Harry Potter & the Movie of Beautiful Scenery and Not Much Else (also knows as Harry Potter goes Camping!)

Rating: 1/10 (13 January 2011)

*complete spoilers*
The first scenes went something like this: Everyone drinks a nasty potion that makes them look like Harry and they get undressed on camera spouting anti-climatic, fast-paced jokes. Then in what *should* have been an exciting chase-scene, Hedwig plummets to her death. Harry is traumatized. Later he learns Mad-Eyes also died and, not giving him much thought, 'zips Ginny up' in and abrupt oh-so-passionate-scene with as much charisma and heart as a toaster.
Harry then meets a witch who tells him bad things about Dumbledore which he instantly believes even though he's known her for all of, what, ten seconds, and Harry falls into a depression. Kinsgley warns the wedding party (oops, I forget to mention. Ron's brother Bill is getting married. y'know, Bill? That one Weasley child no one ever mentioned or casted? Him.) So, anyways, Voldemort took over the ministry (how exactly we'll never know) and is coming to kill everyone harry cares about (like Ginny. he does care about her y'know. they had their first love scene which lasted five seconds and was witness by George, who had a toothbrush in his ear.)
So Harry, Hermione, and Ron run away because Hermione is a flipping genius who always saves their butts with advanced magic and bottomless purses.
Okay. The action stops here.
Now we are privileged to enjoy stunning landscapes and breathtaking landscapes of famous places all around the UK where the dynamic trio (make that duo: Ron leaves) set up camp. The audience is delighted to be separated from the rest of the plot and action-packed, intense moments happening in the outside world, and instead can focus their attention on the beauty of a certain tree that harry and Hermione are sitting under and discussing the evils of Dumbledore, the man who ruined everything.
Hermione finds a doodle in a book and Harry and Hermione determine it MUST be a hint in a Blue's-Clues like moment of epiphany. Ignoring their new sense of purpose (besides finding lovely lakes to vacation by) Harry risks it all to return to Godric's Hollw and is there (unwittingly) attacked by a snake...lady...thing. They escape (Hermione, cough, cough) and return to their picturesque campsite.
In the middle of the night Harry sees a patronus and, since of course NO ONE wants to kill him, deceive him, maul him, etc. He follows it like a complete nitwit. Luckily his hunch is correct and he arrives at a frozen lake, undresses, and takes a dip. A dark locket proceeds to choke him (why it couldn't choke him above-water, I haven't the faintest idea) but Harry is saved by Ron, who also manages to get his shirt off. With the sword of Godric, the two (still wet) decide to destroy the locket that so fiendishly attempted to strangle Harry (naughty object of darkness and evil).
And then...Ron bears witness to a porn scene between Harry and Hermione who are inexplicably making out naked. (It is a very emotional scene.) Ron, fighting past the ridiculous apparition, smashes the locket to a million pieces and Harry and Ron return to Hermione and Ron spews some nonsense about a bubble of light in his heart.
The three reunited, they reluctantly leave their gorgeous campgrounds to track down a madman in hopes of finding out the mysterious meaning of Dumbledore's Doodle. The madman is only too happy to oblige and tells them it is a very important symbol of a fairy tale, so now that they have this info their problems are over. Next the audience is treated to a Tim-Burton-like animated retelling of said fairy tale that TOTALLY goes with the movie (not). The madman then attempts to capture them but they escape (Hermione COUGH COUGH) but are captured by icky "men" who seem more interested in Hermione than in getting a reward for Harry Potter. The Icky "Men" take the trio to where Voldemort lives but Voldemort is away for the time being and will return momentarily, in the mean time won't you have a seat in this lovely damp prison cell while Bellatrix attempts to torture Hermione by biting her neck or whatever it is that she's doing?
Voldemort doesn't show up (it's a *very* long holiday he's taking and he can't be disturbed) but Dobby does. Dobby's voice has undergone reverse-puberty, but that doesn't matter because Dobby has come to save Harry Potter because Dobby can materialize in and out of places, even the dark Lord's secret hideout.
So Dobby rescues them (Luna and a Goblin in addition to the trio. Her dad was the madman I'm afraid. Yes, sad really how family units are organized.) Anyhow, Bellatrix stands there watching them escape and at the last moment throws a good-old-fashioned dagger into the air where they're disappearing and when they come out the other end Dobby says some lame last words in a girly voice and perishes, with Harry crying unconvincingly. Fade to black and Voldemort pops up (who's taken the failed capture of his worst enemy rather well, given the circumstances) and desecrates Dumbledore's tomb (and Dumbledore is amazingly fresh and un-decomposed) and takes Dumbledore's wand. He shoots a random red flare into the sky that serves no purpose whatsoever and the credits roll. Finally.
Part 2. How exciting!