De-Witched and Bothered

Rating: 4/10 (1 February 2013)

This film is not recommended.
Once upon a time there was a film reviewer who hoped beyond hope that every new movie season would be filled with products that highlighted creativity and had some semblance of class. January would begin and he would hunt everywhere and every week for any film that brought with it a feeling of elation and worth rather than a nagging sensation of despair and dread. But, alas, he would have to wait until September or October before movie theaters would be showing award-worthy efforts. Sadly, there was no happily-ever-after until fall arrived.
Which brings us to the first official film of 2013, a small turd of a film stinking up theaters this month entitled Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.
There is no doubt that Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters would be wholeheartedly endorsed by Mr. LaPierre and his rowdy bunch at the NRA. Every villager has a right to bear arms, be they pitchforks, torches, or semiautomatic artillery in this formulaic movie. Most of the film's imagination seems to be aimed at the film's anachronistic state-of-the-art arsenal of weaponry with its super non-loading cross-bows and stylized guns a-blazing. These firearms would rival anything found in today's gun shows and make any proud gun-toter green with envy. It's shoot-em-up time! Let the blood spurt and the body count begin! God bless that Second Amendment!
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters wants moviegoers to believe that it is hip and clever in its revisionist spin of this classic children's tale. ( Okay, granted it's a nice touch with the missing children labels on the milk bottles! ) The look of the film is 13th century chic with its medieval themed village and appropriately dressed town-folk inappropriately mixing with today's gangsta vibe. After all, there are witches everywhere in this small generic Octoberfest of a town. Children have gone missing and the mayor has hired two bounty hunters by the name of Hansel and Gretel to clean-up this mess.
Hansel is played by leading man Jeremy Renner, who is slumming here and misusing his talents, and the questionably talented Gemma Arterton, who hasn't made a good film since she played Strawberry Fields in Quantum of Solace, and that seems like forever, is Gretel. The actors offer bland facsimiles of their strictly cardboard stock characters and do not remotely show any dimensions, but this leather clad brother and sister duo are dressed to kill in style. Renner plays him character with tough guy dim-wittedness and Arterton is a tough cookie with a potty mouth and more cahones that her sibling. Famke Janssen plays the evil witch Muriel and, at least, brings some real menace to her role.
With its mercilessly short running time of 88 minutes, director Tommy Wirkola keeps the story moving, but doesn't know how to establish characters or skillfully show off the well staged stunts. The camera remains too close to its actors and the kinetic editing and its onslaught of flash-cuts and CGI upstages all of the action. It's hard to watch all of the witch hunting when you're wondering which is hunting who.
Legend has it that there are good witches and bad witches, although the bad usually outnumber the good 666 to 1. Legend also has it that movies of this ilk outnumber the good in about the same ratio whenever the new movie season begins in January. Unfortunately, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters upholds this sorry tradition. GRADE: C
ANY COMMENTS: Please contact me at: jadepietro@rcn.com