Don't waste your time

Rating: 1/10 (22 June 2004)

Fans of the book (and I am an obsessed fan, I admit it) will be horrifically disappointed. The movie was not worth the money it took to make it. Actually, it wasn't even worth the overpriced movie ticket. A blistering failure from beginning to end. (Spoilers lie ahead) OK, a confession first: no one could ever possibly play Professor Lupin to my satisfaction. It's just simply not possible; I'm too emotionally invested in the character to accept any actor's interpretation, especially one who had never read the books. I knew before going into the theatre that I would hate the way they butchered my favorite character. But David Thewlis actually fell below my expectations. Not one thing about him was right, from that awful cheesy mustache to the watery blue eyes, to the cane he sauntered away withyes, I said a cane. Lupin would NEVER carry a cane. But just when I thought that they had ruined Lupin's physical appearance beyond all possibility, the actor had to open his mouth. Again, everything was wrong: the voice was wrong, the charm was gone, the sweet and patient honesty was nowhere to be found. They made this proud and unflinching noble character into a simpering pile of self-pity and fear. He couldn't even say Voldemort's name, nor make mention of his 'condition' by name. And please tell me why he spends his free time chatting with students in the Forbidden Forest? Meanwhile, I had hoped his appearance would improve after the transformation, but again I was sorely misguided. Considering the exorbitant amount of money they spent on those awful lake scenes and redressing (or should I say destroying) the set, they might have bothered to get an animal trainer. Instead, they created a CGI nightmare with no aesthetic relation to a wolf. But if I spend all my time discussing the way they ruined Lupin, I'll never get on to the rest of the horror. Everyone's favorite falsely accused murderer? Horrifying. Sirius would never have a menorah tattooed to his chest. And he certainly wouldn't spend his time lecturing Harry on the meaning of life when he had the chance to finally be free. After all, Harry would just tell him to stop kidding himself; Sirius has never exactly been the ideal role model. Oh, and why exactly would Padfoot *growl* at Harry? Then there's the cheesy Grim dog, which showed up everywhere without any actual meaning behind it. Or the Quidditch match that should never have been. I was angry about them cutting Quidditch; now I'm angry that they left it in. Michael Gambon was a horrible replacement. With all his acting experience, you'd think the director would bother telling him that Dumbledore has a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, and that he would never say anything straight. Nor would Hermione, the empowered and scholarly (albeit bossy) role model, obsess over her hair, or wear anything preppy, trendy, and teenybopper-esque. But if I get started about Hermione, I'll *never* finish. The plot holes in this disaster were so large that several Mack trucks could be driven through them. Why the director decided that mentioning the authors of the Marauder's Map was a minor detail, I shan't understand. But leaving out the fact that James was an Animagus was just criminal. I won't even get into the ignored Quidditch win. The omission of the Firebolt, until the very end of the movie, and without Pig or the Hogsmeade form, was just stupid. Basically nothing was explained. Beyond that, every one of my favorite scenes was dramatically ruined. The boggart scene was abysmal; the Shrieking Shack was apparently cutting into those wonderful scenes with Buckbeak flying over the lake, so it was rushed and stupid. Oh, and they somehow left the Invisibility cloak out of the entire scene. But once Harry and Hermione went back with the Time Turner, I got fighting mad. It was overt, cheesy, melodramatic, inaccurate, and just plain stupid. Not one character behaved appropriately. Ever, in the length of the film. Well, maybe I should mention the one or two redeeming qualities that kept me from actually asking for my money back. Emma Thompson was surprisingly good, with her airy mysticism and dragonfly-like glasses. Daniel Radcliffe was just hot. And yes, I'm saying this and feeling like a pedophile. The Aunt Marge scene was pretty funny, and the Knight Bus was within the bounds of artistic license. Other than that, I give this film an enthusiastic two thumbs way, way down.