Sweet Like Chocolate...

Rating: 6/10 (19 February 2014)

Yep, it's ANOTHER old childhood favourite that Hollywood has updated for a 'modern audience'. Whoever said they were short of ideas?! Sooo... after Hansel and Gretel pushed that nasty old crone in the cauldron at the end of the fairytale, they became world renowned witch hunters. Sure, I can buy that. They develop a huge range of weaponry to assist them with this quest, including guns that fire multiple crossbow bolts at once and more swords than you'd find in an armoury. Er... a little outlandish, but still possible.
Then, we discover Hansel is a diabetic (from being forced to eat all that candy in the house as a kid), a disorder for which he's invented the first regular injection (about 500 years before it came on the market). Plus, the REAL reason their parents abandoned them in the forest was their mother was a witch herself (a WHITE witch that is, which means GOOD), and she knew her daughter had inherited the talent. It was to protect her, ya see. From all the bible bashers, and their evil magic using counterparts. Yeah. That's when I realised... they've perhaps revised the story a little too much...
It runs exactly as you'd expect... with ugly, green old ladies on broomsticks being torn asunder in a variety of grisly ways. We also meet an ogre, who may not be the bad guy he first appears , an obsessive fanboy of the central duo who nevertheless proves useful in their escapades, and a mysterious woman who they save from being executed by religious zealots. AANNDD don't forget the Big Bad, here portrayed by Famke Janssen as the nastiest witch of them all. You know she's tough, because it looks like she dies about six times... only for her to survive each one. More comebacks than Rocky, this one.
It does the job, has some humorous moments and never takes itself TOO seriously... which is essential to it's success. I mean, with so many anarchisms and over-the-top violence, any attempt to play this straight would probably have been doomed to failure. Flaws include some rather stiff acting, and the overuse of our old friend... deus ex machina. But if you're looking for a splodgy horror where the blood cascades rather than dribbles, and you don't mind your memories of mum reading to you forever corrupted by soulless men in suits, then give it a go. 6/10