Kids' film is terrifying in its own way

Rating: 3/10 (15 April 2006)

"Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" is the sort of profound cinematic achievement that prompts the following, agonizing question:
Will this series NEVER end?
Devotees of the Harry Potter books seem to get a big kick out of these movies, but I am not sure how anybody else can. It is hard to tell one movie from another, as the series is just a prolonged - and extremely tiresome - display of special effects and three boring characters' attempts to look awed at various magical/fantasy events as if they are just encountering the world of magic for the very first time.
And that is in spite of the fact that after four years at Hogwarts School of Magic, where one can't even spend time in a bathroom without being pestered by supernatural phenomenon, they must have seen it all by now.
What doesn't help this series is that Harry Potter has to be the most trite fictional character to come along since the Hardy Boys.
The script leaves no room for a buildup of suspense and action as the plots of these movies are always jam-packed with the same stock elements:

a constant parade of uninspired magical effects, made even less interesting by their over-saturation,

characters you could care less about being introduced by the boat-load (literally),

Harry's tedious run-ins with student rival Malfoy,

magic contests and tournaments that in spite of always being life-threatening (if I was one of the kids' parents, it would be a good case for home- schooling) are nevertheless yawn -inducing

plot "twists" that have all the unpredictability and impact of a dripping faucet,

and the evil bad guy that just won't go down, a la Jason or Freddie Krueger (I can't remember the nemesis' name...it's something of a cross between "Walmart" and "tort reform").

And what a shock it is when Harry emerges victorious! Does anyone watching these movies ever feel like Harry is really in trouble? I mean really? It's like wondering if Austin Powers is going to escape Dr. Evil. (Actually, I take that back...the Austin Powers flicks have much more tension.)
New characters are always being introduced as the series progresses, forcing the series' accumulation of cast members into requisite cameo roles that keep getting shorter and shorter. Not that it matters. Even the three main children characters who get plenty of play time have personalities as exciting as damp dish rags and characterizations that are onion-paper thin.
One truly entertaining aspect of the film is the fact that the ages of the three main "children" actors is outpacing the ages of their characters as the series trudges on. As old-looking later teens they hardly look like the cute fourteen year-olds they are suppose to be. And Potter and Weasely, with their ever-lengthening scraggly hairstyles, are beginning to look more like hippies that would appear just as comfortable with a marijuana joint in their hands as a magic wand.
For kids only. I give this three stars only in deference to my children. Somehow, the film does manage to keep their attention, which is what terrifies me the most about these HP movies (Sorry, guys...love ya!)