A fun, bloodthirsty, ballsy romp through the woods.

Rating: 6/10 (16 March 2013)

In 2005, Terry Gilliam suffered a rare blip in his mesmerising career when he served up The Brothers Grimm. Presumably, what he was aiming for was something along the lines of this loose adaptation-cum-extension of one of the brother's best-loved tales. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters picks up the abandoned siblings' story many years later, far more streetwise (um, forestwise?) and with an insatiable desire for witch obliteration; removal of the head is fun but nothing beats a good burning, apparently.
As silly as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and just as much fun, this is a bloodthirsty, ballsy romp through the woods that doesn't pretend to be anything other than disposable, claret-splattering entertainment. It's a fast, violent gore-fest that doesn't take itself remotely seriously but still delivers enough quality punches to be satisfying.
Make no mistake, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters has 'franchise' written all over it with Gemma Arterton challenging Kate Beckinsale for the 'vamp with guns' crown from but, whereas Selene pouts and kicks ass with an undercurrent of darkness and the hope we'll take her seriously in the Underworld chronicles, Gretel is just out to have fun and kill as many evil bitches along the way as possible. In a duel, my money would still be on Selene but the new, Gretel-shaped, killing machine in town might just take over at the box office and she's a lot more fun to watch.
Gore splattered after the messy demise of another hex victim, Gretel expels an exasperated thought to no one in particular: "The curse of hunger for crawling things! I f*****g hate that one!" It's a moment to relish in a delightfully messy film that refuses to shy away from the blood splatter and gore.
Thumbs up to writer/director Tommy Wirkola who deals with the awkward backstory (for those who somehow missed out on fairy tales in childhood) pre-titles and brings us up to date via newspaper clippings as the titles are splashed across the screen. This feels like a boyhood dream project of his that's finally come to fruition and is littered with subtle comedic moments as he melds the modern approach with period setting; milk bottles have 'missing child' posters hung around their necks and later Hansel (Jeremy Renner) laments his diabetes, the result of being force fed candy by their childhood witch. Get that: the moralistic side of slaughter! Although this should be a double act vehicle, Renner seems a little lost in the events. Certainly he has his moments in the sun but this feels like Arterton's film with Renner there to make her and arch villainess, Muriel (Famke Janssen) look good. Hansel's awkwardness with the is she/isn't she witch suspect, Mina (Pihla Vitala), is weak and the evolving relationship is stilted and superficial so as to be almost irrelevant.
Janssen clearly has a ball chewing scenery and generally being nasty in fancy dress, perhaps doing her damndest to shake off her dreary, constricting character of last year's Taken 2. She succeeds admirably with just the right amount of melodrama to make it amusing without being laughable.
The other supporting characters, Sheriff Berringer (Peter Stormare) chief amongst them, are simply there as cannon fodder and the inclusion of Hansel & Gretel's own groupie and a disillusioned troll are plonked in to fill some gaps with a view to filling out their characters in the inevitable sequel. It's not a problem but with a little more attention to the peripheral characters, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters might have been a fuller experience instead of just disposable entertainment.
As with Dredd last year, 2D screenings are in short supply and so I was forced to suffer another jarring, juddering display in the third dimension with gimmickry the order of the day instead of depth of field and a more exquisite canvas à la Hugo. It's a horrible experience, it detracts from the fun and it's painful to watch at times, but still the money-grabbing Hollywood execs foist it upon us. Bah! If you can find a 2D print of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, go for it. If you can't, wait for the DVD and watch it on a HUGE TV with a couple of beers and a friend who enjoys splatter and gore as much as you.
Don't take it seriously, watch it once, enjoy it, move on.
For more reviews from The Squiss, subscribe to my blog and like the Facebook page.