Waste of an R rating

Rating: 3/10 (31 January 2013)

Whenever I manage to predict more than three lines of dialogue right before the characters say it on screen, it's a sign that the movie isn't going too well for me.
Still for the better part of the movie, what annoyed me most was how utterly weak and beat up- able the two protagonists were in contrast with their portrayals from the trailer. Gemma Arterton's Gretel has the uncanny yet wonderful covetable ability to take incredible amounts of hits, slaps, punches, elbows, and outright diver-hammer blows--mostly in her face--without sustaining any visible mark that lasted more than two scenes. For a tough, burly witch hunter guy who didn't take prisoners, Jeremy Renner's Hansel has a poorly explained and even more careless paid off medical condition that requires a completely unexplained yet miraculous cure- -the situation and stakes of which he outright explains the to a woman who was inexplicably two thousand times more attractive than her fellow town folks, who later, after Gretel proclaims his inability to swim, finds it incredibly appropriate to take off her clothes and lead him into a neck-high pond. Oh but he saved her life at the beginning of the story, so it all made sense.
Which leads to another complaint I wish to make. This is an R-rated movie that markets gore, monster make-up and good cleavage, but except for some exploding human bodies and witches being deconstructed through various ways and means, I found it hard to hook on to more than a couple of minutes' worth of adrenaline rushes. Said rushes, unfortunately, was all I came to see and was willing to spend time on. The witches were definitely not bewitching to look at, and we get a beautiful shot of aforementioned lady's back--best part of the entire movie hands down--but it just kinda ends there.
Looking beyond the identity crisis of the two protagonists which seems to sway unpredictably from hero to anti-hero to childhood abuse victims and then to sex symbols (where they belong), the very viewer-friendly plot that allows its audience to gain about 50 minutes' head start 5 minutes into the movie, and the wonderfully anachronistic gadgets they were able to collect along their journey to adulthood, you will find--well basically you will find the ending credits.