For equivalent reading experience, skip every other chapter in the 'Goblet' book

Rating: 1/10 (1 August 2007)

At the time this film came out, I was convinced that it indicated that the longer the Harry Potter book, the worse the film. Now, with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix out, I am relieved that this isn't the case -- instead, I now fully comprehend how thoroughly bad this picture is.
It starts out good enough with a dark, scary and well directed scene where Voldemort feels immensely more menacing than he is at the end of the film. Then we cut to our beloved protagonist, squirming in his bed at the Dursl-- no, wait a minute, that's the Burrow! Damn, I think, Newell weaselled (no pun intended) me out of seeing my favourite nasty relatives. Oh, well, at least I'll get to enjoy the weirdness of the Weasley home for a whil-- no, strike that, apparently they're heading straight to the Quidditch World Cup.
I think you see The Goblet of Fire's main flaw. It lies not in the acting, as usual carried out by Britain's finest, nor, I don't think, in the screen writing, as Mr. Steve Kloves acquitted himself well enough in the three previous outings. No - it's the directing. It's as if first-timer Mike Newell weighed the seven-hundred page book in his hand and said to himself "oh, how will I ever fit all this into one film?". The film jumps, at a maddening, jerky pace that makes you want to cry out, "but I wanted to see that!" Case in point: Harry and the Weasleys barely have the time to find their seats at the Stadium, before the game's over and we're inside their tent again. Mind you, I wasn't exactly a fan of the Quidditch game in the book, but at least a glimpse of it -- a teensy little montage? A minute of Death Eater-induced panic later, and we're on the Hogwarts Express. Half a second of Cho Chang later, and we're at Hogwarts, seeing the Beauxbatons and Durmstrang schools arrive - apparently on the same day. What on earth they're doing there so early is anyone's guess, since the Triwizard Tournament still doesn't seem to start until Halloween, which would allow for nearly two months application time to the Goblet of Fire. And on it goes. The only really good scene (apart from Hermione, like all the women in the film, acting like a frail damsel in distress) in which the students have their first DADA lesson with Mad-Eye Moody passes by all to quickly, and then we're jumping and jerking about the plot again. Harry has a falling out with Ron, signified by Rupert Grint dramatically lowering his eyebrows down to his cheek bones. Big deal. Harry kicks the living crap out of a dragon. Wow. Harry and Ron make up. Happy to hear it.
And then, suddenly, Newell hits the brakes. The "Four Weddings and a Funeral" director sees in the Yule Ball semi-familiar ground, and he seems intent to squeeze all the juice there is out of it. Harry and Ron talk about girls, learn to dance and behave like unbelievable prats to both the Patil twins. Meanwhile, Hermione strikes up a relationship with Viktor Krum, Hagrid woos the plus-size Madame Maxine, and we are then treated to the musical stylings of a wizard rock band, telling us to "boogie down like a unicorn" (which the probably imperiused crowd subsequently does). It's all very cutesy, all very non-Potterish. Hermione and Ron are especially egregious in this part of the movie -- Harry just seems oddly vacant.
The movie trudges along, occasionally giving reason to hope, only to quickly dash it again with a mind-boggling jump. Finally, we reach the ending, where the maze is nowhere near as challenging as it was in the book, and where Voldemort's rebirth is strangely anticlimactic and unfulfilling. Cedric Diggory dies, impostor Moody is exposed, Ron and Hermione exchange some glib remarks that trivialise the whole ending, and that's the film.
Now, a lot of people like this film. Rotten Tomatoes ranks it higher than its successor, Order of the Phoenix. This, to me, is inexplicable. Sure, a lot of things have to be scrapped to fit any novel into a two-hour movie. But a good adaptation, such as Order of the Phoenix, does that without you noticing it. Instead, Goblet of Fire rather seems to be making a point out of making omissions glaringly obvious. Even non-Potterians would probably surmise that the book covered the Quidditch game even though the film didn't, because the cut is made so quickly that Newell seems to hope that viewers will just think they dozed off during the game. Actually, all it does is leave us with a nonsensical, disjointed mess that will make you long for the comparative greatness of Chris Columbus. At least he knows how to do an establishing shot.