A film that defies all criticism and the reviewing process

Rating: 4/10 (12 June 2013)

Does a film titled "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" even need a review to correspond with the finished product? Do the fundamentals and guidelines of film criticism/analysis even apply to such a film? This film defies the medium and all it stands for. It exists in that small little blackhole of cinema, where films that are close to "unreviewable" lie. Alongside films like this one are parody films, theatrical stand-up comedy releases, and some obscure others.
Is there even a reason to explain the plot of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters? I might as well. The film takes place in Augsburg, where the Mayor of the town hires the brother and sister duo Hansel and Gretel (Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton) to find and kill any witches they may find. Hansel, armed with his trusty shotgun and his syringes for his insulin shots, and Gretel, with her wits and bow-and-arrow, along with this hideous troll monster, they set out to find and eliminate the witches from the forests of the city.
One of the first things noticeable about this tepid reworking of the classic fairytale is how grim and dingy the entire event is. I think the problem lies in the fact that the material is taken in a serious manner, rather than being campier and more alive than it should be. The same direction was taken for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, a picture that was almost relentless in its bleakness and charmless ways.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, however, doesn't have two or three good scenes that buoy the entire project like the aforementioned film did. Instead, this is one depressing slog due to the material not being that interesting and the entire setup not being that creative. The set designs are probably the most impressive thing to look at here. They're a cross between Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov, with more emphasis on Gothic undertones. It's too bad that the sets aren't used as much but scenic backdrops, and Hansel and Gretel are left mainly with their wits and their artillery. There is little room for improvisation, even when you're being hunted by obscure beasts. There's also little room for personality, as the title characters are nothing more than sulky, faceless characters we root for because we are expected to. They offer nothing in the way of emotion or character; they might as well have cutouts around their face that say "Insert Face Here." This is certainly not my kind of film. I think predominately because I see something like this as an obligation on part of the crew rather than a serious movie. Jeremy Renner, who has been on a role with Hollywood films, seemingly needs to keep doing these kinds of films so every once in a while he can take a risk like he did with The Hurt Locker. A few years prior to this film, writer/director Tommy Wirkola made a film about Nazi-zombies called Dead Snow, which was more fun to explain than to actually watch. Regardless, I'd rather see a goofy little surprise like that film more often than one about classic fairytale characters acting like two archetypal action heroes.
I'm constantly told that I look at films too deeply and, instead of being cynical and expect a masterpiece every time I see a film, I should look at a film as a piece of entertainment. To much surprise, I actually do. What I find entertaining and worthy of my money and what I look for in a film is drastically different from what a lot of others will look for. Rather than guttural smugness from an action film, I'd appreciate character and excitement. Rather than haphazard plot-developments, I'd prefer explanations and detail. And rather than senseless camaraderie, Id' like clarity and vision.
That's about as far as I'll go in my analysis. Was the film good? Does it need to have a star rating? Who knows? I'm giving it two stars, as that's halfway between good and dreadful. You should already know if you're in the target audience to see this kind of a picture. However, there was not much of a justification for seeing the film in theaters, or paying its ludicrous surcharge for the plastic 3D glasses that dim the picture and make the high-quality camera used to shoot the film look like it has dirty plastic wrap over the lens.
Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, and Peter Stormare. Directed by: Tommy Wirkola.