured a phenomenon of what I'd call the 'societal embrace.' People look for things to identify with to make them feel like they're a part of mass culture. Enough people give this product their stamp of approval that it nearly becomes propaganda. No person can escape at least making a decision about that product. People are more likely to decide something's good if someone else tells them it's good, even though they would have felt indifferent otherwise. This cultural phenomenon has happened many times, including this year. In late 2001 and early 2002, there was no escape from Harry Potter. (pronounced 'Paw-TUH' because I've rarely heard it said otherwise. Hogwarts, Middle Earth, Ridley Scott, James Bond, Austin Powers, Shrek-talking like a stuffy brit is definitely cool again.)

With that, I hereby begin DLHPSSS (Didn't Like Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Society). The first half hour or so I found interesting. Then I noticed that the film continued to roll, but there was still no sign of an actual story. Poor cute little Harry had no objective. There was no jeopardy. Two hours in, finally, something. There's this magic stone created by the world's most powerful wizard (probably all that's preventing him from mass ridicule over being named Dumbledore), see and-oh never mind. By that time I had ceased to care. I can't remember ever caring less how a film was going to end (or wishing more that one simply would). The ending that did eventually come, frankly, sucked. Then they add to the agony by reminding us that there was the points contest between the houses. I was actually happy when the Slitherin house won. They even ruined that moment for me.

On the way out, my brother, whom I saw this with, made a good analogy. He said the film was like 'Pirates of the Caribbean' or some other Disneyland ride where you just travel through and watch various animatronic things jump out at you. There's no real story, it's just a bunch of neat things to look at. Same thing with "Harry Potter." This is the most offensive kind of film to me, one that passes itself off as cinema, but is really just assorted eye candy. The effects and sets and cute kid actors are designed to make you feel like you've been entertained when you've really just been gypped.

It's been a long time since "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" has been released, so long that I'd forgotten why I avoided seeing it in the first place. I sensed, knowing that director Chris Columbus had stayed nearly verbatim faithful to the book, that this was a cash cow just waiting to be fed. There was no risk involved for the film's creators, who knew its audience came built in. Now it's up for a Golden Laurel award, which is the Producer's Guild of America's year-end pat on the back for 'excellence in producing a motion picture,' which translates as 'best job of making lots of money on a motion picture.' (Why do movie producers need a guild? No one knows. No one wants to ask. But that's for another time.) The award should be replaced by something that looks more like the one they give the winners of the MTV Movie Awards: a gold-encrusted bucket of popcorn. "Harry Potter" producer David Heyman should certainly win for creating the 'movie project that moved the most popcorn at cineplexes worldwide.'
I never believed in the "Harry Potter" propaganda and I was right. But there I was, buying a ticket anyway. I sensed a hesitation from the vendor, actually, when I heard 'Harry Paw-TUH' come out of my mouth, like he was giving me one last chance to change my mind. ("Dude, are you sure you want to see THAT movie?") Curiosity got the best of me. My solace is that there are still a couple of people out there who haven't seen it who can still be saved. Maybe I should have seen it sooner.
Grade: D