Entirely unwieldy

Rating: 5/10 (11 June 2014)

HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS is an entirely unwieldy comic book-style movie that sees the fairy-tale characters reinvented as VAN HELSING-style ass-kickers who hunt down and kill witches in various gory ways. The film has the same bright, fantastic look as the likes of other recent fare such as RED RIDING HOOD and it proves to be an entirely superficial adventure, and also one that's completely unwieldy.
First of all, the story is all over the place. Our heroes are smart asses throughout, happy dishing out one liners but struggling when they're required to provide anything more than that. The sub-plot involving their back story is a non-starter, as is the whole 'witch conspiracy' thing. Attempts to tie the story in to real-life witch cases like the infamous Salem trials are negated by the whole steampunk technology vibe going on; realistic this ain't.
So, what does the film have to recommend it? A ton of CGI-heavy action, that's what, which is neither here nor there really. A lot of it is over choreographed and it's occasionally a chore to sit through, particularly in that overlong and repetitive final fight scene. I hated how characters seem to be randomly indestructible, like Jeremy Renner who's stabbed twice in the stomach at one point only never to mention it again! Gemma Arterton is advertised as a tough ass-kicking heroine but turns out to be a mere damsel in distress, requiring rescue over and over again. The less said about Famke Janssen's villain, the better. I don't know who gives the worst performance as a witch in 2013; it's either her or Emma Thompson in BEAUTIFUL CREATURES.
The one thing the film has going for it is the bloodshed; this is R-rated produce so we get to see various characters killed in various bloody ways. There seems to be an emphasis on people exploding which is always good fun, and the introduction of a giant troll character into the storyline is an intriguing one. Hints at an incestuous sub-plot between the siblings are interesting even though they eventually go nowhere, and the film ends up petering out completely at the end. HANSEL & GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS is a mess, yes, but one that's not totally without merit for those who love their B-movies.