Great for fans, but will it convert the nonbelievers?

Rating: 6/10 (23 November 2005)

"Come on Potter, what are your strengths?"
When Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, the eccentric new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, poses this question to young Harry, the young wizard's silence tells the viewer all he needs to know. "Neither acting nor an ability to display depth or emotion," would have been the honest answer, but Harry's an uncommunicative type. He's scared and more than a little vulnerable. Fans spanning the universe love this about J.K. Rowling's hero.
Given the fact that despite reaching the ripe old age of 14, Harry Potter's onslaught of puberty fails to help him resemble anything other than Rachel Dratch's lesbian sister, it makes sense not to portray Harry as a tough guy who instinctively knows how to take care of business. However, my movie tastes are tailored in such a way that I find it hard to root for the little dork. Give me a hero carved in the Han Solo and Clint Eastwood mold.
It may have been easier to accept Potter as a non-traditional hero had he not removed his shirt. Sure, a gaggle of teenage girls in the audience "ooh-ed," but the fact that Radcliffe's pasty white chest is sculpted with the musculature of a hummingbird only strengthened my opinion that he's not the type of "hero" I love to cheer.
Now don't get me wrong; I'm not claiming this is a bad movie. It accomplishes exactly what it sets out to accomplish. The Harry Potter series just doesn't do it for me. My friends tell me that if I read the books and watch all the movies in context then I might appreciate everything more, but I don't really buy into that line of thinking. I have neither the time nor the inclination to start reading the books, so I'm more than happy to step aside and let the fans enjoy these movies to the fullest.
I will admit that there are moments that I enjoyed. "Mad-Eye" Moody (whose eye is indeed mad and funny to boot) and his irreverent brand of tough love causes a healthy chuckle when he transfigures a bratty student into a ferret. And the scene where Harry must fight a Hungarian Horntail dragon in an arena carved into the rocky Scottish landscape is a visual treat.
However, none of these was enough to keep me from rolling my eyes as we watch Harry and his friends stumble awkwardly into puberty. If you've been dying to watch the ever-annoying and always dumb-founded Ron and Hermione acknowledge a change in their feelings for each other, and if your idea of "cute" is watching Harry Potter dance badly then you will enjoy this much more than I did. Just try not to be creeped out when Hermione's date to the Yule Ball is the 30-year-old Viktor Krum. What in the world?
Another scene I enjoyed was Voldemort's return to human form. The screen oozes atmosphere, but alas, it ends way too soon. It has been 13 years since Voldemort killed Potter's parents and he's been working very hard to regain his power. Couldn't he have had a few more minutes of screen time? However, if he knew he'd return in the form of Michael Jackson then he probably would've opted out. Look at his nose. You'll see what I mean.
So what are Potter's strengths? He knows how to please his target audience. He won't win many new converts, but this 4th installment in the series will make an insane amount of money, it will send the majority of its fanbase home smiling, and J.K. Rowling will continue to wipe sweat from her brow with $100 bills (or whatever the British equivalent is) while not losing a single wink of sleep because of Johnny Betts and his little jokes.