A wizard movie with no magic.

Rating: 2/10 (21 November 2002)

This is a profoundly unsatisfying film. The story is inexplicably
weak. In movies of this ilk, usually there's a clash between Good
and Evil that culminates in a scene where you root for Good to
blow up Evil's deathstar.
Not so here. Instead, Harry's a weak wizard who keeps getting
rescued by others. The last, interminable, hour has Harry being
directed into a spider's nest by a supposed friend. All looks dark
until A MIRACULOUS FLYING CAR saves his ass. Okay, so now
we hate the supposed friend, and wait to see how the supposed
friend is in league with the bad guy Malfoy, right? Wrong. Instead,
the climactic scene is between Harry and a just-introduced giant
snake. All looks bleak for Harry until a MIRACULOUS FLYING
BIRD comes to save his ass and flies away. Harry now has the
strength to fight the snake. But as he kills the snake, he's injured.
He's gonna die. All looks over until THE MIRACULOUS FLYING
BIRD comes back a second time and saves his ass all over
again. You don't expect it can get much worse, until the last scene, in the
dining hall, when all the kids give a huge STANDING OVATION to
the supposed friend that sent Harry into the spider's nest. But wait
a second, supposed friend is a minor character and a betrayer to
boot. Why would everyone applaud him while beaming like idiots?
And why would sappy music come in? And why would the ovation
last ten freaking minutes? Your guess is as good as mine.

This is a piece of dung that needs someone to wave a magic
wand of story structure and logic over it. Forget the chamber of
secrets, this film has more in common with what normally goes in
chamberpots.