A truly grim fairy tale ...

Rating: 2/10 (25 January 2013)

Take a ridiculous premise – based loosely on a Grimm fairy tale – so-so special effects and deplorable acting and add non-existent direction, as well as a confusing time-line and substandard 3D effects, and then sprinkle in few unnecessary "F" bombs and what do you get? A profoundly pathetic and pointless effort entitled "Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters," a motion picture so bad in its design, development and execution that a Roget's Thesaurus is needed just to accurately describe how horrible and with as much variety as possible the experience of watching it was.
Written with a crayon and directed with a circus mallet by Tony Wirkola ("Dead Snow"), this film tries to be a "Red Riding Hood" meets "Snow White and the Huntsman" meets "The Brothers Grimm" meets the Evil Dead trilogy, but succeeds only in overlapping itself in a most embarrassing bog of amateurish inanity despite a most merciful running time of just 88 minutes (and you thought "The Hobbit" seemed long-winded).
Everyone has obviously read (or has been read) the story of how the wicked stepmother forced the meek father to take young Hansel and Gretel into the woods where they discovered a life-size gingerbread house and the evil witch that lived there. The crone then tried to eat the boy, but the kids outwit her and she ends up baked to a crisp in her own oven.
This film begins with pretty much the same tale, only we're now told (through a series of what looks like medieval newspaper clippings) that the siblings have grown up and have become bounty hunters, taking on – and totally destroying – witch after cackling witch. Now, years later, they show up at a town where 11 children have been suddenly taken away.
A diabetic (yep, all that candy, he has the "sugar disease") Hansel, played by Jeremy Renner ("The Bourne Legacy," "The Avengers") and a wise-cracking Gretel (Gemma Arterton, "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time"), are hired by the milquetoast mayor (Rainer Bock), but detested by Ausberg's sheriff (Peter Stormare, "The Last Stand" and the only character with any real sense), and manage to save an accused sorceress, Mina (Pihla Viitala, a series of Finnish films and TV series no one has heard of), and do a little detective work - very little.
They soon discover that there is a bad moon rising – actually a "blood moon" – that can make witches inflammable (although since they are dispatched here in other various ways, it's not much of a defense). This event evidently takes place once every few years or so and causes the witches to gather together in what looks like a low-rent Comic-Con.
In the course of their investigations, Hans and sis are also easily able to destroy the ugly supernatural entities with little or no effort, thanks to superior weapons and clever patter that will not exist for at least another 700 years.
Shotguns, automatic pistols, hand grenades, Gattling guns and a crossbow that fires hundreds of arrows per minute - and in all directions - seemingly came from nowhere while characters use words like "hillbilly," "weird," "awesome" and the aforementioned "F" bombs.
The dialogue was obviously stolen from another Middle Age dud from a few years back, "Your Highness," although I NEVER thought I would miss the subtle and nuanced acting abilities of Danny McBride. Compared to this script ("The only good witch is a dead witch"), that movie seems like Shakespeare.
And, if Hansel and Gretel are not bad enough, they are "ably" assisted by Ben (Thomas Mann, who appears as if he failed an audition to be the fifth member of the "Big Bang Theory" gang), as well as a giant troll who looks like a cross between Andre the Giant and Luis Guzman. They seem invincible (despite the inclusion of Thomas Mann). However, the group soon runs into a "super" witch, Muriel (Famke Janssen, "Taken 2"), and the tables are suddenly turned.
Is there really a point in my continuing to describe the plot of this pointless endeavor? Do we care that Hansel's hatred of witches borders on the sociopathic and makes him look like an Old World version of a red-necked Southern bigot during the Civil Rights era? Do we care that Gretel discovers a terrible secret about her own mother as well as herself? Do we care that Hansel isn't a very good swimmer? Do we care about ANY of this ludicrous nonsense? The answer is a resounding and unequivocal "no," my friends.
Had any of the basic elements of filmcraft (acting, direction, story) been even slightly evident here, I could dismiss this movie's faults as just a terribly mediocre January release and been done with it. There are so many glaringly awful things about this motion picture, however, that my obligation as a critic – and a human being - behooves me to warn the paying public to avoid this travesty at all costs.
Then, with an extra $3 to $5 being charged for viewing in 3D, the general public is being taken for a ride in this department, too, considering this technology adds nothing to the experience because mainly the movie is so dark, drab and depressing no one can tell what is going on, anyway.
This is especially proved by the concluding battle, which is a confusing, obscured mish-mosh of people and things being tossed about with little or no audience comprehension or even the slightest concern for anyone or anything by that point.
After a very successful film run, including a pair of Academy Award-nominated performances, it may have been time for Renner to suffer a slight career letdown - it's just a shame all of us had to witness it.